I've fallen and I can't get up.

[Chrispy93]

I’m 40 years old and I feel like my life is over. Was that all I had to offer? (Not that that’s a bad thing.)
I have no where to go from here but down. This is soo heavy for me I have no choice but to put it all aside just so I can try and have a normal day. I don’t think it’s working anymore.
I have no income. Waiting to get denied for SS for the 4th time. The thought of having to commit myself to any kind of job seems ridiculous and unrealistic.
I have no medical insurance. Free care only offers so much. I do get free Cymbalta.
I have not paid my mortgage since July when the program I was on ran out. Yes I am in touch with my lender and local assistance.
My 401k/ira was depleted last year and the IRS was harassing me for the $190 tax I owe on it. I currently have $95 in the bank. I better pay the cable/internet bill so I can keep my only form entertainment.
I just dropped $1200 in my car that is 17 years old to keep it going. I may need to live in it soon.
Not to mention, the laptop I’m using was purchased in 2006. And my cell phone is so old, it still has an antenna. I never use it so who really cares.
I sleep all day and stay up all night. I should look into the theory of fibro being a transition stage to becoming a vampire. Yes I do still have a sense of humor, I’m not dead. Yet.
My son is about to turn 21 and is trying to pursue his own life, not react to mine.
My cat has hyperthyroidism he needs daily meds for. He has asthma daily. And had to remove one of his eyes a few years back. I should make him a pirate costume for Halloween.
I quit smoking because I finally admitted I could not afford it anymore. I couldn’t ask my family for financial help that would include $40 a week for cigarettes when they don’t smoke. So now that’s great but, I’ve since gained 30lbs; went from size 8/10 to 14/16. Now I have additional aliments due to being overweight, like acid reflux. I’m learning about better eating this day in age.
I break out in hives if I don’t get enough sleep. It used to be if I pushed myself a bit too much.
Everyday household chores become weekly, weekly chores become monthly. My new thought is if I can’t remember the last time I did something, it’s probably time to do it again. Like take a shower.
I have no social life because I have anything good to talk about and can’t stand meaningless conversation. I found out who my true friends were. Including the last guy I actually opened up to. They’re all gone.
Family; it’s an obligation more than anything. We only see each other on holidays. I know they would be there for me if I asked but what happens if I don’t ask? Nothing.
I told my mother to leave me alone. Just couldn’t deal with her any longer. I would get aggravated after hearing only her first sentence of a conversation. Major source of stress.
One of my sisters died in a car accident a few years back. She was probable the closest person to me. My other sister is willing and attentive but we do not have the same relationship. (she knows what I mean)
I may have been dealing with major depressive disorder my whole life; but my life has done nothing but steadily go down hill since being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. My life is out of control. I had plans, this was not part of it. I’ve tried to accept the fibro and depression but how do I move on from here? How do I restart my life?

Has anyone out there gotten back up from anything remotely similar?

Thanks for you’re valued opinionated response.
I actually do talk to a councilor every other week.

 

[1sweed]

Chrispy93,
I would like to first welcome you to the forum. I think sometimes it is so hard to be humble and ask others for help in times of illness. I don't know your family, but maybe they see you as a strong person and they are unsure of how to approach you concerning your money situations. Maybe they think it might anger you if they offer first, without you asking them for help.

Lots of us have been down that long road of trying to get SSD or SSI. Sometimes it takes many years and then it is touch and go, as to if you get it or not. I am glad to hear that your able to get your meds and that your seeing a counseler. Money wise is tough, ideas, as in could you take in a boarder to help with bills or could you make crafts to sell? Could you help get neighbors to the grocery store or to run errands with your car?
Does your son help? You might need to consider giving up your cable tv and just have phone and internet. I watch tv online and I can't afford tv, so I just watch DVD's and old video's. I visit friends to watch tv.

Worse case if you have to give up your home could you move in with a friend or into government housing. I have a very good friends who realized it would be impossible to catch up on their late mortgage and so they let it go and moved in with friends who split their house to make room for them. And I hear you say your friends have all left. That does not necessarily mean that they don't care, sometimes other people just don't know what to do to help and so they step back out of your life, waiting until you ask them for help.

Many times when depression rules our lifes we become lifeless and have nothing to offer others. Sometimes our words only reflect our own pain and we can not see the suffering of others. Life revolves around us and our feelings seem more important than say the feelings of a good friend. When we don't get the response we are looking for we lash out in anger and drive people away. Then due to pride we are often unable to say we are sorry or even will you forgive me or I forgive you. Depression can ruin lives and break apart families, and break hearts as well.

I am happy you found this forum. Every member here cares about the pain and disappointments, that others are going through. We understand and will try to help if we can. Venting is a good thing it clears the mind and often gives way to another outlook on life. Please post more questions and we will try and answer them and at least be supportive in your time of need. Read the back posts on pain management and read the blogs. There are lots of good coping skills on the forum.

I truely hope things work out well for you. Please come back and let us know how you are doing.

 

[katydid]

You can't lose hope.... We are fighters. All of us. Even when we don't feel like it we must keep moving forward...
I myself can't not speak on your situation personally. But I do know family friends whom have been in similar situations and eventually things brightened up for them.
But you can't lose hope....

And if I may, I obviously don't know what the IRS is sending you as far as the letters or anything. But I have experience with the IRS, and I strongly suggest you call them (1-800-829-1040) and explain your financial hardship. They have something called currently not collectable or CNC and it may stop them from bothering you as much. It will not make your balance go away, it kind of puts a suspended status on the balance. It will still exist and accrue penalty and interest, and if you happen to file and get a refund it would be applied towards that balance. But like I said they won't bother you as they have been as you said and it will stop them from levying any accounts you currently or in the future may have....

I know you don't want a tax lesson lol but just some friendly advice from someone who has knowledge on the subject...

And again, please don't dive up! Keep going, if not for yourself for your son and possible future grand babies!
Remember you only go through what you can handle. And even if you think you can't handle it, it's meant to make you stronger!

 

[jcairns82]

Oh chrispy93, your post made me so sad and caused many a flashbacks to come back towards me.

I recall, literally, being unable to get up off the ground before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I was 10 years old, lying on the ground, and being unable to physically move. It was late at night and I didn't want to disturb anybody, so I just kept trying to move to no avail. Finally, I sought out the help and got it. Thankfully, 20 odd years later and those kinds of incidents don't occur any more.

I know that this isn't your situation, but I do hope that you seek out the support that you require and that things do start to get better. One day at a time is how I try to take things.

 

[Chrispy93]

I appreciate you all taking the time to write a responce. My family would say i am strong and stubborn and they are affraid to approach me on certian topics that would upset me. I know they just want to know how i am doing or whats new but the problem is that nothing has changed since the last time they asked. so i get frustrated. And thats part of the problem too, is that i have always been known as strong and independant. It's probably hard for them to understand something they can't actually see. When they do see me it's for an occasion so i put my best face on and push it out. I can push through a one time commitment like a birthday or christmas but to commit to being available 20 hours a week seems terrifing. I feel like i am not able to keep fighting, like i am done, i'm cooked. I don't want to be this person. I need to figure this out. But that means figuring out how to live with myself and be happy. I do get moments of clairity remembering who i used to be and that she's still in there. Negativity always wins. I have been waiting for life to just work itself out; that things happen for a reason and this will all work out somehow. Well, nothing's hapening. I've let go. I believe in mind over matter and that if you want something done, do it yourself. My mind is destroying my matter. And my matter is destroying my mind. hummm, that was some good food for thought. i'll leave it there. thanks.

 

[Trellum]

Hi Chrispy93! I suffer from other health issues apart from fibro, so depression does get me... I feel a bit better since I've been watching and reading the works of Suzanne Powell. Her breathing exercises are great, and I'd recomend it to anyone having a hard time coping with negative thoughts. You can find all that for free on Youtube. Because being in the situation we are... is more than expected we have negative thoughts, that's normal! But I really recommend you that! Because over the years I've learnt your thoughts can either make you or break you!

 

[thupp06]

Have you thought about maybe an at home customer service position taking phone calls and such for companies.

My husband works full time out of the home and I'm a stay at home mom and I have used this site for quite some time to earn a little extra cash here and there, not nearly enough to make a living out of it but there are some opportunities on there that I'm sure you might find useful and helpful in your ventures. I sincerely hope that things start looking up for you, the main thing to remember is to never give up hope.

 

[shattered]

Hi, crispy. Your words echo my feelings. It isn't easy to keep your chin up when the whole world seems like it is against you. I don't know if it will be of much comfort to know there are those of us in your corner rooting for you, but we are here.