My Husband is an *******!

[l3itch]

New to the forum. Thanks for all the amazing information. I want to cry knowing I'm not alone (okay I am actually tearing up - stupid emotions).

So, I've been 'dealing' with all of my 'issues' for most of my life. I've actually had issues since I was a small child. My mother did what she could, but the doctors were firm with her that I was a hypochondriac and making it all up for attention. I tried again in my teens, same result, again in my early 20's - same thing. I always left the doctors office with the same thing - "take Tylenol". So I just assumed I was a hypochondriac and never once spoke of my issues again, to anyone, ever.

Recently I mentioned a few of my odd symptoms to my husband, just feeling him out and he seemed supportive. I explained, without going into details about my actual issues, my unwillingness to talk about it based upon how many people have told me I'm a lair, and how bad that hurt. Again, he seemed to be supportive. He told me I needed to go to he doctor and be straight with her. I figured, now that I have some support finally, that's a great idea. I made the appointment for a 'physical'. During the appointment I mentioned a few of my most prevalent symptoms and she immediately started talking about Fibro. I'd never given it much though, so I just listened. She wanted to try a few things, then see me back, do a few more tests, and refer me on to the Rhum. Painless, right?

She told me to start taking some magnesium to see if that helped with my pain, so I got some and started taking it. It did some weird things to me and was really scary. I turned to my support - just to listen and he actually said, "You are a hypochondriac, geez. It's something different with you every day" - right in the middle of some pretty scary muscle spasms, heart weirdness, and panic. What an $@*!#.

After doing some pretty heavy internet reading and spending hours on this forum I'm starting to feel like I'm not making it up for the first time in my life, but now I'm troubled. Do I continue to go to the doctor with zero support system, or just go back to dealing with it the best I can? I refuse to take pain medication or anti-depressants, so what good will it really do to have a diagnosis?

Sorry for the very long vent. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm sick of being in pain and feeling like crap, I'm scared, I'm tired, and I'm all alone.

 

[katydid]

Yes you should continue with the plan the Dr has set in motion! Don't let him discourage you! Sometimes men don't want to admit something could be wrong with a loved oneshealth. If the dDr's can figure out what's wrong, have them explain it to him! Do not give up!

 

[Fibrowithoutdepression]

I feel you there lol. Its hard for people to understand because u cant see it! The only thing that has worked for me is tramadol! We need a cure because im so not a sick person and most of my friends and family dont even know I have it because I dont want a pity party! My husband is mostly supportive but also I feel like he thinks I can just push thru the bad days without taking some time to get it together! Plus men r dumb lol

 

[1sweed]

Many men can not handle their wife being ill and will make jokes or offer no support. Sometimes this is from fear and other times it is because they have no clue on how to help or lastly they do not care. I think your husband may have tried to be helpful and then made the mistake of calling you a hypochondriac, which was the worse thing he could do considering the fact your family has used that on you throughout your life.

I think you should tell your husband what a hurtful comment that was and tell him how very much you need his understanding and support. Give him a hug and tell him how much you love him and give him a chance to make it up to you. I know that may sound like a cop out, but you really do need to have him be more supportive and I hope that it will mend the fences between you.

Lastly, your doctor sounds like she is trying to help, so I would say hang in there and give her a chance. You might want to call the office and let her know about your reaction to taking the magnesium pills and make sure the strength your taking is right for you. Vitamins and minerals are a necessary thing for healthy bodies, but like any pill they need to be managed carefully so that the dose you take is not a over dose.

I truely hope things work out for you and your husband. I know that heartache of being labeled by family and friends, and doctors, and how hard it is to rise above the pain and move forward in life. Wishing you the best of luck going forward.

 

[LivetoErr]

I'm sorry no one, close to you, believes there is an issue with you. Not having someone, you love, support you is very hard. However, now you do have someone by your side, your doctor. Hopefully, with a diagnosis and treatment plan, your husband will become the support mechanism you need. Sometimes, they (men) need to see it in black and white.

Honestly, I can totally understand how someone who isn't in our shoes would think we're nothing but hypochondriacs. I mean, wouldn't you? Of course, because we can empathize with others, we don't think like that. That's why we have each other, right?

Anyways, follow up with your doctor, especially regarding the magnesium. Some people don't tolerate it well and you may need to try something else.

 

[l3itch]

Thank you all for your kind words. It helps. I did talk to my husband and explain why what he said hurt so bad and that I truly need him right now - the whole, don't support the disease, support me kind of thing. It didn't go as well as anticipated, and the discussion of divorce is most likely going to have to become a reality. He falls in the "really doesn't care" category. I really don't need that in my life. I'm better off alone.

I did follow up with my doctor, who does truly seem to care and understand. She understands so much that she left me with this tidbit of information, "Just so you know, when these next tests come back negative, which I bet they will, the only Rheumatologist in this area will refuse to see you. In fact, if you are diagnosed with Fibro he will refuse to treat you."

I guess I'm looking at some pretty hefty road trips to get any help. Just another hurdle in the race. If I make it to the end of this thing with any sanity I will truly be amazed.

Thank again for all of your help and support. It means more to me than you know.

 

[jessee]

I think the fact that you titled your track by name calling your husband and speaking of divorce because he doesn't understand tells me counseling for your emotional issues would be another avenue to help you cope. I also suffer from fibro and have little to no support. It can make you feel lonely and upset at times, but other people can't be your saviour. We are in charge of our own health, our own happiness and how we view life. We can either be angry, bitter and have self pitty or we can battle through and enjoy what we can. You made a commitment to your husband in your vows. You stated that fibro is a new subject in your marriage. So the first time he is not understanding, you want a divorce? Men don't think they way we do. They are typically not as compassionate or nurturning. This is difficult for a lot of people to understand, but more so for men. Plus, Husbands can get a bit nervous over the idea of a wife's illness. Fear would be one reason and dissappoinment of an obsticle is another. You are upset that he is being selfish and uncaring, but it sounds to me that you may need to rethink your heart and actions, because you are sounding quite the same. Even if he never totally gets it, isn't grounds for divorce. The next guy might not totally get it either. You do however have a support group online and may friends or caregivers that can support you. The best thing to focus on is positives in your life and how to manage your symptoms. Many times I just learn how to manage myself because doctors just throw pills at me. Most of them don't work and add other side effects. Eating healthy, supplements, light stretching/exercise, relaxation, massages, moist heat and hydration all helps. I am not trying to be harsh with you. Especially during your low time, but I just can't stand all the world view that divorce is the answer if we don't get our way. Divorce adds stress emotionally and financially. The breakdown of families and selfishness is what is cause of the majority of the ugliness and dysfunction today.

Thank you all for your kind words. It helps. I did talk to my husband and explain why what he said hurt so bad and that I truly need him right now - the whole, don't support the disease, support me kind of thing. It didn't go as well as anticipated, and the discussion of divorce is most likely going to have to become a reality. He falls in the "really doesn't care" category. I really don't need that in my life. I'm better off alone.

I did follow up with my doctor, who does truly seem to care and understand. She understands so much that she left me with this tidbit of information, "Just so you know, when these next tests come back negative, which I bet they will, the only Rheumatologist in this area will refuse to see you. In fact, if you are diagnosed with Fibro he will refuse to treat you."

I guess I'm looking at some pretty hefty road trips to get any help. Just another hurdle in the race. If I make it to the end of this thing with any sanity I will truly be amazed.

Thank again for all of your help and support. It means more to me than you know.

 

[l3itch]

I think the fact that you titled your track by name calling your husband and speaking of divorce because he doesn't understand tells me counseling for your emotional issues would be another avenue to help you cope. I also suffer from fibro and have little to no support. It can make you feel lonely and upset at times, but other people can't be your saviour. We are in charge of our own health, our own happiness and how we view life. We can either be angry, bitter and have self pitty or we can battle through and enjoy what we can. You made a commitment to your husband in your vows. You stated that fibro is a new subject in your marriage. So the first time he is not understanding, you want a divorce? Men don't think they way we do. They are typically not as compassionate or nurturning. This is difficult for a lot of people to understand, but more so for men. Plus, Husbands can get a bit nervous over the idea of a wife's illness. Fear would be one reason and dissappoinment of an obsticle is another. You are upset that he is being selfish and uncaring, but it sounds to me that you may need to rethink your heart and actions, because you are sounding quite the same. Even if he never totally gets it, isn't grounds for divorce. The next guy might not totally get it either. You do however have a support group online and may friends or caregivers that can support you. The best thing to focus on is positives in your life and how to manage your symptoms. Many times I just learn how to manage myself because doctors just throw pills at me. Most of them don't work and add other side effects. Eating healthy, supplements, light stretching/exercise, relaxation, massages, moist heat and hydration all helps. I am not trying to be harsh with you. Especially during your low time, but I just can't stand all the world view that divorce is the answer if we don't get our way. Divorce adds stress emotionally and financially. The breakdown of families and selfishness is what is cause of the majority of the ugliness and dysfunction today.

I appreciate your opinion, and I actually agree with you. What you don't know is that this was the last straw of many. We talked about divorce before I even told him about my symptoms. It's a long, complex story that I won't get into, but this is by far not the reason for our divorce. This was just the icing on the cake. Our problems go way deeper than this illness. I'm one of those people that push through without a word. Nobody would ever guess I didn't feel good or was in pain because that's how I've lived my entire life. Actually, until recently, I've refused to let myself believe there was anything wrong with me. I was 100% normal up until I talked to him. He was the one that made me go to the doctor. That's why I'm so upset. He pretended to care about me, which is the main problem of our marriage and because of that now I'm faced with dealing with reality while he walks away. This has happened with everything in our marriage. It's the "I want a puppy, I'll feed it, I promise" syndrome. I'm stuck with a list of responsibilities 10 pages long that I'm supposed to do around my full time job while he sits on the couch with no job, not even trying. Now I get to add all these doctor appointments to my list and he won't even come with me.

I'm a caretaker and a giver by nature. I've failed to take care of myself. It's just time.

 

[Trellum]

So sorry to hear your husband isn't the vest support system, but to be honest very few husbands are capable to deal with this kind of things - some are some aren't. You don't have to feel that bad about it tho, because we are here to listen to you whenever you need to vent or need some advice, so don't worry about it.

As for the doctor, I'd really recommend you to continue seeing one, because I think you should really fight to get the right diagnosis.

Best of luck!

 

[l3itch]

So sorry to hear your husband isn't the vest support system, but to be honest very few husbands are capable to deal with this kind of things - some are some aren't. You don't have to feel that bad about it tho, because we are here to listen to you whenever you need to vent or need some advice, so don't worry about it.

As for the doctor, I'd really recommend you to continue seeing one, because I think you should really fight to get the right diagnosis.

Best of luck!

Thank you so much. the support of this forum has been amazingly helpful. I actually found a rheumatologist a few hours away that is happy to see and treat me. I am waiting on some labs to come back, probably tomorrow, before I go in. it'll be interesting, that is for sure.

 

[sagar]

Hello,
All in whole you need someone’s assistance and that would be your husband if he not so you need anyone special who is spend time with you and listen what you are trying to explain about your life and sorrows...

 

[mariposa]

Do I continue to go to the doctor with zero support system, or just go back to dealing with it the best I can?

Absolutely you keep going to the doctor! It's rare to find a doctor who is so educated about Fibro that they want to try different things to help... so she sounds like a keeper.

The hubby... well personally I think that while a support system is nice, I generally find strength in knowing that I can take the bull by the horns on my own and provide for my own needs, including emotional if no one else cares to be that for me. (I have a great hubby, this is just a generalized statement.) I have this huge fear of becoming codependent (again!) and a determination to not let it happen (again!)

 

[l3itch]

Absolutely you keep going to the doctor! It's rare to find a doctor who is so educated about Fibro that they want to try different things to help... so she sounds like a keeper.

The hubby... well personally I think that while a support system is nice, I generally find strength in knowing that I can take the bull by the horns on my own and provide for my own needs, including emotional if no one else cares to be that for me. (I have a great hubby, this is just a generalized statement.) I have this huge fear of becoming codependent (again!) and a determination to not let it happen (again!)

I've decided to take the bull by the horns. I've never let my ailments slow me down before, so why should I now? I have told a few of my friends about what I'm going through and just saying it out loud has helped me accept it for what it is. I'm feeling a lot better about moving forward with these doctor appointments even without the support of my husband. There are actually other people out there who care.

I think this vent was a lot more about me not being able to accept that there was really something wrong with me, then really caring about how much support my husband gave me. We haven't had any communication or relationship in months. We don't even live together anymore LOL

So I have found an experienced and willing Reumatologist and plan on seeing her next week with all of my test results. I'm actually to the point where I'm looking forward to it. I'd really like to see if she can do something to help me live a little more of a normal life, even if it's a life by myself. :mrgreen:

Thank you everyone for your kind words, your understanding, and your support. This is going to be quite a journey for me, but I think I'm finally ready. 8)

 

[exploreandrespawn]

My doctor told me that with regards to issues like fibro and cfs, he had to actually save marriages. Mostly the husbands seemed to 'fall out of love' with their wives, the moment they got sick. This is not like your case, but the stories he told me about? many of the spouses were absolute Pr*cks, if you get my drift. The sad thing, was that these women learned that for these men, they were not loved. They were just a workhorse. Either to function as a mom and maid, or to work a couple jobs. As soon as the women could not work, then men wanted to divorce them. There was a total of 3 cases he told me about. Each man saw his wife as no longer useful, and set up divorce proceedings based on her 'faking' an illness. What I said was true, and it was painful to hear, as I was younger then, and believed in 'fairy tale' love. To hear such realities? It was valuable. I learned that the worst men were those that saw a woman only as having a 'use' in life. Not just a being to love and share with, but just something useful.

 

[check6]

Wow, that's pretty sad. As a spouse of someone who has fibro, I would also have to add that it is likely that some men do not want to put in the work of caring for their partner. We all know we will care for our partner at some point, but when that point comes years and years earlier than expected, I think some people can't deal with that.