What's lurking in me there is having been at work, going back in baby steps in a month, and knowing there are 100s of people gonna be looking and thinking & asking: "What is *that? - that can't be real!" About a colleague who has been diagnosed FMS+CFS, I've been told that colleagues have said she just needs to lose weight and get a more positive attitude. (She's trying to manage working half.) Now I seem to be jumping to the rescue, vindicating her reputation,
Jay.....here's the first thing to remember: You don't need to justify yourself to anyone, ever.
Most of the time people think they are trying to be helpful when they ask and ask and make suggestions tell stories and so on. But while some genuinely want to help, my experience has shown me that most people are only curious and want to get you talking about it to satisfy their own curiosity.
Second thing to remember is this: I am not on this earth to satisfy your curiosity!
Now, of course, I am polite about this. But the reason I know most people don't really want to help but are only trying to satisfy themselves is that when I kindly and calmly and Very Politely say, "I know you are trying to help, and I appreciate that. But really the most helpful thing would be just not to make me talk about this. I have tried many things, and continue to, but for now I'd just rather not talk about it. The most helpful thing you can do is just treat me normally", ........most people get huffy and offended.
Now, if they Really wanted to help, they'd just back off the questions and comments and let me be and treat me normally. The ones who genuinely care or want to help do exactly that, but they are greatly in the minority.
My way is if someone actually challenges me on anything to do with my FM, I just blow them off. I Do Not defend myself! I just say something like, "Well, thanks for your opinion. Now I am walking away." and I walk away. I simply will not engage in that kind of BS with people. It saps my limited energy and is stressful and I won't allow it into my mind and body. There's no need to. It's not my problem and I don't allow it to become so.
If you want to jump to someone else's defense, of course do so. But be aware of what it is costing you to do it. And it might be better to empower your friend by coaching that person in how to deflect and dismiss inappropriate comments for herself.