Really need advice 😥

[ellief]

Hi everyone - first post here and I'm hoping it's in the right place. I'm 25 and I was diagnosed this past September.

I'm currently in a disagreement with my partner over his views on my fibromyalgia. My partner is abled and neurotypical, and he has made it clear that he thinks many of my reasons for not getting things done, which are due to pain, are actually excuses.

I've tried to explain to him that I just cannot function the same way he or other people can, and if I want to function better at all, I HAVE to exercise, eat healthy, and keep tabs on my mental. Other people can choose to do none of those things and still live a significantly less painless life than I ever will. He didn't agree at all and he said that I don't have it as bad as other people - I then tried to explain that suffering is not a contest... and so on.

For a long time after my diagnosis, I was working out regularly and doing daily yoga/meditation. I'm a person who has always struggled to stay consistent with doing these things. I had recently fallen off the horse a bit and hadn't exercised in some weeks, and my partner saw this as me "giving up" to fibromyalgia. He went on to call me entitled and ungrateful for what I have, and because I was slipping on my routine, that makes me unappreciative of him.

We've been together for years now and I love him so much, but this is the biggest disagreement we have ever had... over my own disability.

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know how to help this situation. I truly think he doesn't understand, and I'm baffled that he's against me on something like this.

Fibro sages, I need your wisdom

 

[cookiebaker]

hi @ellief - and welcome to the forums.

I am sorry that your partner is not very understanding of you and your fibro. Sadly, that is far too common.

Has he ever been sick with flu? you could try to use that as a kind of example.. it is like having the flu that never goes away...

Another analogy that many of us like is the damaged cell phone battery.. one that never charges completely, can die suddenly, and never has the same energy levels from day to day.. one day it might be 60% but the next only be 30% (do a search for "damaged cell phone battery analogy")
Perhaps that might help him understand.
Some still use the "spoon theory" but I think the damaged phone battery one is much more relatable for many people.

In the end, if he still refuses to support you, or even try to understand what you are dealing with, I hate to say it, and I know it is not what you want to hear, but having that kind of toxicity in your life is going to be even more detrimental to your health - both mental and physical.

I honestly hope that your partner will come to understand and you can work things out together. In the meantime, please do stay in touch.. all of us here do understand and care.

 

[sunkacola]

Greetings @ellief , and welcome to the forum. We will try to help you in any way we can, because that's what we are here for.

What cookiebaker says above I agree with entirely. Still, your partner may not be someone who can be convinced with words and explanations. I hope explanations will eventually convince, but you never know.

Another thing you can try is to tell him what I once told someone: "This is my problem, and I am doing my best to deal with it. I am not asking you for treatment, or help or even for understanding. All I am asking for is that you not make it worse than it already is. "

His telling you all those negative things definitely makes it worse for you. A person who truly loves you and wants the best for you doesn't want to make you feel worse. You can even say to him that he gets to think whatever he wants, but he has to stop saying those things out loud to you.

Another thing is that if he sees with his own eyes what it is like for you when you are in pain, perhaps he will believe you in time.
And some people have actually invited their significant other to read some of this forum.

If he absolutely will not stop making things worse for you, you might have to come to the same conclusion I did on one person. I simply couldn't have that person in my life any more. Clearly you will want to give this some time. Often it takes many months for a person to come around to being understanding. But if he doesn't, you might need to rethink the relationship.

Let us know how it is going. We're here for you.

 

[JayCS]

Sorry to hear that!
We've got a whole thread on getting people to understand with loads of examples here.

 

[ellief]

Thank you very much @JayCS , @cookiebaker and @sunkacola ! I will share these things with him and try to educate him a bit... hopefully he will trust and support me, which is all I need.

 

[sunkacola]

Best of luck. Let us know how it is going.

 

[ellief]

It's going much much better, thank you for the concern. He was in a bad mental space due to stress and was lashing out, but I've since gotten him the help he needed. He has seen and admitted the wrong in his actions and has apologized profusely. Phew That would've been a real deal breaker for me lol..

 

[cookiebaker]

It's going much much better, thank you for the concern. He was in a bad mental space due to stress and was lashing out, but I've since gotten him the help he needed. He has seen and admitted the wrong in his actions and has apologized profusely. Phew That would've been a real deal breaker for me lol..

I am so happy to hear this. And good on you for recognizing that he needed a bit of help, too!

 

[sunkacola]

Great news. Good for you, and for him, for seeing the situation clearly.