Feeling unsupported

[Quatro82]

Hi all, I hope you're all well (or as well as you can be). I'm new to this forum, and just been having a browse through. I hope you don't mind me joining and firing straight in with a moan post. I promise it's not my usual style. It occurred to me today though that I have nobody I can really talk freely to about my situation, although I am on a few fb and other support groups. There are people in those groups that I know in real life who I wouldn't be comfortable discussing my personal life with - does that make sense? Sometimes it would just be nice to have a vent without the worry of there potentially being judgement of me (or my husband). What I mean is, I don't particularly want anyone to think badly of him, as my feelings are as much about my lack of independence and of being a burden as it is about him being unsupportive.

So anyway, here's my 'vent'...I don't often let the fibro get to me, but it's tricky some days not to, as I'm sure you all know. Today is more about the feeling of being a burden, the loss of independence, which is hard to bear considering the person I used to be. So this is the current situation in my household. My husband enjoys golf. He's got himself a membership recently and has started going out more regularly (up to 5 times this week) but he doesn't understand why I'm upset about it. He also often goes with my dad and BIL so feels it's justified more so. I don't and would never begrudge him his recreational time. However, tonight for example...he knew I was working late, and that I'm in a lot of pain (it's a stressful time of year in my job) but arranged to go out golfing straight after picking me up from work. So I was left at my mums in agony and would need to carry the baby to the car and then into the house myself and then prepare dinner for me and the kids, yet he went out anyway in the end I had to ask my son (11) to carry my 3yo so I could drive home.

I can't get through to him that when it's tough days like this, he may need to give his hobby a miss and just take some responsibility for his family instead. I want to say he's great most of the time but he doesn't seem to grasp the illness I have. He tries though and I don't ask him for much more than that! Lately, though, he seems to have become so wrapped up with his hobby it's like we're second fiddle to it. And the independent streak in me is to proud to outright tell him that I need him to help me.

Sorry for the moan post, I just needed to say it somewhere as it's weighing heavy on me I don't know that I'm asking for advice or anything, just needed to get it off my chest.

 

[Sagey]

Hi Quatro82,

Welcome to the forum,It's so hard to have Fibromyalgia and have young children.
The pain and fatigue can make it hard to care for them on a daily basis.I understand you don't want to complain to your husband because it just might cause more friction.

I think if you sit down in a quiet place with him and calmly communicate to him that you love him,and u want him to have his fun whenever he feels like it, but when you are in that much pain,your not able to care for the kids,and you need his help.Tell him you never wanted to be a burden,and it hurts u that you were so active in the past.

Sometimes men do this to get away from the stress of the situation.But they need to know that this illness is not easy to live with,and you need him to understand your feelings.
And you need him to be there,when you're down.

At least u vented!
Men just don't get it sometimes.Instead of trying to grab us! lol maybe they can get us our meds, help with cooking,rub our backs for more then 30 seconds!lol.

 

[Quatro82]

Hi Sagey,

Thankyou for your response. I do need to speak with him, you're absolutely right. Pride gets in my way but it's not resolving anything is it. Tuesday is my long day so I'm just home and exhausted but at least the house isn't like a demolition site. He's even done some laundry!

I'll have a chat with him tomorrow and hopefully get across what you've said. You have hit the nail on the head in terms of his responsibilities. It's not like he can't ever go golfing. Just some days it would be nice if he could compromise. He's a stubborn man though...wish me luck!

 

[sunkacola]

Hey, I get being too proud to ask him to help. I am very independent and have always had a very hard time ever asking for help from anyone. But if you don't communicate to your spouse what you need, there really is no way for him to know.
I hope your talk with him goes well.

 

[Peaceandquiet]

I'm in a situation also where I don't want to be disrespectful to men or husbands but.....yes, but......they are different from us. What I do know as an older woman is that they require very straight forward simple explanations where we as women like lots of detail to get the full picture. Therefore we must state our case to them pleasantly and clearly and move on in conversation, lest they become bored and miss the point. I get much better response from my husband since I adopted this method.
Oh, yes....golf can be like an addiction to those with the passion and it's wonderful to see them go out and enjoy themselves but like any addiction they should be encouraged to see how it affects others and never neglect their loved ones needs.
Good luck with raising children while you are struggling with this illness. It is a very hard job for even the healthiest of people.

 

[Quatro82]

Hey, I get being too proud to ask him to help. I am very independent and have always had a very hard time ever asking for help from anyone. But if you don't communicate to your spouse what you need, there really is no way for him to know.
I hope your talk with him goes well.

You're absolutely right @sunkacola. I had a chat with him and as much as he didn't feel like he's done anything wrong he did recognise that I do need help from time to time xx

 

[Quatro82]

I'm in a situation also where I don't want to be disrespectful to men or husbands but.....yes, but......they are different from us. What I do know as an older woman is that they require very straight forward simple explanations where we as women like lots of detail to get the full picture. Therefore we must state our case to them pleasantly and clearly and move on in conversation, lest they become bored and miss the point. I get much better response from my husband since I adopted this method.
Oh, yes....golf can be like an addiction to those with the passion and it's wonderful to see them go out and enjoy themselves but like any addiction they should be encouraged to see how it affects others and never neglect their loved ones needs.
Good luck with raising children while you are struggling with this illness. It is a very hard job for even the healthiest of people.

Thankyou for your kind message @peaceandquiet. I agree, and will attempt your approach. My DH is a quiet sort so likes straight to the point.

 

[diamond]

Men in general are not natural carers and can be quite self absorbed....yes its good he has a hobby but really family and your health should come first!

I think you are doing amazingly well raising your children and working with fibro..big respect from me and sorry but a little less for hubby playing golf 5 days a week!

Hopefully after your chat he will start to help out with home life and the children a little more.

I know if the roles were reversed most of us women would instinctively put our spouse and home life way before a hobby....lol sorry if i am not quite as sympathetic as others.

Peaceandquiet you have a great understanding of men..they switch off with all the detail and sometimes cant even see they are being inconsiderate at all!

 

[sunkacola]

You're absolutely right @sunkacola. I had a chat with him and as much as he didn't feel like he's done anything wrong he did recognise that I do need help from time to time xx

My experience is that men in general never, ever want to recognize that they could have done anything wrong. They generally also will never want to say that they are sorry. It is as if they think that saying two words> "I'm sorry" costs them something, or else makes them less of a man. This is pathetic because of course, the exact opposite is the truth.

The men I have admired in my life....an d there have been very few....were all willing to say that they were sorry. Saying "I;m sorry" is not an admission of having even done anything wrong, especially not on purpose. Many men seem to think that if they didn't mean any harm, they don't have to apologize. Again, as if they think it would take something from them.

My feeling is this: If someone is hurt, then you say "I'm sorry". Doesn't matter if you meant it or not, someone got hurt, so if you dive a damn then you say you are sorry. Pretty simple. Costs nothing. Gains a great deal of good will.

In my experience, most men have such fragile little baby egos that they can't do that.
And most men are so selfish and self-absorbed that they don't really care about anything but themselves.

 

[medicmurphy]

On a bright note, some men are great! Thankfully I have a good man in my life who is supportive. He makes it his business to come to my Dr appt, asks questions of the Dr, and gives me a listening ear. He admits he has no clue what I'm going through, however, he's able to empathize. What I have learned through life is, not everyone is able to empathize. This does not mean they are unsympathetic or disinterested. It means they can not understand our plight. Sometimes we can find ourselves impatient with our loved ones and friends because we don't get the reaction we want from them. They may not have a clue what to do. They can't remove our pain, they can't fix it, and simply put, they may not know what to say. Just as we get tired of the daily grind of FM or CF, I'm sure they do too. Doesn't make them bad friends or family.

Men don't approach illness with same nurturing women do. What they want to do is solve the problem then fix it. It must be hard for them to see their women hurting and they can do nothing about it. If you want your man to do something then politely ask. A big problem us women have is we expect our men to figure it out on their own. Well, sadly they don't always. Again, this does not always mean they're insensitive to our needs. They don't pay attention in the way we do. If you want the living room hoovered, then ask. If you want the children bathed, then assign him the task. My husband and I laugh when I ask him what he's thinking and his answer is "nothing". It's true, he really is sitting in his lounge chair thinking of nothing. Now we women never stop thinking lol.

Just as we would like our family and friends to understand as much as possible what we live with daily, it is a good suggestion to walk in their sandals and attempt to understand what they go through watching their loved one hurt and there is nothing they can do to fix it. Please know that some living with a chronic condition lose friends along the way. This does happen and it's extremely sad. Our world can shrink in size and we can find ourselves watching others live their lives while ours is fractured. For myself I work hard at keeping positive, I've learned to ask for help when needed, along with understanding what others in our world deal with. Being a care giver is exhausting and takes a toll.

A suggestion that was given me many years ago was to gather my family around me and educate them on what Fibro is, what it does, and how we can all work together to manage it. If you haven't, try this approach. Invite your man to go to the odd Dr appt. and by all means, don't unintentionally give him the impression to "can do it all". None of us can.

 

[diamond]

Just an aside i have tried to educate my family a little but they still seem to want to deny my condition to any real extent..its as if they mught temporarily 'hear' the explanation but then next time you speak its completely forgotten. I dont mean for sympathy i mean if i am speaking on the phone and sound normal they instantly talk in away and with comments that prove they think my day to day life is pretty normal.

If ihave mentioned i managed to get something done and was thrilled about it..like cleaning the kitchen thoroughly to my friend if im in bed next time she calls she says oh but you were getting better and sounds confused as if doing something once means i was in some sort of recovery.

I guess its because no matter how well you explain fibro being a rollercoaster people still cant get the idea of some kind of muscle injury that eventually gets better out of their level of understanding of causing pain and if you can use your body one day why not the next.

I have to say i would probably struggle to understand if i didnt actually have the illness and lets face it most people do have low tolerance for other peoples ailments..only really your spouse is fully affected and maybe young children.

My partner has been a mixture of very kind mostly and down right very very hurtful at times.

 

[Marika dimi]

Hang in there I feel what your saying totally. I don't have a husband I actually came to live with my parents at the age of 40 last year. I honestly wish others who don't have fibro could live in our bodies for a couple of days to feel the ups and downs and pain that comes out of nowhere!! my parents say they understand and try to support me but the last couple of months its been hard. I n not so many words they have said they are tired of hearing about my aches and pains and if I don't have anything positive to say than basically don't say anything. I don't know if your husband has read any literature on fibro and how it effects the body, that might help. I honestly give you so much credit I don't know how people cope who have young ones. I think that it is a good thing that you are venting go for it! and don't be sorry. I hope your situation gets better ,I don't know you personally but I will always be here to listen its a win win I think, because it helps me too. Stay positive

 

[diamond]

Yes do stay here and join in Quatro82...you would be an asset to the forum..fresh people sharing the same problems we all have and all your other experiences with fibro will be valued and appreciated and maybe that will help you knowing you are helping others.

I cant imagine bringing up a family with fibro..others on here are too....lol its all i can do to look after myself and my own home and need help with heavy chores so be proud of yourself...i don't know you but i'm proud of you!

Best Wishes

 

[Quatro82]

Thanks so much all for your kind words and a bit of well needed insight into the male mind ��

Things have been much better since I straightforward explained what I needed from him. Your advice has been invaluable and I feel so much better knowing that it's not just me being unreasonable and other people 'get it'.

I am incredibly lucky in that my DS is nearly 12 and acts almost like another parent to my DD (almost 3). They're also quite understanding when I'm having a flare and try their best to help