Stopping the battle

[30 plus years]

For a few days now I've been struggling with resentment over the constant pain I have to live with. I even said "I just won't accept this anymore!!" wanting so bad to feel better enough to do more than clean my toilet and a load of laundry. Kept telling myself we're not supposed to minimize what we can do, but I do it anyway. Feel so incompetent, unproductive. It greatly affects my mood, dragging me down.

Then it occurred to me that resisting the reality was only hurting me. It is what it is and I can only do my best. I have to be happy with that. Mindfulness. Appreciate the little things. Need to let go of what I could do in the past. If it's baby steps, so be it.

A lot of the same psychology actually applies to working with the grief of going blind.
My driver's license was pulled from me when I was only 39. My husband was working crazy shifts and we were raising two boys. It's 24 years later and I gradually lost vision in one eye and have very little left in the other. I had to learn mobility skills using a cane. With zero peripheral vision, I have to scan to see where someone is. I miss the extension of a hand gesture to shake hands. It makes me flustered.

I've fallen a bunch of times, flat on my face. Don't see curbs or steps very well.
Recovering from falling, as you can well imagine, takes so much time. Thankfully, the only thing I've fractured is part of my right foot.

Anyway, didn't mean to go on, but just felt the need to express the comparisons here. I'm juggling two super difficult things to deal with. I need to stop being so hard on myself!! And I definitely need to employ ACCEPTANCE.

Any thoughts? I could use the encouragement.

 

[sunkacola]

@30 plus years , Please don't worry about "going on". You have written a very important post, not only for yourself but potentially also for other people to read, and I thank you for that.

What I think is that you have reached a turning point that is very healthy for you. It is my firm belief that resisting the reality of what is will always, no matter who you are or what the circumstances are, only harm a person. Time spent fighting reality, refusing to accept the truth, or arguing with the facts of one's life will always be wasted time and energy. And if you have fibromyalgia, or any other health condition, you just don't do yourself any favors by wasting what precious energy you have.

The term Radical Acceptance is something I try hard to take to heart. This isn't something learned and done, but rather something that most of us have to work on every single day. "Radical" is an important word here, to me. What it means to me is that I don't get to leave anything out. "Radical acceptance" means I have to accept everything, no matter what it is. That's not easy. Sometimes it feels very difficult indeed. Which is why I have to remember it every single day.

But I also believe that the degree to which a person can fully accept what is in the moment is the degree to which that person can have peace of mind in that moment. And I have seen this proven out in my life over and over, when I am able to manage to do it.

Of course, it's always important to remember that Acceptance is not the same thing as approval, or acquiescence, or apathy. It simply means not wasting time with "this shouldn't be happening" or "I hate this", and instead going straight to "this is happening....now, what is my best response to it in this moment?" By doing that, we can, instead of trying to resist the reality (which will always be futile), see what we can do to change what is happening, if possible, or adapt to it in whatever way we need to in order to continue our lives.

Good for you, for realizing this. And I want you to know that you have my full support in continuing this practice. You are dealing with a LOT, and I am so sorry that you have to. I wish I could make it better for you. But at the least, I and others can be here to read what you have to say and to offer our support.

 

[30 plus years]

I really appreciate your empathy and thoughtful reminders. Sure wish it was "learned and done" though!! It seems constant. Without a daily sense of accomplishment, my self-worth suffers.

 

[sunkacola]

I really appreciate your empathy and thoughtful reminders. Sure wish it was "learned and done" though!! It seems constant. Without a daily sense of accomplishment, my self-worth suffers.

Yes, I so understand this.
What I have done, in part, is to lower my standard of what constitutes "an accomplishment". Since I feel like some kind of failure if I have no sense of accomplishment for the day, I try to do something every day. But I have learned to make very small things count. If I take the dogs for a walk, that's an accomplishment, even though I manage to do that most days. If I do even a tiny bit of cleaning or tidying, so that my home doesn't descend into clutter or being dirty (which would only depress me, so it's very important for me to maintain it), then that is an "accomplishment". If I write a couple of hopefully helpful or at least encouraging posts on this forum, that counts. And so on. I don't have to throw myself a party for every single one, but at the end of the day I don't need to feel like a loser, either.

And on the days that I am in so much pain I can't really do anything, or so depressed that I can't motivate myself, or both, then I don't get anything done. And then, I practice Radical Acceptance on that as well, and let it go. As long as that doesn't happen too often or for more than two days in a row, I give myself permission to have those Really Bad Days. If it seems to be going on, then I pretty much force myself to do something, however tiny. And by tiny I mean just tidying the coffee table, maybe, or doing some of the dishes. And then I give myself credit for doing that.

Our self worth does suffer. And there's no getting around that, and nothing is going to make that go away completely. So, as I see it, all I can do is what I am able to do each day, and then practice Radical Acceptance even on the fact that my self worth is suffering.

 

[ckahern]

Exceptince was a real issue for me! I was only 29 and had recently married the man of my dreams, when I was diagnosed with FB in 1994. The doctor I went to had written an article about FB and as I read it I thought "no way do I have this." Now 32 years later I have seen FB affect so many people's lives and it is frustrating that they haven't come close to finding out what causes it! We must hold each up and be hopeful for a better day.