it's too much, just too much....

[vickythecat]

I will use this post as therapy...I just have to because I have no other option.

5 weeks ago 2 newly born kittens were left in front of our building. People see that we take care of stray animals, and decide that taking away babies from their mothers and bringing them us is a good idea. (It is not, people, it is not). I had to feed them every 3 hours, poo/pee, in the heat of August.

1 week later I got sick, fever, aches, swollen neck. Could not go to my GP because it was a holiday week, all GP's were closed. And to go to the ER - no thanks. Lots of painkillers, rest, water...and hope for the best. My mom is worried about me, yet is also not taking care of me. I have to do everything on my own - incl. take care of the kittens, cook, clean. I am a little frustrated, angry as well. I need help, but I am all alone.

5 days later, GP is shocked to see my neck, orders blood tests, tells me it can be cancer, especially hearing that I lost 5 kilo/10 pounds. WTF right?

Next day, blood results show it is an infection, nothing to worry about, antibiotics. Why did she have to scare me like that?

Same day, my mom starts acting weird. Forgetful, agitated, stressed out. But I am too sick to concentrate on her, so I just let her sleep and take it easy. I cook, clean, take care of the cats etc.

That night, at 4 am, she wakes us up and the horrible roller coaster ride started. My mom lost the ability to talk, understand....so for weeks, we've been in and out of hospitals, ER's, tests, doctors, all during a heatwave, horrible traffic jams, power cuts at home, the kittens need feeding, the hospital does not know, doctors do not know, the bureaucracy, the stupidity of people, the laziness of people... I am still sick....my fibro decides to flare up of course. Extreme pain all over. And I mean all over.

But I have to go on. The system here requires someone to be with the patient. Thankfully my sister is there to help as well. But she also is the breadwinner, so needs to work of course. Finally back at home, I have to take care of my mother. Cook, clean, be her nurse, her carer, her physical therapist, her speech therapist etc. I don't mind, I am pretty good at these things, and I love my mom, BUT this fibro....this hell of fibro.......

In the meantime a mama cat got killed by a car, 2 kittens of hers died of sickness (I was on my way to the vet, rushing because I could not leave my mom alone at home for long, they died on the way).

And today, they started loud construction work in front of our house, the electricity lines were accidentally cut, the phones did not work, the road closed off...I am stressing out because I need all these things with a sick person at the house. I need the ambulance to be able come to my house in the worst case scenario. But these workers do not listen. They have no brains, no compassion, no understanding. ''No problem, don't worry.' they tell me!!!

And just now one of my tiny kittens died. I was going to bring her to the vet today. I'd been feeding/take care of her for 5 weeks, the orphan kitten. Had given her antibiotics, extra vitamins, she was getting better....but this morning she died. She had become my baby. I can't have a human baby, so these kittens become my baby. So I lost my baby today. I have to hide my tears, my pain, my loss, heart ache, because my mom needs to stay calm and stress-free. I have to smile, be happy around her....act like everything is fine. But nothing is fine.

It is just too much....too much......

 

[diamond]

Oh My vicky what a terrible terrible time..no wonder you needed to vent and reach out for support. As a cat and kitten lover i feel your pain....how utterly heartbreaking to loose one of your babies after nursing her for 5 weeks so lovingly and patiently and caring so wonderfully for your mom too.

And all this with Fibro snapping at your heels threatening to bring you to a heap.

You have done such an amazing job and i know are a born carer ... its is going to take you some time to grieve for your baby...i know i would be heartbroken.

Not least the other cat died from a car and 2 of her kittens died while you were rushing to save them....YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF!

I wish i could say something that would comfort you but only time will help heal such sadness and in the meantime you still have to care for your mom ...please if possible find time to care for yourself.

If i could choose a new friend i would choose you...i respect and admire your dedication to the people and animals you love so much.

 

[Tipnatee N]

Oh no Vickythecat. XOXO I wish I living next to you so I can help you lighten some loads or moaning about fibro together. It's not fair , it's so not fair at all with all the things that life throwing at you. That is too much. I understand your kittens are precious but at this point Would you considering letting them get adoption ? You can't take care of everything at this magnitude on your condition . I mean I had to ask someone else taking care of my cat at the moment cause I can't bring him with me at where I'm currently staying. It was the best possible choice for my cat at this moment too cause he get the best of care. You can list them up with pictures on places like adopt a pet website where you can receive email conversation with the one who wish to adopt and choose who ever you wish to give them to near your own location. Some people might even list with adoption fees for making sure all the shots and basic medical need before final adoption. Wouldn't that lighten your loads perhaps? My heart goes out to you please rant and moan as much as you need I'm listening .

 

[Marvis]

Hugs to you. That is so much to handle. You are being so brave and so strong to handle it all. Wish I could pop over and give you a hand. Know that your online friends are thinking of you.

 

[1sweed]

Just wondering you mentioned the cat & kittens were strays that you took in and began to care for shortly before you became sick and then later your mom became ill as well. Is it possible these cats had some sort of infection or illness that you and your mom contracted through caring for them. You might want your vet to check them out or their bodies as some infections that animals get are transformable to humans.
I have had doctor's scare me with thoughts of something terrible only to get a second opinion and find out it was nothing. Most doctors do not do this and the ones that do are usually out to make money by scaring you into asking for more tests or else they don't mind scaring patients when a few words of comfort might better serve. Hope your feeling better vickythecat.

 

[vickythecat]

Oh no Vickythecat. XOXO I wish I living next to you so I can help you lighten some loads or moaning about fibro together. It's not fair , it's so not fair at all with all the things that life throwing at you. That is too much. I understand your kittens are precious but at this point Would you considering letting them get adoption ? You can't take care of everything at this magnitude on your condition . I mean I had to ask someone else taking care of my cat at the moment cause I can't bring him with me at where I'm currently staying. It was the best possible choice for my cat at this moment too cause he get the best of care. You can list them up with pictures on places like adopt a pet website where you can receive email conversation with the one who wish to adopt and choose who ever you wish to give them to near your own location. Some people might even list with adoption fees for making sure all the shots and basic medical need before final adoption. Wouldn't that lighten your loads perhaps? My heart goes out to you please rant and moan as much as you need I'm listening .

Thanks for your kind words, your positive vibes and love - you are truly a wonderful person. Everyone on this forum is so so so amazing. Thanks to all, sorry if I do not mention you personally. But if you are reading this, YOU ARE AMAZING, thanks for being such a great human being.

About the cats - I wish I could get them adopted - but no one wants to adopt these stray cats, no matter how social/cute they are. There are so many strays in the country I live in. Just this year about 50 kittens were born on our street. I have done everything in my power to find them a home - went to vets' offices, hung up posters, used social media....nothing, this is sadly not an animal loving country. Another fact that breaks my heart.

People do not care - forget about adopting them, they don't even bring them to the vet when they see them sick. Or even give them food, not even their left-overs....Makes me so mad and sad....

 

[vickythecat]

Just wondering you mentioned the cat & kittens were strays that you took in and began to care for shortly before you became sick and then later your mom became ill as well. Is it possible these cats had some sort of infection or illness that you and your mom contracted through caring for them. You might want your vet to check them out or their bodies as some infections that animals get are transformable to humans.
I have had doctor's scare me with thoughts of something terrible only to get a second opinion and find out it was nothing. Most doctors do not do this and the ones that do are usually out to make money by scaring you into asking for more tests or else they don't mind scaring patients when a few words of comfort might better serve. Hope your feeling better vickythecat.

Thanks for your post, I completely understand it as well.

I've been living in this country for more than a decade and have thus been taking care of stray animals from day one, and from day one, I knew I had to be careful. These stray cats and kittens do not live inside the house, but on our 1st floor open balcony, but of course they are out in the streets, can/do carry diseases etc.

In fact, when I got ill a month ago, this was the first thing that came to my mind, but dismissed it because I always, always use antiseptic stuff for scratches, wash my hands 50 times a day, use antibacterial stuff all over the stuff etc. But for my mom, who can be less of a clean-freak, I did fear it might be cat scratch disease or even rabies, and in the ER with my mom, we told all the doctors about our animal situation as well. Thankfully they were able to do all the expensive tests for free as it was an acute emergency situation (I could not have them done myself, but am fine now, so problems solved ) All tests came back negative (huge relief for us and the animals )

But of course, hygiene has to stay our top priority for us all (I have 2 indoor cats as well). As well as the monitoring of the cats. I am now in touch with a volunteer vet, who will hopefully soon come by for a general check up. It all adds to the stress, and the pain/fatigue, but it is what it is. And the love I get from these animals is worth it. I can't just let them die of hunger or sickness....there is simply no one else who cares for them. Heartless people.... (and they are all very rich as well)

never mind me, back to venting again.
But thanks again.

Thanks to all.....

 

[Tipnatee N]

Omg that's so heartbreaking!! What you said about the cat not being love in your country should be address back to the social media across the globe. There are so many countries that loving cat so much I can't help but envious their life style. Maybe someone with enough money and compassion to fly them around might desire them ( or even just a wishful thinking) if not , putting their full stories out there and how you really feel might do some difference. That's my brain thinking but don't overly excursions your health please I'm worry about your so much.

 

[diamond]

You are just the kindest vicky.. i love cats and kittens but im not sure i could do what you do with so many...not with fibro....im so glad you get back though...animals are so non judgemental...they just want food warmth and a cuddle..maybe a bit of play time and attention...and they love us..we become their mothers.

Humans on the other hand what us to be fun fun fun..not complain about our pain and fatigue and to have normal conversations about things that to us become minor and rather petty....oh yes and to help them when they have a crisis which ofcourse is always way more serious than what we cope with everyday...lol think i am being a bit naughty here!

I was always a care taker of people and happily and naturally so..others find it hard to accept i am just not that person now yet i still feel guilty when i cant do what is expected of me...it even gives me nightmares lately with family stuff going on and i know i am a disappointment because of my illness and all my feelings of failure and the pressure comes out in these bad dreams.

You have done amazingly to care for your mother too..my mum has dementia that progressing and im so worried what will happen to her if my Dad who is also pretty old cant manage anymore.

They are looking to me to step in but i can barely care for myself ...getting a shower and my meals in an achievement.

Oh yes and like you mentioned in another post...what do we do? I used to work in a senior position ....now..im a professional pyjama wearer! LOL.. Not sure that's going to impress anyone so i do keep myself to myself.

 

[vickythecat]

Omg that's so heartbreaking!! What you said about the cat not being love in your country should be address back to the social media across the globe. There are so many countries that loving cat so much I can't help but envious their life style. Maybe someone with enough money and compassion to fly them around might desire them ( or even just a wishful thinking) if not , putting their full stories out there and how you really feel might do some difference. That's my brain thinking but don't overly excursions your health please I'm worry about your so much.

This is my hope as well - but it costs so much energy and social interaction. With my anxiety levels, it becomes even more difficult. That said, I did get 2 of my stray cats adopted by a diplomat. They will soon fly away to another country and hopefully lead a luxurious, pampered life. I wish them the best because they are awesome beings!!!!

(before that I worked for a charity that rescued strays dogs and re-homed them in European countries. A few times I flew with these dogs to bring them to their new families, and to see them come out their kennel to be welcomed by their new, warm, friendly, loving families was so the most amazing feeling ever. Sadly the costs were enormous, so the charity had to stop)

 

[vickythecat]

I was always a care taker of people and happily and naturally so..others find it hard to accept i am just not that person now yet i still feel guilty when i cant do what is expected of me...it even gives me nightmares lately with family stuff going on and i know i am a disappointment because of my illness and all my feelings of failure and the pressure comes out in these bad dreams.

You have done amazingly to care for your mother too..my mum has dementia that progressing and im so worried what will happen to her if my Dad who is also pretty old cant manage anymore.

They are looking to me to step in but i can barely care for myself ...getting a shower and my meals in an achievement.

Oh yes and like you mentioned in another post...what do we do? I used to work in a senior position ....now..im a professional pyjama wearer! LOL.. Not sure that's going to impress anyone so i do keep myself to myself.

We seem to have so much in common - my mom has also been diagnosed with vascular dementia this week. We'll surely get a second opinion, but I had been suspecting something was off for sometime, so it does make sense. It is a whole new level of reality. And I live with her, so I am automatically her caretaker. She knows I suffer from fibro, so she knows I need to take my time, that mornings are the worst etc., but the outside pressure is unbelievable. Being a caretaker is tough on the healthiest of beings. Add mental illness (especially social anxiety) and fibro into the equation...I don't know how I will make it through. I really don't.

But please do not ever think you are a disappointment to your family. You did not want to have fibro, you surely did not want to have the worst kind of fibro...we never ever asked for this and we surely NEVER ever deserved it.

I think just being there, not necessarily physically, as much as we can, we can prove these people that we are still the caring, loving people we always were. This can be simple things like a message, a card, a phone call or online gifts (I send my aunt flowers twice a year since I am not able to visit her as often as I used to)

 

[diamond]

We do indeed have much in common vicky...i had an elderly relative who sadly died after having a stroke so severe she could barely mumble and she was bed bound ..unable to speak on the telephone to even us her closest family and had carers come in for washing and meals etc.

I didn't live very close to her but used to send cards frequently because she could still read a little and i knew the carers could read my messages and letters telling her how much i loved and missed her.

It was such a sad ending to her life and it was the only thing i could do to let her know she was always in my thoughts and heart.

Its rather different with my parents too personal to go into on a forum but my father gets upset and tells me i am young and ok and does not accept there is anything wrong with me and that they need my help.

I cant imagine how you are coping becoming a full time carer with fibro and your anxiety ...i hope you can get some time for yourself and to take care of yourself.

 

[Tipnatee N]

Vickythecat . Have you ever watch the tv show call my cat from hell? I think I saw the episode where he went to help cat in another countries I wonder if you could contact him about this. Another episode that I remember also mentioning cat that suffering from FHS ( feline hyperesthesia syndrome) which is pretty much fibromyalgia for cat. Maybe in the other way around I might get to see you on one of his oversea episode .

 

[vickythecat]

We do indeed have much in common vicky...i had an elderly relative who sadly died after having a stroke so severe she could barely mumble and she was bed bound ..unable to speak on the telephone to even us her closest family and had carers come in for washing and meals etc.

I didn't live very close to her but used to send cards frequently because she could still read a little and i knew the carers could read my messages and letters telling her how much i loved and missed her.

It was such a sad ending to her life and it was the only thing i could do to let her know she was always in my thoughts and heart.

Its rather different with my parents too personal to go into on a forum but my father gets upset and tells me i am young and ok and does not accept there is anything wrong with me and that they need my help.

I cant imagine how you are coping becoming a full time carer with fibro and your anxiety ...i hope you can get some time for yourself and to take care of yourself.

I am 100% your relative really appreciated the cards you sent her. My aunt mentions my cards and flowers to all family members, which makes me feel reassured and happy. If I can't be there for her physically (she used to love my cooking and baking), I can always be there in spirit and positive energy.

I am sorry about the situation with your dad. Family members....I suppose they also have a hard time accepting our reality. Maybe because we are their children (like the idea of 'their daughter being sick' is one that they refuse to accept) or like most parents do, they simply have a very high expectation of us.

This morning I could hardly get out of bed, my sister was at home, so I knew she could take care of my mom. I got up at 12 and my sister said 'feeling totally refreshed?'. I got so upset...I've tried telling her so often that sleep does not refresh me. And that I have really bad fibro days, but this was proof that she does not get it. She probably thought I was being lazy. She can't understand the fact that no amount of sleep has ever made me feel refreshed/rested. It hurts and is frustrating.....especially coming from family members.

But let's stay positive...toe wiggles wiggles wiggles )))

 

[vickythecat]

Vickythecat . Have you ever watch the tv show call my cat from hell? I think I saw the episode where he went to help cat in another countries I wonder if you could contact him about this. Another episode that I remember also mentioning cat that suffering from FHS ( feline hyperesthesia syndrome) which is pretty much fibromyalgia for cat. Maybe in the other way around I might get to see you on one of his oversea episode .

Yeah, I know that show. Have followed his tips and tricks many times! It is a great idea to contact him indeed. I will definitely look into it, thanks!!!!

feline hyperesthesia syndrome - wow, had never heard of it and it really saddened me. I wouldn't want my angels to go through something similar to fibro....