Helping my mum.

[Lee6588]

Hi everyone,new to this site so sorry if I get anything wrong.

I am here because 12 months ago my mum was diagnosed with fibro.

My mum has always been the strong one,she brought up 4 boys single handed and never once complained,she really is my hero.

Since she was diagnosed,I am finding it hard to watch her go through this,the pain,the sleeping A LOT and the fact she is now on anti depressants.

I just want to know if there is anything I can do to help her in any way,any thing no matter how big or small?

It is breaking my heart that I cannot make this go away for her,I am the fixer and I always come good...except this time.
This time I can do nothing so if you have any suggestions please tell me,I am desperate to help her in any way possible.

Thank you for reading.
Hope you are all staying safe and well

Lee.

 

[sunkacola]

Hi Lee. Your mom is lucky to have someone who cares and is as supportive as you are! Many of us would love to have such a person in our lives.

I would suggest you read my post on advice for managing FM at the top of the general forum, and see how much of that you can help your mom implement into her life.

That is one thing. but also important is simply being there for her. Let her know you are there to listen and to help, but you don't want to pry or interfere. sometimes a person wants to do things herself, other times she would benefit from having you bring her food and clean the house for her because she isn't able to do those things.

Sometimes a person who is depressed can benefit from just talking to someone who doesn't offer advice, or try to fix things, but just listens and acknowledges what that person is going through. Remember that you cannot actually fix this, and at times a person who is a fixer at heart tries to do too much, and only ends up frustrated, so do your best to avoid that.

Everyone is different, and you know your Mom. Some welcome all the help they can get all the time. For me personally, because I have always been strong and independent most of the time I really don't want anyone to give me advice or to try to fix me (unless it's a doctor who has a good new idea), because they cannot fix me and it can become a burden to me that they keep trying to. I don't want to talk about it all the time or have to answer questions when I'd rather just do my best to go about my life. I do want support and encouragement and to know that there is someone there who cares and will do what they can when I ask for help. You might want to give that some thought with regard to who your Mom is, and how she is most likely to view her current position relative to you and let that guide what you do and how much.

 

[Lee6588]

sunkacola thank you so much for you're reply.​

I suppose it is obvious really but I have not put myself in her shoes and properly thought about it.
I am probably far to protective and just want to fix things so bad I have not thought about it like that.

Up until she was diagnosed I had never known any one with fibromyalgia so it came as a bit of a shock.

She is also fiercely independent (probably where I get it from,irony at it finest) and never complains,even when I can see right through the smile and see the pain.

It is such a terrible illness and I wish I could take it off her and have it myself.

I will read through you're post and take in as much as I can,to try and gain any knowledge I can to make things easier and more comfortable.

Thank you very much and I hope you are staying safe and well during these uncertain times.

Lee.

 

[CalgaryChris3]

Hi Lee,
I wanted to reply and tell you want an amazing child you are! I have three boys and I have never been even asked how I feel. My husband is my hero though... and don’t get me wrong my boys are wonderful too, but they are in their own worlds. But, you just being there for your mom is the best thing you can do. Ask her what she needs to get done in a day and try and take a few things off her plate. Even if it is a simple as doing the dishes. I have come home from work and one of my kids did the dishes and I burst into tears because I was so grateful. And just as the other reply stated, listening to her when she needs to talk is huge. There is a lot of information online but I find talking to other fibromites very helpful. Please keep posting and show your mom what you wrote... I guarantee she will love you for it. If you have any questions please log in again and we will be here for you and your mom.
Gentle Hugs,
Chris

 

[Forgetmenot]

Hi Lee,awww what a sweetheart you are ,this is a life long condition so the best thing you can give her is support ,and if you really just have to do something physical ,maybe get the house work done or cooking dinner.now I no this don’t sound much.but trust me , when you hurt to much to do anything,some days this is the best thing someone can do for you.
My daughter has just been diagnosed and even though this break my heart ,for once someone in my family understands what pain I’m in,
Never easy when your surrounded with healthy people .xxx

 

[Lee6588]

Thank you both very much,that is very kind of you to say.

I will take it all on board and as soon as I can see her properly (I do not live with her) I will have my sleeves rolled up and get my domestic god brain screwed in.

My mum is a warrior,which is why it has shaken me quite a bit.
She fought hard single handedly some times working 3 jobs to bring me and my 3 brothers up,never complaining once.
She gave us the best childhood always putting herself last,so to see her some days unable to get out of bed is very hard to watch.

I am currently in the process of buying her rented bungalow as a surprise so she can slow down at work, (she does not know or she would go nuts that I was spending even 1p on her,she is extremely proud)
I will do what ever it takes to help her have a more comfortable life.
Even if that means slapping myself and accepting I cannot make this go away.

I hope you are both at the best you can possibly be,fibro permitting.
From my family to yours,I am sending you both best wishes.

Lee x

 

[sunkacola]

Hi Lee, Since your mom is a warrior used to doing everything herself ( a description I think would apply to me as well), may I make one more suggestion?

I think that if someone came over to my house and made any kind of solicitous deal, big or small, about helping me because I was laid low and couldn't do it, I might resent it a bit just because of the implied attitude, and might fight it and say I can take care of myself. But if they showed up for a visit, and then very casually at some point just set about doing something, saying something offhand like "oh, I just want to do a bit while I am here" it would go over better. Not sure if this makes sense, and I am probably not saying it well. If a person arrived and sort of said "you can't do all these things any more so I am going to help you" it would feel less appealing than if they just started doing the dishes without comment, and sort of blew it off as nothing if I made a comment on it. Acting as if it's something you'd do for anyone you were visiting, not out of pity for her. Hope this makes sense.

Buying her house is a wonderful idea. Good for you.

 

[Forgetmenot]

Hay sun.I wasn’t implying that she should run over and point out what her mum can’t do. They just seem a close family ,like mine. I often go about helping my daughter if I can.and vice verser .now if someone I didn’t know popped in and said that I’d be very annoyed. Corse I’m sure she knows the best way around her mum.

 

[Lee6588]

Hey forgetmenot

I totally get you,honestly she would probably give me a good slap if I tried to go about it that way.
She still insists on making dinner with enough for me to take home the next day and I am 32 lol.

I know at times I am probably overbearing with her and since speaking on here I have tried to tone it down a bit.
She wouldn't even let me do the shopping for her till recently (she lives in middle of nowhere with no shops in the village) and that took me 3 attempts of just dropping little bits off before she finally asked me if I would get her bits once a week

I wish I could do more right now,but I am too afraid of going in the house with covid so just leave stuff at the door and have a coffee through the window.

I just have this habit of going in full steam and fixing everything,which ironically I get from her lol.

I am trying to learn though and all this sort of information and suggestions really are helping,so thank you.

I hope you are staying safe and well?

Lee x

 

[Sabina]

The only way I've been able to manage my fibro symptoms is by using natural remedies, adapting a plant-based diet (the Mediterranean Diet), & supplements. Yoga helps me a lot as does walking. There are many, many good books out there on Amazon and at the library. These books helped me understand & get myself in better shape. Is your mom open to such lifestyle changes?
I also recently got my medical marijuana license and take a low dose daily that is blended with CBD. I feel like a new person after adding this to my daily routine. I take it one hour before bedtime & I sleep well and wake up without pain.

Wishing you and your mom the best!