What would you say?

[elawhon]

Normally when people I work with greet me in the mornings and ask how are you doing, I will just smile and say fine and I hope you are. Then there are those that I work with that I can call my friends and know what is going on with my health for the last several months who ask me the same thing and I am not sure what to say. They are my friends, but I am sure they get tired of me telling the truth. I get tired of saying it. This past week I did tell one of my coworker friends that she was asking a loaded question and was she sure she wanted the true answer. She just laughed and said that maybe you will start feeling better soon since I had found a new doctor that actually cared and was trying to help me. She didn't exactly answer my question and I don't really know how she feels about hearing how I really feel when it could be a negative response to her question every day. I did have another friend to send me a pin from Pinterest that said... "A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face". This made me feel that it was okay to deceive others in order to remain silent about my issues, and my friends should not even have to ask...they should know. I just feel that sometimes we get into bad habits in our greetings to others and we ask people how they are, but do we really want to know the answer?

What are your thoughts on this?

 

[Jenny Heart]

I feel that asking someone that has Fibromyalgia how they're feeling is thoughtful, and shows compassion, even if the answer is clear on how they may respond to how they're feeling. I think that starting out the day with kindness for one another is a great thing, no matter what illness, or condition someone has. It helps people feel cared about, and helps them want to carry on their day with the fact that they are cared about.

 

[1sweed]

Personally, having lost friends just from having fibro, I usually say that things are good some days and bad others, as having constant pain can often be. If they ask more questions then I am willing to be open and honest about how I feel. But I never overburden my friends or others about my condition as it seems they can not handle it and often back away from our friendship do to helplessness over what to say or do. I think many people are just plumb afraid of any serious health condition and find it easier to back away then offer to help.

 

[Trellum]

Personally, having lost friends just from having fibro, I usually say that things are good some days and bad others, as having constant pain can often be. If they ask more questions then I am willing to be open and honest about how I feel. But I never overburden my friends or others about my condition as it seems they can not handle it and often back away from our friendship do to helplessness over what to say or do. I think many people are just plumb afraid of any serious health condition and find it easier to back away then offer to help.

I have the same approach! I lost a couple friends that way too! That's why I try not to overwhelm the ones who are still my friends with my disease, I mean, who wants a friend who is constantly complaining about aches, right? It's a sad but true reality. I try not to talk about what's going on with me with most of my friends.

The only I talk about the things I'm worried about is my best friend, and even with him I make sure not to talk about my issues all the time. He is my best friend and loves me, but I realize there are limits :|

 

[Trellum]

Normally when people I work with greet me in the mornings and ask how are you doing, I will just smile and say fine and I hope you are. Then there are those that I work with that I can call my friends and know what is going on with my health for the last several months who ask me the same thing and I am not sure what to say. They are my friends, but I am sure they get tired of me telling the truth. I get tired of saying it. This past week I did tell one of my coworker friends that she was asking a loaded question and was she sure she wanted the true answer. She just laughed and said that maybe you will start feeling better soon since I had found a new doctor that actually cared and was trying to help me. She didn't exactly answer my question and I don't really know how she feels about hearing how I really feel when it could be a negative response to her question every day. I did have another friend to send me a pin from Pinterest that said... "A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face". This made me feel that it was okay to deceive others in order to remain silent about my issues, and my friends should not even have to ask...they should know. I just feel that sometimes we get into bad habits in our greetings to others and we ask people how they are, but do we really want to know the answer?

What are your thoughts on this?

I was actually thinking of this the other day when I went to see the doctor, he asked how I was... and I said (hesitating) ''fine''. He said: ''then why are you here?'' and that's when I knew I had to give the real answer! It's funny how you get used to give the same answer every-time they ask you how you are doing: ''fine''. Even if you are feeling terrible.

I got so used to doing this... it's almost like a reflex, because I'm pretty sure NO ONE wants to hear the truth about how I feel (emotional and physical pain), so I'm keeping most to myself.

 

[QuentinCroft]

Interesting thread. Especially since I am an observer of my wife Vs having FB myself, so I'm clearly no expert and have been gaining information from here to attempt to be a better supporter of my wife's condition.
Some comments in this thread reminded me of pieces that have come my way over the years that I have both forgotten about or sometimes remembered to be useful.
One collection is in the prayer of St Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is error, truth;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Observing my wife's FM I often see people who have been to hell and back are generally more able to demonstrate the above principles.
Many people she encounters (including myself sometimes) demonstrate their ignorance and tend to condemn things prior to being willing to develop an understanding about those same things. Contempt prior to investigation so to speak.

I hope to develop according to this which for me will take some work.

 

[elawhon]

Interesting thread. Especially since I am an observer of my wife Vs having FB myself, so I'm clearly no expert and have been gaining information from here to attempt to be a better supporter of my wife's condition.
Some comments in this thread reminded me of pieces that have come my way over the years that I have both forgotten about or sometimes remembered to be useful.
One collection is in the prayer of St Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is error, truth;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Observing my wife's FM I often see people who have been to hell and back are generally more able to demonstrate the above principles.
Many people she encounters (including myself sometimes) demonstrate their ignorance and tend to condemn things prior to being willing to develop an understanding about those same things. Contempt prior to investigation so to speak.

I hope to develop according to this which for me will take some work.

Thank you so much for sharing the words of St. Francis. Spiritually speaking, I feel there is so much I can give through my ailments by being an example and trying to not get so wrapped up in my on despair. Loving others despite my afflictions. Just the everyday greeting to coworkers for example. It is so much better for me to greet others with a smile and hello, and today is a wonderful day no matter what. Such an attitude would be a pick me up for all parties involved in the greeting. Your thoughts on the subject have been most helpful for me in my own dilemma. I would love to continue to hear other's opinions.

 

[Loftpat]

I generally reply with a fairly generic answer like better than yesterday but not as good as a couple days ago. Or I'm hanging in there. And thank them for asking. I think folks who know care, but don't want the details. It's a difficult situation. I refuse to spend my life being defined by FM so I push through a lot and am grateful for the better days. I've encouraged good friends and loved ones to read the research and once they have, they get it. But it's an effort to get to that place and I don't have the energy to get into it with casual friends or coworkers. Asking how you are is almost a reflex question from those folks, so I use the above generic response and move on. I know that I have the support of others and that's where I find comfort. Having a place like this forum also helps because we share so much and truly understand the pain and frustration. Many people "care" in the remote sense, but likely have enough in their own lives for me to fill their plates with my stuff. Hopefully our experiences do allow us to have more compassion and empathy for others.
So, I hurt like crazy today but I'm better than yesterday.

 

[Tigressa]

I feel like only very few of my friends truly care to know how I feel, so I do give them a more in-depth answer. But for the majority of my friends, I usually just answer that I'm ok or that I'm hanging in there. Everyone is so busy with their lives and I doubt that they want to hear me talking about my everyday struggles. It just makes me value my true friends so much more

 

[exploreandrespawn]

I think it's important to inquire honestly about the way an individual is feeling, if they are unwell. I think it's beneficial to them. for all we know, they may be living with people who do not give a damm, or a spouse, or caregiver that is cranky, irritable and angry. We don't know the battle they are facing. It's all nice, crapping unicorns and rainbows, to think that all family and friends are understanding, but they are often not. Some see an individual who is unwell as a burden. In the case of Fibro or CFS, there even may be people who think they are fibbing about their pain. They are not, you and I know this. so just to balance out the odd chance that they may have someone who treats them as a burden, I think it's important to ask them, and then allow enough time for them to just let it all come out.