Advice needed and appreciated…

[Melissa47]

I’m here looking for wisdom and understanding. I’m in my 40’s. I have fibro. I also have severe/permanent nerve damage from chemotherapy (I’ve been NED almost 4 years). One of my very real struggles is not being able to keep a neat house. I was raised to believe it’s a woman’s job to keep a constantly clean house. In fact, my mother judges me even today. I live in a small condo with my hubs and special needs daughter. We have decluttered, which has helped, but I’m still struggling. If I don’t clean/pick up every day our place looks messy, I think because it’s small. Because I look healthy, some of my female family members think I’m just being lazy. I guess I would like to learn how to not be bothered by a slight mess? My husband tells me to let little things go. Just focus on the bathroom and kitchen. He has taken over laundry because we live on the 3rd floor of a building with no elevator and laundry is in the basement. I’m trying to make a daily schedule to follow. I also realize I need to be ok with my house not being perfect. Does anyone else struggle with this? I would love some advice. To add, our condo also needs a lot of upgrades, which adds to the overwhelm. How do you all do it? Thanks so much in advance.

 

[sunkacola]

Hello @Melissa47 , and welcome to the forum.
I hear you!
I was also raised that having a neat, tidy, and clean living space was imperative. I find that I have always maintained this in my life, wherever and with whomever I have lived, but my reason for doing it is primarily that I have had severe chronic depression all of my life. I have learned that if I don't keep my living space clean and tidy, it seriously increases my depression, so for me to keep a clean space is pretty much self-defense -- part of trying to take care of myself and mitigate my depression. Of course, I am still depressed, but it would be worse if my house were untidy or dirty.

That doesn't mean it's easy all the time.
For you, I think the most important thing is determining what is truly important to you and your family, and focusing on that rather than on what anyone else thinks. Really, you are the ones living there....so you are the only ones who matter.

I think you have two issues, here. One is that you are affected by people being rude and thoughtless and judgmental of you and calling you lazy or other unflattering things. The other is, how can you keep the house reasonably clean while you are so often in pain.

I will give you my opinion and advice. Perhaps none of it will be helpful to you, or you can't do any of it. If that's the case, it's my failure to help you and not your failure to be able to do what I suggest. Please keep this in mind. If anything I say helps you, great. But if not, please know that it's not your fault.

First one: What I would do in this circumstance is have a talk with each of the people who give you a hard time about it. I would say, basically, the following: Look, I am doing the best I can. You can believe that or not, but it's the truth whether or not you believe it. My husband is fine with how I do things....ask him if you don't believe me. This is our home, where we live. You don't live here. If you are not comfortable in my home, maybe we should get together elsewhere so you don't need to see it. But you cannot continue to come to my home and criticize me because that only hurts me, may damage our relationship, and does no good for anyone.

Second one:
What I do is small things daily. I rotate the small things I do so that everything gets done eventually. For instance, I don't let dishes pile up, because that in particular bothers me, so I tend to try my best to wash every dish as I use it. But when it comes to the floors, I don't do them daily. I want my floors always to be clean, but I don't always have the energy to vacuum AND mop, so I just try to vacuum at least twice a week. If I don't have the energy to vacuum, I at least sweep up in the most-used areas, and call it good for now. If I don't get the floors mopped for 2 weeks, at least they won't have grit on them.
I do just a little bit of picking up each day, and that keeps things acceptable.

One of the most important keys to having a tidy home is that everything, down to the last little thing, has to have a designated place to live. If it doesn't have a place where it belongs, how can it get put away? So, don't have more stuff than you have places for the things, and have a place where everything goes. Then, you can always just pick up this thing on your way through a room and put it away where it goes in the next room while you are going that way anyway. Very simple, and you don't have to designate a whole hour to tidying.

It has not been easy for me, but I have taught myself that acceptable is good enough. If I manage to really clean now and then, that's great. But if it's acceptable most of the time, that's better than a lot of people ever do. I used to go into many people's homes as a professional and you might not believe how many people live in an appalling mess. Rich people in million-dollar homes, families in middle class suburbs, professionals. Once you have seen years of that you tend not to be so bothered by a little dust in your own home.

One of the most important things we can do for ourselves, those of us who live with a disability like fibromyalgia, is to be kind to ourselves. Recognize what is truly important to YOU and to the others you live with. For instance, I don't care if my dog leaves a few nose-smudges on the windows, so I don't clean them all the time; I focus on the kinds of things that would actually bother me. Someone else might be bothered by my windows, but maybe wouldn't care if there were dirty dishes, so they would do things differently. Focus on the things that are important to you. And remember that it is truly, really, honestly, OK to let the other things go.

Hope this helps.

 

[JamieMarc]

Hi @Melissa47
So I was interested in your post because having a clean somewhat tidy space has always been important to me for mental health reasons. Just like @sunkacola said, it has a positive effect upon my mental health and it also, oddly enough, gives me satisfaction. There are some chores I definitely hate, so I just do those deep cleaning chores once or twice a year.

I do a little each day. There are certain things that I just do each day like keep the bathroom neat and keep the kitchen neat. Other items like vacuuming for example I do on a schedule, like once weekly or once every two weeks. Initially, if you do want to get this under control, it's going to be work but in the long run if you keep up with it daily it's not going to seem like a chore. Also, definitely get the family involved and give them chores. After all, it is their home too.

I'm less OCD about it than I used to be which is a good thing. I remember one time when my mother came over to my home I apologized for the mess, what to my mind was a mess, and she said it looks fine it looks lived in. That's when I first began to realize that not everything had to be perfect. After all, this is my living space and it's okay to have things I'm working on sitting out on the table or the dogs toys on the floor, for example.

I would say that if it's bothering you then it is definitely something that you need to work on. It does sound like it's affecting your happiness and your mental health, so maybe make some small changes or some big ones. As far as the repairs and whatnot, if you cannot afford them then you need to let that go unless it's an emergency or a health hazard. You could also enlist your husband, if he is Handy, to do some of the repairs. I have taught myself to do certain of my own repairs as opposed to hiring someone. There are no shortage of DIY videos on YouTube that can help you.

There was a time when I had cutter everywhere. But as I got older I decided to go more minimal yet still homey and comfortable. Decluttering is the first step it sounds like and I believe you mentioned you already started that. You can also find helpful tips about decluttering online.

You would not have taken the time to post this if it wasn't bothering you, so I think it's important for you to take steps to make a change. And also to let the people in your life know that, if it's not bothering you and it's not hazardous, it's really none of their business. Remember it's your home not theirs.

Something else that is helpful is the one minute rule. If you see something that takes just a minute to pick up or clean or whatever, stop everything and do it. You'll be surprised how much all of these little minutes can accomplish in one day.

I don't know if any of this helps but you're not alone. Many people struggle with this, some to the extent that they are Hoarders which is a mental illness. So don't beat yourself up and don't let other people's judgment bring you down. Do what you think needs to be done to be happy and to have a healthy State of mind. And remember again, delegate chores. You shouldn't have to do it all alone.

 

[JamieMarc]

@Melissa47 forgot to say that, as far as the bigger projects go, you will accomplish much more if you focus on one thing at a time. Don't overwhelm yourself with multiple big projects at once.

 

[sunkacola]

Good advice, @JamieMarc . Especially the "One Minute Rule", which I had not heard called that, b ut it is a very good idea.

I also combine things, like for instance, while I am brushing my teeth I can, with the other hand, do a quick spray and wipe to clean the bathroom mirror.

 

[SBee]

Along with the great advice above @Melissa47 is to remember something many of us fail to do - give yourself credit for all that you do achieve, no matter how small that may seem.
Those of us who are living with chronic illnesses are always good at self criticism, focusing on what we cant do. But honestly, try to start to appreciate what you do each day. Its very much a work in progress for me!

I often push myself to far and feel worse, for hours or even days. But am learning to remember to almost 'thank myself' for what I do manage to instead, when I work but know when to stop before that happens so much . Be kind to yourself.

 

[JamieMarc]

@SBee OMG, me too. Always pushing myself, sometimes too hard, but I DON'T thank myself and I really should! I really need to get into the habit of showing myself more appreciation -- the same appreciation I would show anyone else who did something for me. Thank you for reminding me of this.

 

[sunkacola]

@SBee OMG, me too. Always pushing myself, sometimes too hard, but I DON'T thank myself and I really should! I really need to get into the habit of showing myself more appreciation -- the same appreciation I would show anyone else who did something for me. Thank you for reminding me of this.

We always leave ourselves out, don't we?
And it's so important that we remember to give ourselves credit.
At first it's hard, or at least it was hard for me to learn this, to get into that habit.
Because we are not doing as much as we used to do. Or maybe not as well, either. But we didn't ask for this disability (and really, that's what it is), and we are all doing our best to function as highly as possible while dealing as best we can with all the symptoms fibro brings to us. We need to give ourselves credit even more than ever for what we do accomplish, even if it's a small thing. It counts!

Sometimes it helps me to make a list of projects that need to get done. There's a tremendous satisfaction one can feel if something gets crossed off that list.
Other times, I don't look at the list, because it only makes me feel bad for not getting everything done.
So I pay attention to how I am feeling on any given day, and always try to do what is likely to make me feel better about myself rather than worse.

 

[SBee]

@sunkacola I am renowned for my own list. Its a simple way for me to keep track of tasks, particularly if they are needed to be prioritised.
Anxiety and stress has made me lose my ability to multi task, even doing something as simple as perhaps preparing a meal and being asked if i want a coffee? I cant decide, its a Brain overload, at times it almost sets me into a panic. So I have to focus solely on each task. Its a small coping mechanism to keep anxiety at bay.
but I do get that same simple pleasure from ticking a job off the list. Yet unusually for me I dont beat myself up for not achieving all that is on them. I just add it onto the next day.

and if we fail to give ourselves recognition of how well we are doing, we are assured someone on here will do so for us - because its plain to see we need to work better on appreciating ourselves !

 

[JamieMarc]

I keep a daily to-do list myself. Have been doing so for years now...about the time fibrofog set in. LOL. I use Google Tasks everyday. BUT, if I have many BIG projects, I always make sure I only have one in progress because much more will get done if I focus on ONE big project at a time. I used to have many big projects but, like @sunkacola mentioned, that only made me feel bad seeing it pop up everyday and everyday having to push them out further. LOL. So I learned a better way to do it.

Honestly, if I didn't have my list there would be many important health-related things that I would absolutely forget to do, most of them involving my fibromyalgia. I have no problem moving the smaller, less important stuff to another day. I also keep a pantry list and a shopping list using Out of Milk on my phone and PC.

I've always been, like, a super-organized, OCD-type personality. In ways it has served me well and in others not so well. I have learned to take things off of my lists, either because they became habits or they were things I could see needed to be done without requiring a list item. LOL. I actually made it a goal a couple years ago to use less lists because it had become so unhealthy for me. I succeeded, and am still to this day removing or consolidating my list items as I am able.

You're right @sunkacola We are disabled. I had to take disability in 2010 for another condition, but now the primary reason I cannot work at "substantial gainful activity" is my chronic pain and fibro. There's just no way on earth I could ever do it. I'd be fired within the first week. LOL.

I'm going to start giving myself more credit than I do, and more self-love and appreciation for those big and even small things you spoke of, @sunkacola I deserve it! We all do.

 

[SBee]

You see @sunkacola and @JamieMarc I'm still coming to terms with using the word disabled for myself. I know it is a fact, diagnoses support that, PIP benefit and blue badge supports that but my mind will need to catch up with that label. I've yet to find a term that seems more suitable to my mind. And yet.. disabled is what we are. The word sounds so drastic and of course with fibromyalgia and any other health conditions that give us chronic pain and fatigue are drastic in how they affect us.
That word is a weird one for me atm.

 

[JamieMarc]

@SBee well you came to the right place because I don't like the word disabled for myself either. I prefer to use the word differently-abled.

 

[sunkacola]

@SBee and @JamieMarc ....my thoughts on the word "disabled".

I think if we have a problem with applying it to ourselves it might be because for so long that word has had connotations of being weak, being unable to do anything, maybe even being stupid or worthless to the world. As we all know, up until pretty recently disabled people, no matter what the disability was or the cause of it, were sidelined and often completely removed from society. They couldn't get jobs even if they were able to work. They were stuck in institutions just because they were unable to walk or to talk. It was assumed that if someone was in a wheelchair they couldn't do anything at all. They couldn't even get into many public buildings because of the stairs.

This has been changing, though. We now have Olympic Games for people who are missing arms and/or legs. People with various disabilities have important jobs and get elected to positions of power and responsibility. Public buildings are required in many countries to have entrances, doorways, elevators and other accommodations that are accessible to people who are not able to use stairs. Many public events are signed for the Deaf, and many places have signs in Braille. The grocery store I go to hires people who are non-verbal Autistic, and they do good work.

But the deep down attitudes that have been ingrained for so long still linger. People in wheelchairs often report that strangers talk loudly to them (as if being in a wheelchair also means you are deaf). Those ingrained attitudes take longer to change than laws do. And we internalize them and I think that's why we don't want to apply the term to ourselves.

Part of the reason that I do use the term for myself is to overcome this, not only for myself but also for others with whom I might use this term (although I rarely have any need or reason to do so).

People with disabilities are able to do all of the same things that people without disabilities can do, depending on what the disability is. But we are not able to do everything we used to do, or that people with zero disabilities can do, and that is why we call it being disabled. To me it's important for people with disabilities to sort of "claim" their space in the world, to stand up and be counted, so to speak, and to show others that we still have worth and value.

That's just how I see it. Of course, I am not saying anyone who is uncomfortable with the term should use it, especially as we are all plenty uncomfortable enough already! If you don't like the term, don't use it. No one is going to say you "should"!
These are only my thoughts, and my reason for being OK with using the words for myself.

 

[JamieMarc]

Part of the reason that I do use the term for myself is to overcome this,

You make a very good point. I don't want to be part of the problem, but part of the solution of this ingrained stigma about disabled individuals and disabilities. Perhaps I need to change my own paradigm about this topic. Thanks for helping me see this in a new and healthy way!

 

[SBee]

@sunkacola you make some very valid points,views that I hadn't considered. Particularly for disabled to "claim" their space in the world. Many parts of society have been historically, almost hidden from the general world. and thankfully, very slowly attitudes are changing.

I'm going to mull this over in my difficulty in using this word towards myself. Its only just become an issue for me at times. I think the 'hidden' nature of some applicable health conditions has me riled with the " but you dont look ill" type of speech, let alone imagining " you dont look disabled"... But I then need to reaffirm that how I am, and in effect, how I am 'Labelled' is no ones business but my own, and those I need to\choose to share it with. Food for thought.
Thank you for interesting and thought provoking views.