Its not like you have cancer.....

[crystal_price]

I need to vent.....I was having a conversation with my husband yesterday about fibromyalgia and still trying to accept my diagnosis when he said its not like you have cancer. That sentence just keeps replaying in my head. Obviously it's not like accepting I have cancer but it's not like I have a hang nail either. I am really floored by how insensitive that sentence came off. That sounds like I should just get up put some icy hot on and go tackle the world. Maybe it's just me but it seems Luke he still doesn't get this disease. We didn't just start dating. We've been married for six years and I've been sick most of those years. On his behalf, I will say he is dealing with the death of his mother who passed on the 1st. I guess that's why I chose to vent here and not to him. Thanks for listening!

 

[mariposa]

Ugh... I'm sorry you had to hear that coming from someone you should be able to trust to be in your corner. Has he ever tried to sit down and research on the 'Net how devastating constant pain is? I agree that he "doesn't get it"... there's no way he could and still say something like that.

Just as a side note, my best friend on the planet is a radiation oncologist and while some do, many of his patients aren't dealing with these great levels of pain... so comparing these two very different illnesses was... well, I'll use your word... incredibly insensitive. I'd say probably because he *hasn't* educated himself about it. Sadly, to people who haven't a clue, it's like "sore muscles" and nothing more.

 

[fibrogal]

You know, what your husband said to you is how so many look at our illness. If they're not dealing with constant, everyday pain, plus all the other symptoms, they have absolutely no idea what it's like. I know it was very hurtful to you....it sure would be to me! But I have to keep reminding myself that others just don't get it, b/c they haven't experienced it.

People think having cancer is the worst thing there is to have to go through. I'm not downplaying it at all, but facing being in pain for years and years isn't very pleasant either. I think it was very thoughtful of you to bring it up here, rather than to him during his time of grief. Did she die from cancer? That would explain his comment.

My husband used to not give me very much support and understanding about my fibro, but through the years of witnessing how it's affecting me and what I'm able to do, he's become a lot more caring about it. I pray your husband's eyes will be opened.

 

[Friskykitty]

If your husband is grieving the recent loss of his Mother, then perhaps that explains his remarks. You wouldn't still be married all this time thru your years of prolonged illness if you didn't have a strong bond. Be kind to one another. He may have said those hurtful words because he's hurting-& you missed the clues because you were focused on your own problems.
I'd let it go and instead concern yourself with restoring harmony to your family and home life so there's no stress to compound the situation. Emotions will effect your pain- you surely don't want or need that! You should always strive to protect your delicate health, and not become too upset or angry. You stay healthier that way, and hopefully a bit more pain free. Wishing you wellness.

 

[dorann]

Your husband was very wrong here in saying that. He is right that you don't have cancer, but in many ways it is similar. You are sick and you are sick with an illness that is invisible (which cancer can be). You have a disease that will be with you for the rest of your life (which cancer can be).

You are in pain and cancer patients are in pain too. It sounds to me like he needs to find a family support group and start going to that because he is being very insensitive toward you.

 

[Trellum]

Dear OP, that's the way most people see fibro and other diseases. Fibro is not like cancer, but is really hard to live with a disease like this. As someone who had a close encounter with cancer at young age I can tell you I don't appreciate that kind of comments, a lot stupid doctors have told me similar things. It upsets me because they say it in a way it makes me think they are downplaying my pain and suffering. I suffer from several diseases, most of them are chronic... it's so depressing, my doctor told me after my diagnosis: stop crying, isn't like you lot your legs or arms!''. Seriously? Insensitive prick! It was a woman, btw.

 

[crystal_price]

I did eventually let him know what I thought but in a very non productive way. It was out of anger and feeling hurt. I know considering what he's personally going through with the loss of his mom (who had ocpd not cancer) was insensitive on my part. He didn't realize what he said and how I took it. He said that's not what he meant. He was meaning at least I'm not dying. Although it feels that way a lot. It still hurts as I keep replaying it in my head but at least he knows how it made me feel.

 

[mariposa]

He didn't realize what he said and how I took it. He said that's not what he meant. He was meaning at least I'm not dying. Although it feels that way a lot. It still hurts as I keep replaying it in my head but at least he knows how it made me feel.

I'm glad to hear that he was able to explain what he meant by the statement he made. I know that so many people feel this way... that "at least" it's not something that will kill you. It's hard to feel appreciative that it's not a fatal illness with all the pain, though... the two thoughts are on such different levels and feel like issues that are miles apart.

It's kind of like what I heard happened to someone who lost a son once... and someone said "well at least you still have the other kids." Maybe to them it was a sensitive thing to say, but most wouldn't hear it that way in the least.

 

[LivetoErr]

I'm lucky to have the man I have in my life right now. I've never met someone so understanding in my life. I can vent to him and he's always on my side.

My previous boyfriend though, was the exact opposite. It seemed like it was an inconvenience to him that I had an illness that he had to explain to his friends. When I lost a lot of weight because I lost my appetite his friends thought I was anorexic. Instead of standing up for me, he would tell me how embarrassing it was that his friends think that I'm anorexic. He would get upset with me when, after an hour or so of walking, I'd change into flip flops. He didn't get why I couldn't wear high heels, for hours, like everyone else. I never knew this until after the fact but, my mom said that she noticed him looking around, to make sure no one was looking, before he hugged me at the airport. I was embarrassing to him because I had this strange looking contraption on my hand. Sure, it wasn't the most attractive thing but it was stabilizing and strengthening my fingers. It was only a week prior, that I had undergone surgery to put my tendons put back where they belong (over my knuckles).

When I was young and newly diagnosed, my rheumatologist told me that I needed to suck it up and get on with life. Can you imagine a doctor saying this to a 12 year old? I could barely process the information at that age, let alone "get on with it". He might not have meant callous anything by it but after that, I asked to change doctors.

I am glad you were able to let him know how you feel, even though it didn't go exactly as you had hoped. Sometimes, men (and women) say things before they realize how insensitive it sounds. I think in his own way he was trying to say you can get through this and it's not a death sentence (even though at times we feel like it is). Try to keep talking to him about how you feel though as, it sounds like he's willing to, at least, try and make you feel better.

 

[kat744]

I think the news of your condition was a bit much for him especially since he was still dealing with the loss of his mother. It was wise of you not to vent to him but you did it here. Just give him time to digest the news then gently talk to him about your condition because its going to get worse with the pain sometimes. That is the time you need his support the most.

 

[Chrispy93]

funny to me because i would say i'd almost rather have cancer, at least there are ways to get rid of it and move on. fibro is not going anywhere. you have it for life. when i made that comment, people seemed to get that there was a real issue there.
if i could get a quarter every time i hurt and didn't voice it out loud...

 

[nascarmike]

funny to me because i would say i'd almost rather have cancer, at least there are ways to get rid of it and move on. fibro is not going anywhere. you have it for life. when i made that comment, people seemed to get that there was a real issue there.
if i could get a quarter every time i hurt and didn't voice it out loud...

Funny you should say that. I was talking to a guy with congenital heart problems and he said he would rather deal with that than have a lifetime of constant pain. Fibro the gift that keeps on giving even when you can't take it anymore.

 

[Rob93FL]

This reminds me of a quote that I've read before, and I think it's extremely relevant to your situation:

Saying someone can't be sad because someone else may have it worse is just like saying someone can't be happy because someone else may have it better.

 

[Cindy66]

As I was trying to tell my husband one day about the frustration of not knowing what was going on with me....Drs not knowing what was wrong....and the pain that would not allow me to sleep...He began to tell me how he felt the same way when he had back problems. This is what I told him--This is about me, not you. I do not need you to compare pain, fix me, or offer advice. I need you to listen to me, hug me gently and tell me things are going to be ok. I have to say he took it very well and has listened to me much better. I think lots of time we assume they should know this stuff about us, but they don't, and they will never know unless we tell them.

 

[Tigressa]

What a cold thing to say. I'm so sorry, that must have made you feel very lonely and misunderstood. I'm sure your husband regretted saying that though. Perhaps he was trying to cheer you up but it came out wrong. Sometimes it's better to give a hug than offer unsolicited advice.