True hell waking up in the morning

[vickythecat]

It's kinda funny isn't it, that most us human always wants what we can not have. I prefer use the terms envy more than jealousy .

When I still had my job and was still married with no fibro problem or other illnesses, I was working and moving fast in the world I can hardly catch a breath! I was so envy of those house wives life , while they were all envious of me at the same time. Not to mentions the weathy college students near by, I was indeed envy of their unending parents' supporting financial freedom while they were envy of my 'no permission financial freedom' . There's no end to this madnesses.

And now that I lost my job and completly homeless thanks to my fibro/cfs/non-24 problems that crippling me to the outside world unable to keep up , Now I've got my wish. How ironic is that?

wow, this was and is exactly the same for me. The whole working hard and being proud of it, you are quite healthy, you have a relationship, some friends, you are doing pretty good, yet the nagging envy of rich friends who did not have to worry about keeping their job, a broken fridge or a stolen bike (I've never had a car, but my bike was my car. I had 3 bikes stolen, man it hurt so much each time!)

Then life throws you one obstacle after another, you end up in the pysch ward. Still you are thankful (though we are more or less a zombie, don't they love to dose you up with endless meds in such places), but then you become homeless and chronically ill, in a dark dark place.

I am thankful that I have a sister and mother who took me in, and the many animals who give me reason to fight everyday.

 

[Tipnatee N]

I knew that I had everything before in life enough to made other envious of me, but that didn't stopped me from envious of others either. From fully top of the line capable person , to totally incapable and being shoved under the rocks. Life is unxpectedly cruel isn't it?

No wonder why lots of people went mad. Being forcefully imprisoning by our own body in both physically and mentally jailed . Can no longer meet the sociaty expectation or deem as worthless with no sympathy cause fibro is an invisible illnesses.

Or like to stabbing it with the kindness " you still have two good legs why not get up and use them?" Ah Yes my legs are healthy. It just kept betraying me when I try to move them at the normal pace to keep up with the world , but don't worry I still have to move them all the time reguarless of my unbarable pains so it won't sitff up and cause me more longer pains later. By the time I manage that I collapse out of exhaustion . Even wheel chair hurts , being in there for a day was more than enough of a life time for me. But I had to work, So I did , and then I got layout with a bunches of get well cards after being found out about my misfortuanate illnesses and disorders. Not that I could fight to keep the job I can no longer performs, anyway I'll lose in anyhow no other option. No way of getting disability either , lost medical insurance too broke to pay for full tests like my non-24 , not enough to hiring a lawyers.

After year of misfortunes, my luck was finally blessed me with a person that willing to go through hell with me. My profound guilts are stacking up higher than the empire state building when his life fortune has also lost along the way of trying his best to erase my everyday suffering. More homelessness, more help needed more lost and more griefs .

Looking back at it I should have known better that life is not all about works, but all of the moments that I had took much granted for so many years. The sun in the morning on my face, the traffics, the chaotic sounds of people walking around pushing each other to get through their destinations. The exhaustion from all day of works. The afternoon crash from the long meeting, the long waiting line just to buy what I need or for what my family needed. The wet coat from all the nasty rain just barely made it back home. The big exhaustion from accomplish it all and ready to do in once more tomorrow. ... tomorrow will be even more crazy I could hardly wait.. so much to do not enough time..

I miss that person. I miss the old workaholic me. I want to be a person again. But I can't cause the longer I dwelling on that thoughts the more worsen I get. I have to remaking me all over. It's not easy. I can't look back cause once I do I'll be in my darkness once more. But what can I do when my brain stuck in the endless foggy world. Just lost more spoons to all these words, but at least my mind can rest.

 

[Lubkos way]

You are right that,it is important to not look back at the life you had too often.It can set you back significantly if you constantly focus on what you lost,but there are several things that you must understand,that I thought you should keep in mind.


There are many things that this condition has given us that add to our character and strengths.


I find that for once,I have only met kind,compassionate and truly caring people on this site.A rather rare event online,but it seems to be a commonality among fibro sufferers.


Did it not get your attention and teach you what is important in life?Unfortunately,the biggest lessons in life always cost so much,don't they?


The way I look at it is,yes I lost a lot,but I have gained so much wisdom that have made me stronger and a better person.I am sure you all have too!


It is the old story,which is better?To look at a glass of water that is half full,or half empty.Why focus on the half that is gone?!


You can't change the past,and acceptance of ones' reality can help dramatically to move forward and heal in significant ways!

 

[vickythecat]

I miss that person. I miss the old workaholic me.

I miss that person, too. I graduated from high school and university and even finished my master's degree with honors. I had scholarships & part-time jobs, and have zero college debt (am so so so very thankful for that) At my last good job, where I had the best boss in the world who appreciated my hard work and knew how hard my days could be due to mental health issues, my walls were covered with awards, achievement & thank you certificates.

Then came a job where life became living hell, every single day...that was the start of the downfall....

It is not good to look back, but only if the nightmares would stop and allow me to live in the now.