Bad Day

[JamieMarc]

@SBee Slow, gentle, and willing! I love what you wrote there. Those are what are needed in order to help ourselves in the most effective way and enduring way possible.

 

[sunkacola]

I don't know if I'm allowed to name the app that I used so I won't, but anyone is welcome to message me about it.

You may name the app that you used. Just make sure that you don't post it in a form that is an actual click-able link to the app, but rather give the name of the app and where to find it. Thanks, @JamieMarc

 

[JamieMarc]

Thank you @sunkacola
For those interested, the app that I first subscribed to in order to start my journey into mindfulness is called Calm, and it can be downloaded from the Google Play store and I'm sure the Apple store as well. They also have a website. Just do a browser search for 'calm meditation app', something like that and you'll be sure to find it. I found it to be well worth the annual subscription price.

 

[SBee]

Thanks @JamieMarc for your encouragement. I know my body and mind pretty well. If I do too much drastic change all at once, my (hormonal ) anxiety can get the better of me and I feel overwhelmed .

Like many on here I am juggling a few health problems some I've had for years ,others recently diagnosed, So whilst part of me has to see to the practical needs of each condition to enable me to understand what symptom comes from where and how to adapt to their needs, I think a form of meditation may help me to remember that whilst I do have separate conditions, they all form part of me, body and mind.

I am not sure my usual method of being a bit analytical and taking tackling a condition to its fullest extent can work any more.

There's simply too much going on health wise. I am slowly wondering if meditation or similar can help me see myself as more of a 'complete ' person rather than someone made up of separate health conditions. I know my guided yoga can bring me a huge sense of peace in my mind and body.

Does any of that make sense? It's been a long day today.

I wish everyone well.

 

[Badger]

@JamieMarc thank you for sharing, I think that I've heard of that app. The one I subscribe to is called Waking Up (Sam Harris).

@SBee it does make sense, in meditation one observes / rests with the mind / body as it is, where our health conditions are part of a greater whole. They say resting with things as they are helps to lessen unnecessary suffering through how we think about our health issues.

It's sounds like you have experienced this through your guided yoga, becoming present and focusing on gentle movement. That is very encouraging and I hope that you get a chance to try some more.

 

[JayCS]

if meditation or similar can help me see myself as more of a 'complete ' person rather than someone made up of separate health conditions

Sitting down to meditate has always been very difficult for me, back pain and overactive mind.
But my mindfulness I spose is sometimes meditation in motion.

Meditation or no I'm not sure if I've ever seen myself as made up by my health conditions.
Or as a part of "me", altho they do belong to me. But I don't identify myself with them at all.
The real me is independent of them, looks at them like it looks at other people who I want to help.
Under all this stuff, I'm still fit and strong, and my body shows me that whenever it's able to.
And my mental energy may be slower and more confused, but it's not part of me either.

But I think mindfulness has made myself more complete, more centred, resting in myself, watchful for myself, also more consciously in tune with myself and outwards, despite everything that's hindering it. That helps me keep what I do for myself and for others in a better balance, without compromising either.

 

[SBee]

Thanks @Badger and @JamieMarc for sharing the apps you use. I shall investigate.

I like what you say Badger of " resting with things as they are ". that makes so much sense to me.I now have ( mostly ) accepted the fibromyalgia.
I don't yet fully understand it's total impact, or how to work with it just yet, seeing as each day\your differs....but I no longer waste as much precious energy in ' fighting it ' my energetic far better served in finding the best ways to live my life with this ( and other ) conditions. Am not unrealistic, I still naturally get frustrated and fed up, but I try to almost ' wave ' those thoughts out of my mind as although they may help me in the immediate they won't in the long term.

I find it fascinating how we as individuals see things. I am definitely seeing health issues as being part of what makes me who I am, whereas
@JayCS your own way of thinking sees your health problems as being totally separate to you as a person. So, never in denial but seen more as slightly ' distanced ' being?? (sorry, I can't quite get my words right on that!) And of course there is no right or wrong! so very personal. Someone far more qualified and experienced will maybe see these different ways of seeing things as some form of coping mechanism? Interesting stuff.

And yet I do still see myself as amazingly strong. I'm not being egotistical here - Like many I have had an unbelievably difficult time, so many health and family problems happening in a very short space of time. And despite everything that's been flung at me just when I think I am saturated with even more difficulties, yet more come along...... But I'm still standing. albeit in berry wobbly legs some times. Rattling a bit with some essential medication and selected supplements and making lifestyle changes.

I don't always like what has happened, it's not the way I ever saw my life changing ( and the impact of has on my much loved husband) but it's what I have got. Could be better, could be worse. I choose to work with it. Even after a bad day, I still try to accept those for what they are.

And I really appreciate all the input and support from members on this forum, to have understanding.

 

[JayCS]

I find it fascinating how we as individuals see things. I am definitely seeing health issues as being part of what makes me who I am, whereas @JayCS your own way of thinking sees your health problems as being totally separate to you as a person. So, never in denial but seen more as slightly ' distanced ' being?? (sorry, I can't quite get my words right on that!) And of course there is no right or wrong! so very personal. Someone far more qualified and experienced will maybe see these different ways of seeing things as some form of coping mechanism? Interesting stuff.

Oh, I'm very much struggling for words/thoughts too! So let's struggle together, that's more fun.

Yeah, maybe my symptoms/conditions are a consequence of my personality: hyperactiveness will not have caused fibro, but may have contributed to pushing thru too much and crashing fully.
Also my intolerances concur with my "sensitive" emotions, mind etc., but association isn't causation, and I'm actually pretty tough, considering all I've been thru (not because of it).

Most of my conditions aren't surprising, except CVD danger caught me from behind, they all belong to me, are part of me. And I've always had many unusual things, so that fits to my strange personality. So they aren't really separate, they are fully integrated.

But are they an important part of me? Do they make me who I am?
No, they don't influence what I'd do if I could and when I can. I'm completely "me" without a single one. They don't influence my emotions, my mentality, my attitude, my faith.

Not even the depressiveness in my youth, not even the social phobia after that, which I've both learnt to overcome for the main part. Bit shy, but also quite a few extraverted parts, may depend on my condition what I can use, but don't define me.
That may be the secret (reason): I found treatments, workarounds or at least adapted to all my life-long issues, so when I was 50 I was fitter than I'd ever been before, was doing 1-2h/d of sports. And even for all my conditions now I've found very successful ways to influence them. The biggest discrepancy is loving activity, but my severe exhaustibility being very hard to improve. But working on it, and in no way is it me, just I fully accept that it is there to stay with me, like many things, and that I need to adapt my activity to online, task-switching etc. to remain just as active as ever all day. And if that's not possible I switch to as active rest as possible and active mindfulness.
I think it's this attitude that has made me keep up a high quality of life, or rather has led me to find it properly for the first time, instead of just doing things, but desiring something deeper. That desire ... for that attitude is what belongs to me, seems to define me.

But it's also fully savouring the good times where cortisol can override symptoms for a while, where we feel normal. That keeps showing me if I can find better biochemical balance, the more I'd be fine. Not "me" either with or without tho.
I dunno: like my wife is one of the most important things in my life, "belongs" to me, much more than an accessory, influences me, but doesn't define me??

But in the imploring words my grandchild astounded me with the other day (maybe from a film? but who cares): "Granddad, I don't see you like that, I don't see you as old or fragile".
(The context was a bit intricate, but doesn't matter that much: I'd pretended hitting me in fun had hurt me. And may have been implying: don't muck around with that).
When we meet, first question has become: How are you? Meaning very specifically: How can we play? Can you lift me? Can you pretend to run around? Or shall we play make-believe things instead?
So does it like I do, take it as it comes, makes the best of it.

No denial?: And also no, never in denial, even when I pushed thru things, I always knew that I am a mentally and physically challenged person that needs to find his own way, as hardly anyone can help.

Slightly distanced?: I think so. In that respect I've been influenced by Buddhism and Christianity, radical acceptance and Serenity Prayer. When I did an online course of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy last year to make sure I wasn't missing something, I didn't learn anything I wasn't practicing already, but it helped me practice even more to be aware that my thoughts and emotions are not reality, they are just that, my subjective thoughts and emotions. And that's a form of distancing. I don't like full Buddhist distancing from everything tho, it's also dangerous for the old grey emptiness in me, I need vividness, even if means suffering.

Coping mechanism?: Well, "mechanism" seems to imply (like denial etc.) I'm not doing it consciously, rather inadvertently, unknowingly. But my practice of radical acceptance / serenity prayer incl. all the mindfulness and other attitudes that are necessary for it are very conscious coping techniques that I've taken up for decades, but have now come to the fore, and I can very much see how effective they are for me.
And being "slightly distanced" and not seeing my issues as a necessary important part of me has been useful for motivation and improvement of my symptoms, which is the opposite of what coping mechanisms do.

Is it me?: A pain psychologist once offered me the image of my condition be like an uncle on my back I need to carry around with me. Pretty unfortunate image, awful thought to me. But I spose a kind of distancing. Insted I see my symptoms as showing me the momentary limits of my body asking me to self-care better. Limits vary, esp. with age. My conditions have also often varied in a wack-a-mole way, but I always won by increasing my self-knowledge and self-care. By playing it patiently, like I play rummy.

 

[SBee]

I have been breaking down your very interesting reply into chunks @JayCS - my words and mind are having a bad week... Like many women our hormonal cycles play extra tricks on us- mine decides to make my pains intensify and adds the existing menopause fog in with the fibromyalgia fog into extremes.. I work hard to try to stay in track!

I do find my own attitude to be a bit introspective - and not in a bad way. My health and family life have taken a nose dive these last few years, which has impacted my physical and mental health very deeply. These have 100% changed me as a person. I accept that I am no way the ' me' I used to be, or thought I would continue to be. My symptoms and health conditions very much shape who I am, and despite the very obvious negatives, like constant pain, fatigue etc with that comes some strength, a resolve to be the best person I can. It mostly works, like anyone I get the days where I just don't think so can take anymore. But previous experiences make me know that Ican. Even on the really hard days. Just do as much as so feel able.

Yet I have become more aware of myself as a whole person who needs to learn ways to be the best I can, mentally and physically, to remember always to be kind to myself.

Like you said above, when the cortisol is being nice we have those times where we can do so much more activity it's almost like a gift. I need to learn when to reign it in before I take it too far and pay the consequences and I am learning not to ' grieve' for the ' old me ' shown when these Windows of extra energy remind me of what I would once do.
Instead I am learning to actually enjoy what I once would have seen as lesser activities, as these are now what my body\mind can take now. They may seem smaller but are no less important ( sorry this is one of those times my brain won't get the wording right!) I am in simple terms, just saying so am willing to enjoy the maximum my body allows!

The small stuff now becomes the big stuff.

Am getting muddled now and tired but I do want to re-read and comment again on your reply. I find it so interesting.

My best to you all

 

[sunkacola]

@SBee .............."the small stuff becomes the big stuff". This. One thing I think is really good to do is to take the highest and deepest pleasure in every tiny thing that we can. So, if my dog does something cute (which he does every day of course) I revel in that. If the sunrise is pretty, I love that. And so on.

This has been a very hard week for me. One of my beloved dogs has been sick, the other dog had two PTSD episodes (he came from a very difficult early life), and I have been utterly exhausted, worried about the dogs, and depressed. Add to that the weather has been rubbish - chilly and wet - which adds to physical pain. All in all, just one of those weeks to get through as best I can.

But the sunrise today was cerise and orange, my dogs are cute, and I am lucky to have a home to live in and food to eat.

I understand what you say about you not being who you thought you'd be. My deeply beloved partner died a number of years ago and I do not think it is possible for me to be a happy person since then. My life now sure isn't what I thought it would be. But I can find little gems of joy in the day, and that is probably more than a lot of people have, and certainly is better than nothing.

Small stuff----small accomplishments, small joys, small victories................they count. They are important. They can be celebrated.

 

[Auriel]

Hi @SBee there's a place not far from me where they do chair yoga, I've not been yet, I may go as I suffer from incredible anxiety sometimes, so bad I fear leaving the house, (it's remnants of past experiences) but I am considering it I think it might have a calming effect (and might be good for my neural pathways/limbic/amygdala)

 

[Auriel]

let's struggle together, that's more fun.

I loved that made me a bit teary (maybe I'm having a funny day )

 

[Auriel]

I've seen the calm app before @JamieMarc (I hope it's not one where they charge you every month for something?) ps I like Mr glasses emoji (close up it looks like he's wearing a brace!) I like Mr glasses brace emoji

 

[JayCS]

My symptoms and health conditions very much shape who I am

I don't think I've got it yet, so can't see whether I'm the same or different.
You're not saying (like I am) this stuff shapes 'what I do', or 'how I am'.
So what if you the symptoms were gone, or are gone, would you be or are you then different.... as a person? Like:

when the cortisol is being nice we have those times where we can do so much more activity it's almost like a gift

Is this then a different you?
Or still a you influenced by the symptoms that have been and will be? Totally?
Cos I then am exactly the same as 4 years ago. And I forget the past symptoms and don't look to future ones.

Actually whilst in the seemingly positive "cortisol flare" it does feel like a gift, but it is an extremely dangerous one for me, not worth the while. So I have to switch my head on, like you say.

Or is it cos I'm working hard at keeping fit as much as I can?
(I'm not yet out of the recent dentist flare, which floored me for a few weeks, but increasing LD N has given me energy back, so from half to one to 1.5 games of TT without too much trouble I went up to 4 and yesterday 2.5, and from losing all the time to winning all the time (altho I can hardly move, wore gloves, can't pick up the ball and can't do the counting any more, but do all this as soon as I can, which has got rare).

learning to actually enjoy what I once would have seen as lesser activities The small stuff now becomes the big stuff.

Small stuff-small accomplishments, small joys, small victories..they count. They are important. They can be celebrated

The big difference for me is that I now celebrate this small stuff, whilst I hardly celebrated the big stuff, it was engulfed by the stress and events before and after. And actually often even during any moment of happiness/celebration. So the small stuff is now bigger than the big stuff was.

I note all my Reasons to be Cheerful in my daily blog entry, have developed a template of categories to remind me of what might have cheered me that day.

deeply beloved partner died a number of years ago and I do not think it is possible for me to be a happy person since then

That I can sincerely relate to. I try to be emotionally as independent of my wife as possible, which helps in times of trouble. And I think perhaps one day I'd be able to let her go and stay happy. But by far not yet.

 

[Badger]

@Auriel although the Waking up app I use charges after the first month, if you email to say that it's too expensive they can give 12 months free. It's something they suggest themselves, I took up the offer a few years ago.