Seriously, how can we cope with daily life?

[Badger]

I would like to work towards Radical Acceptance and go with the flow. If nothing else in life, that would be worth achieving.

 

[SBee]

I understand @sunkacola we all have choices, and within the concept of acceptance we still make free ' good ' or ' bad ' choices - and accept the consequences of our actions. On some occasions, because I am worried about the daily essential tasks I am I able to do, I push myself harder than I should, therefore experience additional pain or worse fatigue. This is a change I can't always make for the better. Tasks need doing and I cannot always manage them.

As yet, I am not in a position to understand each time how to fully accept this. Whilst I understand fibromyalgia is here, and I do, as you say, work with it on diet, gentle exercise and lifestyle changes, but some Life Stuff will not go away. I have let some tasks go, adapted some and understand I can't achieve what I used to do. I am still working on days where I know I do too much, yet ' reserve ' the next day as a quieter less demanding day physically.
But maybe in time, as you say with practice, I can stop some of the mental battle I still have at feeling I have to keep going even when I shouldn't ?

It's hard to let go a strong ethic of hard work and watch my ( non complaining ) partner take up my unintentional slack. But yet ( battling again mentally) I still have to remember if I do too much on a single day then it makes it harder to recover in the next few hours/days.

I was interested in your post, - I am very much work in progress

 

[Badger]

@SBee it sounds like you have a good work ethic. It can serve us well but complicate things if something like our health holds us back. My father was strict with a short temper and I followed him into the building trade. I wonder if it's possible to channel such a work ethic towards a different lifestyle? The workload might change, but the outlook could essentially be the same.

 

[SBee]

I agree @Badger. I do have strong work ethic but yes, I see whilst they can be useful when we have ' control ' in a situation, heath wise it can be detrimental .
So I may try to do as you suggest and while I already channel this part of my nature\character to diet, exercise, mindfulness ( early stages) it may help me to 'begin to re think less in terms of trying to be stronger than my body can cope, but rather using my characteristic to work towards a better way to adapt carefully rather than fight to overcome. Will as @sunkacola say, take practice.
Words are lacking today, hope this makes some sort of sense.

Basically I realise I am running before I can walk. As you said earlier, breathe and think. And understand in my case it's a long term thing, not short term. Thank you

 

[sunkacola]

I understand @sunkacola we all have choices, and within the concept of acceptance we still make free ' good ' or ' bad ' choices - and accept the consequences of our actions. On some occasions, because I am worried about the daily essential tasks I am I able to do, I push myself harder than I should, therefore experience additional pain or worse fatigue. This is a change I can't always make for the better. Tasks need doing and I cannot always manage them.

As yet, I am not in a position to understand each time how to fully accept this. Whilst I understand fibromyalgia is here, and I do, as you say, work with it on diet, gentle exercise and lifestyle changes, but some Life Stuff will not go away. I have let some tasks go, adapted some and understand I can't achieve what I used to do. I am still working on days where I know I do too much, yet ' reserve ' the next day as a quieter less demanding day physically.
But maybe in time, as you say with practice, I can stop some of the mental battle I still have at feeling I have to keep going even when I shouldn't ?

It's hard to let go a strong ethic of hard work and watch my ( non complaining ) partner take up my unintentional slack. But yet ( battling again mentally) I still have to remember if I do too much on a single day then it makes it harder to recover in the next few hours/days.

I was interested in your post, - I am very much work in progress

For me, (and I think this is the spirit of Radical Acceptance), the practice also means not ever labelling or judging my choices as "good" or "bad". They are just choices, period. You are very lucky to have a partner who picks up the slack, even as you, of course, don't feel good about it -- I wouldn't feel good about that either. I am on my own, so if I don't do it, it simply doesn't get done at all, ever.

So for me what that comes down to is that if I cannot manage it, and it doesn't get done (or, if I choose not to do it today because my body says "no"), then I accept that. I accept that the task isn't done. This may mean that something is not up to my standards, and even may mean it stays that way for a long time depending on various things. I used to get upset about that, but my consistent practice of acceptance has allowed me to get to the point of looking at those things a different way. And this has been immeasurably helpful to me.

I now ask myself what level of importance it is. Highest priority is the health and well being of my animals. So, if they are going to run out of food I have to go to town. If one needs medical attention, I have to drive them to the vet. I have to clean the cat box and pick up the dog yard and groom my dog who requires regular grooming, and so on. I have to eat and I have to take the dogs for a walk and do laundry and so on. Now, if task is a matter of taking care of something that needs to get done but doesn't involve something that is alive and would suffer, it's less important.

I don't just let everything else go indefinitely, but these days if I have to put it off I am not hard on myself about it, and that is the big difference. When I used to give myself a hard time, by criticizing myself for not getting something done or by just feeling bad about it or being dissatisfied with the fact of an un-done task, those emotions only made my fibro symptoms worse and fed into my strong tendencies to get depressed. And I have actually found that the less I let things like that bother me, the more energy that frees up to get something done, because that anxiety/dissatisfaction/etc. uses energy.

As for the "how" to accept that.....there's no real technique as such. What I do, and for you something else might work better, is I simply remind myself each time, "Accept this also." Reminding myself that Radical Acceptance means accepting Everything, leaving nothing out at all, ever.
This practice has been more helpful to me than any other one thing that I have done since developing fibromyalgia.

 

[Badger]

I remind myself when thinking back to the past if I can't understand why something happened, then try to be understanding. We are not our worst choices, mistakes happen, people react differently, accept it happens and don't waste energy with blame. Today I could do with not getting wound up because my chronic hamstring pain is worse after trying to gently stretch. It's been like this for years and similar to other injuries.

 

[Edit]

I understand @sunkacola we all have choices, and within the concept of acceptance we still make free ' good ' or ' bad ' choices - and accept the consequences of our actions. On some occasions, because I am worried about the daily essential tasks I am I able to do, I push myself harder than I should, therefore experience additional pain or worse fatigue. This is a change I can't always make for the better. Tasks need doing and I cannot always manage them.

As yet, I am not in a position to understand each time how to fully accept this. Whilst I understand fibromyalgia is here, and I do, as you say, work with it on diet, gentle exercise and lifestyle changes, but some Life Stuff will not go away. I have let some tasks go, adapted some and understand I can't achieve what I used to do. I am still working on days where I know I do too much, yet ' reserve ' the next day as a quieter less demanding day physically.
But maybe in time, as you say with practice, I can stop some of the mental battle I still have at feeling I have to keep going even when I shouldn't ?

It's hard to let go a strong ethic of hard work and watch my ( non complaining ) partner take up my unintentional slack. But yet ( battling again mentally) I still have to remember if I do too much on a single day then it makes it harder to recover in the next few hours/days.

I was interested in your post, - I am very much work in progress

Ok, first I am having a good day in the mental health sense, but am really starting to wonder how best to cope on a day to day basis?

Today I pushed myself far to much in a physical sense, ( again) purely because there's so much needs doing in house and garden let alone other stuff. So naturally the fatigue has kicked in, and as is with me, the fibro nerve pain has increased along with stiffness, and the arthritis in the hands has ramped up.

I genuinely do accept these conditions aren't going away and I continue to add lifestyle changes in, to give my body ( and mind) the best I can.

But it's the actual practicalities of living? We have cut down on housework ( who wouldn't ) and my husband ( himself ill) has taken on even more jobs, I still try to work\rest, but it's just not feasible to do that every day. Life needs work.

I'm awaiting a talk with a rheumatologist nurse tomorrow and next week talking to my gp. I may ask about pain meds to block things so I can actually work more? But would that just mask things , and in doing so actually worsen symptoms or health in the long term?

Gah! Anyone any suggestions? I know full well we're all in the same boat..

I got an painkiller patch what I have to change every 7 the days. the name here in Australia Bupradermal Buprenorphine 15 mg / hour. I started to use in 2020 wit 10 mg/h but it was not enough and my former doctor increased the dosage for that, in it is works for me. Not all my pain is gone, but around 40-50 % feel less pain then when I got the oral Panadeine forte tablets. I know lot of people think it could be addictive, I think it is true, but without this help I can not do live my daily life relatively normal. I am pensioner (I always was a housewife but here everybody get state pension after age pension age 65 even if the person never worked) my hb too, but he is much healthier then me and take over so many chore . at the moment I don't ask government help for cleaner or gardening , until we can do I think we will be fine. Sorry my English is only my second language I never studied in school. I make a lot of grammar mistake.

 

[JamieMarc]

@SBee
I have the same problem. Especially with a new home and so much to do, my so-called work ethic and impatience can backfire on me and be so frustrating. But along the same lines as @sunkacola radical acceptance, I try to accept the things I cannot change, change the things that I can.

The obvious solution, although radical and undoable for many, is to move to a home that does not require as much maintenance, or a smaller home, or modifying your existing home. I do not have a helpmate, so I chose a mobile home in a park where some things are handled by the homeowners association, such as maintaining the landscape. Like you, I am a gardener, but as I plan my garden in this new home, I am careful to choose native plants that will require less maintenance. My garden areas are also much much smaller than they would be in a site built home.

We must teach ourselves to say no to things that do not feel good. This is also something I have had difficulty with all of my life, being the people pleaser that I am. Lol. But I am learning to say no to things that do not feel good physically or mentally. If it is a chore, it can wait for another day. And if it is an invitation to socialize, sometimes I just have to say no I can't do that today.

I have also found a local son of a neighbor who is staying with his mom in my neighborhood who is a handyman of sorts, and I have already spoken with him about hiring him to do a few things that I know will be too difficult for me.

Please be careful with the NSAIDs. They kill over 30,000 people in the United States every year. I hope that you are only taking them short-term. And if not, that your kidney function is being monitored by your doctor closely.

Coping with fibromyalgia is very difficult, but not impossible. Be grateful that you do have a helpmate, and that you can do some things that you enjoy, albeit perhaps not as often as you would like. Look for the silver linings. There always is one.

Hugs and love!

 

[SBee]

You know @JamieMarc you always make me see the sense that is hidden in me that I don't really want to face up to!

I think I'm still too new to all the health crap that has hit me in such a sort time scale. And I'm not yet able to catch up with the knowing it's long term changes I need to make. So I've kind of taken myself back a bit and doing the smaller changes and just adding in more changes as I can, other wise with my personality I'm going to carry on doing the same mistakes and suffering for it.

To be fair my husband is probably better at stopping me than I am myself. I'm wracked with ( needless) guilt when I can't do as much as I feel I need to.
But this week I did half hours garden work, then some happy potting on - gentle work but a sort of reward for stopping before I went too far.

out house is a bit high maintenance as is the garden, and one day when I am on my own I will need somewhere that has less demands ( some of which I know I put upon myself ).

But it's good place to be, I just need to readjust. I forget to give myself time to adapt to my illness and working with it, not against it. Too stubborn and I need to change that attitude long term.

And. am,like you determine to offload some maintenance to local tradesmen\women. That's a good necessary change.

Thank you my little silver lining friend, just keep reminding me when I push too far again - and remind me also to give myself credit when I try to adapt
hugs always

 

[BlueBells]

For me, (and I think this is the spirit of Radical Acceptance), the practice also means not ever labelling or judging my choices as "good" or "bad". They are just choices, period. You are very lucky to have a partner who picks up the slack, even as you, of course, don't feel good about it -- I wouldn't feel good about that either. I am on my own, so if I don't do it, it simply doesn't get done at all, ever.

@sunkacola I could have written just about the whole lot of your post ! Critters, yes, they must be cared for, and no matter how bad I am feeling, they get cared for. That can have a downside, as I can turn around and say to myself "well, maybe you're not that crook, you can care for the cats! " I am still learning that pushing does have consequences, but sometimes there is not an option.

Sorry my English is only my second language I never studied in school. I make a lot of grammar mistake.

@Edit Don't worry about it. I was actually thinking either spell check was messing up, or, as happens with me, my hands get weak and don't press the keys hard enough and I don't always notice the mess before I enter the post

We must teach ourselves to say no to things that do not feel good. This is also something I have had difficulty with all of my life, being the people pleaser that I am. Lol. But I am learning to say no to things that do not feel good physically or mentally. If it is a chore, it can wait for another day. And if it is an invitation to socialize, sometimes I just have to say no I can't do that today.

@JamieMarc I'm finding I tend to avoid people, as I am so bad at saying no. It's caught me such beauties when the fog has impaired my better judgement

But it's good place to be, I just need to readjust. I forget to give myself time to adapt to my illness and working with it, not against it. Too stubborn and I need to change that attitude long term.

@SBee I think changing attitude is the most optimal decision. Mind you, I am struggling with it I am moving (should have been past tense by now) and I want the place to be 'sparse' with nothing unnecessary. I am also going to have the yard set with a watering system that minimises hand use, and and easy care garden. I also don't want my daughter to have heaps of 'stuff' to deal with later, so I am dealing with it now.

This whole read, @Badger also, has been amazing, in that I could have written so much of it. I too am a work in progress, trying to sort what I can and cannot change, learning my limits and accepting they can change daily, or even hourly on some days.

I've been trying to de-clutter, and one hint was every time one enters a room, deal with just five things that are out of place. It might be putting something back in its place, removing rubbish, returning something to the room it belongs in... just five.

I now apply the "five rule" to my day, every day. I must do five things in the day. A really good day is something like 1, cats fed, watered and trays done, 2 washing done, dried and packed away, 3 cooked a meal 4 got a couple of hours bookwork done 5 vacuumed / swept floors. Okay, that would be an incredibly rare day now, been some time since I've done that.

So, I cut it down as i feel able. 1 is split to two or three, same with 2, so even on my super bad days I get 5 still. 1 feed cats 2 feed me 3 check the letter box 4 cat trays (getting desperate to make it to 5 ) 5 emptied the rubbish bin Yay...Five

It's about accepting that sometimes a little is the days limit, but having that goal is teaching me to not be hard on myself, and that helps. A lot.

Hugs to all of you, tagged or not. Thanks for being there. Apologies for the long rant

 

[JamieMarc]

So I've kind of taken myself back a bit and doing the smaller changes and just adding in more changes as I can, other wise with my

@SBee
That's the way to do it. Baby steps. Like incorporate one new healthy habit or something that helps you with your fibro, give it some time to become a habit, and then move on to another new change and repeat. Yeah, don't overwhelm yourself. I've been there too. I can't believe how much I have learned and how much I have Incorporated into my life since joining this group, discovering new things that helps so much and making them apart of my lifestyle. I am so grateful.

determine to offload some maintenance to local tradesmen\women. That's a good necessary change.

Glad to hear this. And at the same time you're supporting your local handyman or woman. Lol. You can still enjoy the smaller things which are often the most enjoyable. I am so fortunate that I discovered my friends son. Being on a low fixed income, the cost to hire a professional handyman would be out of my price range. So this arrangement is going to be perfect for me and I'm so excited about it. Patrick came out yesterday and we discussed some work for the garden, and I have a little bit of roof work on the house I'm going to set him on as well. Then later on down the road some interior stuff which I won't have him do all by himself. I'll be there working alongside him but I'll have that extra set of hands and also someone to do the things I simply just cannot do or shouldn't do.

Thank you my little silver lining friend, just k

You're welcome and thank you! We all give and receive to one another here, even if we don't know it sometimes. So I thank you as well.

 

[Badger]

Tackling things in small stages proves to be an important and ongoing part of life for us. I remind myself of advice to make 1% differences throughout which they say add up and pay off months later. It's great to hear of others spending time in the garden. Some fresh air and better weather can be nice.

 

[SBee]

I also remind myself @Badger and @JamieMarc that small differences do add up, especially in the long term, when we make them part of our normal ways of doing things. I know it's been said before that a strong work habit is hard to break after 50 off years ( yeah, so closer to 60 in all honesty) so I'm doing myself a disservice by thinking I can change everything overnight. Small beneficial changes are far more sustainable.

I have mowed the lawn\moss today, but in stages with rest. Then rewarded myself with just wandering about looking at what's newly flowered whilst being stalked by a hopeful robin. Or just sitting and breathing. Love being outdoors, it really does us good.

Also whilst sitting there decided to take out two small crab apple trees that someone planted too close together. One we accidentally damaged, the other just affecting other trees and plants. Have a stupidly large ash tree one one side that needs sorting, so when we get someone to tackle them in the autumn ( see - offloading rather than doing it myself!) this will make some things simpler. And as you say JamieMarc, we can still do some things but need to either have a helping hand or ensure a more professional person does a more skilled job.
Small steps indeed.