Trauma

[diamond]

Hi guys and girls..

I had a terrible trauma in my personal life at Easter..my fibro as many regulars will know has declined dramatically in last 2 years.

It has affected my relationship with my partner as i went from active happy fibro lady to more and more debilitated and no doubt reactive depression too for quite a while.

Its too complex to go onto on a forum but basically he dumped me when i stupidly said at Easter i felt i could take no more of my life in so much pain and feeling a useless failure. Really It was a subconscious cry for help and reassurance that backfired.

Rejection and blame for being unwell is my achilles heel. I could cope with most things but on top of feeling i am of so little value he confirmed it by walking out!

MY anxiety and distress feelings went through the roof and now I am left in even worse pain..i cant sleep for burning stabbing throbbing pain head to toe or barely get out of bed for a whole month so far.

My head face jaw and eyes are agony..i literally am living mostly curled up in bed with my hot water bottles on my body and ice bags on my head day and night.

I have upped my meds and tried others but nothing is remotely easing such severe pain...infact in general they make me feel worse so i have cut back to minimal to just try and get some sleep.

Any of you ever hit such a bad a long crisis that did something to your fibro like this?

I dont even feel well enough to watch TV or speak to anyone much.

 

[Peaceandquiet]

Of all people, you do not deserve this....from your kind, understanding and generous words in your posts, you seem like someone we would all like to hang out with. I know from what I have read that you have an inner strength that will get you through this even though it's hard to imagine right now.
It's as though you are in a viscious cycle of pain, sadness, hopelessness and medication. I would like to imagine you in a beautifully comfortable chair in the sunshine right next to mine....even though you are on the other side of the world. Close your eyes and maybe you can feel the enveloping warmth.
I don't know what the future holds for you but I hope it is all good. XO

 

[diamond]

Ah thanks so much peaceandquiet...i love your forum name!

I should add my partner did come back after Easter and i don't know what the future holds for us.....he is not a bad guy...i just think he cant cope with fibro like i am not coping well either.

It does'nt matter how many times you explain the link between severe pain and stress normal people just see a body and cant imagine the impact it has.

I appreciate your warm reply....i know a little about your part of the world especially the East Coast ..Fraser Island etc..i will imagine myself there looking out toward the ocean and praying for happier and healthy times for all of us.

 

[sunkacola]

Oh, diamond, I am sorry you went through that. I hope that your partner does better by you in the future.

I have not had a friend to do anything with or talk to for a very long time, and just 3 months ago started making friends with someone who I thought might turn out to be a real friend. We have had some fun together a few times, and supported each other a bit.

but, last night he called me and when he asked me how I was I was honest and told him I was depressed. His reaction was to say "gee, I thought that the fun we had yesterday lifted your spirits". I said, yes, it HAD lifted my spirits, and I was grateful, but once I am alone the despair descends once again. And you know what he said? He said "I guess you just don't want to feel better".

You know, to me, that is just the most cruel thing anyone can say to someone who had fibro, is in constant pain, and is severely depressed. I told him he had hurt my feelings badly, and that what he said made me feel even worse, and that it was a mean thing to say. He sent me an email after that basically making it all about him; saying that he didn't need any criticism from me. And, of course, he didn't apologize for hurting me.

So maybe I don't have a friend after all and I am back to being totally alone in the world. And, of course, the stress of having this negative interaction has increased all my problems.

And so.....I fully sympathize with you, diamond. I know how hard it is when someone blames you for what you are enduring and cannot change. God, don't these people realize that we would change this if only we could??!

I am so sick of being blamed for what has happened to me! I was just going along, living my life, not hurting or bothering anyone, and was happy and content with my little calm uneventful life, and then my partner died and my entire life went to hell. I did not cause my partner's death. I did not cause my fibro. I did not cause my depression. I did not cause my fatigue. I am doing the very best I can, with NO help from anyone, and I get told that I "don't want to feel better". I don't even want to try any more.

 

[diamond]

Dear sunkacola ..im so sorry you too have these horrible experiences..this is not the first time for me and my partner either lol but i would fill 10 posts to give the details plus i often forget this is a public place not me privately chatting with my fibro friends.

I too would be hurt by such comments...believe me i have had my share over the years in many situations.

Will you give this friend another chance if you enjoyed the time together. Maybe you could see it as a casual way to spend time that helps lift your spirits at least while you are out and interacting and accept this is a person who doesnt and probably never will understand illnesses like fibro or depression.

I guess unless you have experienced such things its hard to understand. My partner has had anxiety issues himself and i have always been there when he needed me and i instinctively knew how to help and listen and give more love and support not withdraw it!

Im 100% sure you are doing your best at all times....i hope you do find some moments of enjoyment and less pain and depression.

I keep thinking about your situation with the interstate and am hoping you are feeling a little calmer about it but im sure this friends reaction didnt help one bit.

Take care

 

[vickythecat]

Gosh, I don't know what to say. You must be in a horrible place, mentally and physically and I really feel for you. Fibro is hell and it is often an very lonesome hell, so those few in our lives matter so much to us. And then they leave us...I dont know what comforting things I can tell you, but just share my story so you know you are not the only one.

I went through something similar when I was 27. I was in a loving relationship for 7 years, living together happily, sharing ups and downs. After months of bad news, joblessness, then a stressful awful job, one day I simply lost it mentally and had to be hospitalized. My ex was very supportive and caring in the beginning, but within the next 6 months, she started also being very mean towards me. Said things like 'you are no fun, you bore me, I am ashamed to be with you, ashamed to invite you over to my parents/friends place, you are useless, you are stupid' etc. Very mean stuff you simply do not say to a depressed, seriously mentally ill person. And to hear that from the ONLY person in my life in the worst time of my life was true hell.

In the end, she obviously left me (first cheated on me, which hurt a lot)....I was left on my own. I had to reach out to people despite my severe social anxiety. I reached out to an old friend, my elderly aunt and to my GP. I don't think I'd be here now without them.

So my advice would be to do the same. Seek people, seek help, find people to spend time with. Invite them over and simply sit with them, let them talk about life - not only about your life, your pains, your problems, but especially about their day-to-day life. How they went to the grocery shop and the bananas were on sale, or how the bus was late 10 minutes - mundane everyday stuff like that. It opens up one's eyes to the fact that life goes on, that there is so much other sadness and pain out there, so many new experiences, opportunities, and so much beauty....

Mental and/or physical trauma is often the trigger for fibro or a very bad fibro episode, so please reach out and be around people. When you are up to it, try to go and spend some time in the sun, relaxing and just living the moment.

I wish you a lot strength. Know that no matter how bad, this too will pass.

 

[diamond]

You are all so sweet and kind thank you for sharing your stories vicky and sunkacola....i agree about needing people..problem is 10 years into fibro and giving up driving i have so few trusty people left. I definitely also agree listening to other peoples daily lives helps brings sense of the normal world back into your own if just a little.

Vicky your experience sounds so truly awful and painful..i understand those feelings.

Lol i smiled at the way you talk of the price of bananas being on sale..i cant tell you how much the depth of understanding shared experiences and the humour makes me feel not so alone...thank you for your replies.

 

[sunkacola]

Thank you diamond and vicky for your words of comfort. Thanks a lot.

vicky, I am sooo sorry your partner left you.
I have also been left....many years ago, before I got fibro.....by the person I thought was the love of my life.....and know how it feels.
It is awful.
I know it is not easy to be with someone who is ill. Some people cannot handle it.
But to leave in a cruel fashion is inexcusable.

I had finally found one person in my whole life who accepted me for who I am, and was happy being with her for 10 years and then she died, four years ago. I have been depressed ever since.

As for the "friend", I suspect that he is gone for good. He said that he didn't need to be criticized. Now, what I said to him was, "that is a cruel thing to say to me and you have hurt my feelings really badly". To me, that is letting someone know they hurt you. Not criticism. anyway, I tried to contact him, say that I would apologize and he could apologize and we could work it out but there's no response. So the end of that friendship is on him. But here's the thing. He was really making the entire thing all about him. His little ego was dented because he did not magically have all the power to make me "all better". And I was not willing to lie and tell him I was all better. And so he had to blame me for being depressed. It had to be my fault. I don't need someone like that in my life!!

As for finding people to interact with..............well, I did. It is very hard for me to go out and meet people....I can't just "find people"... I have no social groups, and live far from town, and have social anxiety, and am tired all the time. But despite that I forced myself out to a meeting where I might meet someone who could be a friend. And I met someone. And that was that "friend" mentioned above. I see how that turned out and it doesn't exactly make me want to go out and try to find someone else to talk to. I do not trust people easily. I do not find it easy to talk to most people. It will probably be a long, long time before I try again.