children, husband, family and holidays STRESS oh my

[notsogrimreaper]

I am literally at my whit's end... my husband (whom i love dearly and is great most of the time) has decided my 2 girls still living with me(21, 22 years old) need to become more responsible and pay rent. $100 each per month. The younger one is in college full time works when she can has her own health issues we are currently trying to get diagnosed pays her own car and insurance, the older works full time pays car and insurance has multiple anxiety issues and a lot of debt. I am put in the middle while i agree they should/need to pay rent i feel we should wait till they are more stable, he on the other hand feels if we don't push them, they will never be able to survive leaving home ever. We will be selling the house and moving to Florida without the girls when my father in law passes, who isn't in great health. My father in law ( mean old guy) whom we live with finds issues with everything I or the girls do, from cooking a meal to taking showers, complains all the time making me and my girls feel un welcome. We agreed to move in with him to help out when my hubby's mom died, if I knew then what I know now it would never have happened. My girls feel rent is un fair being they aren't even allowed to have their boy friends over ( my hubby hates both of them and refuses to have them in the house) and don't want to /cant pay. not to mention his father said absolutely no sleep overs ever. Meanwhile I'm put in the middle with all the fighting, and stress and still trying to work full time. My whole body is killing me and now every time I eat I'm nauseous. I don't really need advise guess I am just venting. All this with the holidays I am literally about to run away from the whole mess.

 

[Keedie]

I’m so sorry that you’re finding things so stressful and I hope the issues settle soon. Maybe $100 between them would be a compromise and would take the pressure off you. I hope you don’t have a bad flare due to the stress. x

 

[Jemima]

I am literally at my whit's end... my husband (whom i love dearly and is great most of the time) has decided my 2 girls still living with me(21, 22 years old) need to become more responsible and pay rent. $100 each per month. The younger one is in college full time works when she can has her own health issues we are currently trying to get diagnosed pays her own car and insurance, the older works full time pays car and insurance has multiple anxiety issues and a lot of debt. I am put in the middle while i agree they should/need to pay rent i feel we should wait till they are more stable, he on the other hand feels if we don't push them, they will never be able to survive leaving home ever. We will be selling the house and moving to Florida without the girls when my father in law passes, who isn't in great health. My father in law ( mean old guy) whom we live with finds issues with everything I or the girls do, from cooking a meal to taking showers, complains all the time making me and my girls feel un welcome. We agreed to move in with him to help out when my hubby's mom died, if I knew then what I know now it would never have happened. My girls feel rent is un fair being they aren't even allowed to have their boy friends over ( my hubby hates both of them and refuses to have them in the house) and don't want to /cant pay. not to mention his father said absolutely no sleep overs ever. Meanwhile I'm put in the middle with all the fighting, and stress and still trying to work full time. My whole body is killing me and now every time I eat I'm nauseous. I don't really need advise guess I am just venting. All this with the holidays I am literally about to run away from the whole mess.

Hi notsogrimreaper,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like the exact kind of scenario that will exacerbate fibro symptoms, and that makes being a decision maker so much harder.

I know you said you don't need advice, and I also know by now that you're a wise soul so will find your way through this - but one thought did strike me.

Living with your father in law is a less than ideal scenario for all of you, and while I get you sharing your kids' perspective that them paying for a situation that they don't love feels unfair, the reality is that you all have to share the burden together until you're on the other side of it. Is it possible that you're keeping more than your share of that burden on your own shoulders, in order to protect the ones you love, when actually you deserve support and understanding too?

Of course, this is a personal choice and most parents want to do everything in their power for their kids. But don't sacrifice only your wellbeing when you can work through challenges as a team. I think so many of us with fibro are inclined to dump prioritising our own needs as a first instinct. Don't forget your value as you figure out what to do

 

[nikkozoo]

I am literally at my whit's end... my husband (whom i love dearly and is great most of the time) has decided my 2 girls still living with me(21, 22 years old) need to become more responsible and pay rent. $100 each per month. The younger one is in college full time works when she can has her own health issues we are currently trying to get diagnosed pays her own car and insurance, the older works full time pays car and insurance has multiple anxiety issues and a lot of debt. I am put in the middle while i agree they should/need to pay rent i feel we should wait till they are more stable, he on the other hand feels if we don't push them, they will never be able to survive leaving home ever. We will be selling the house and moving to Florida without the girls when my father in law passes, who isn't in great health. My father in law ( mean old guy) whom we live with finds issues with everything I or the girls do, from cooking a meal to taking showers, complains all the time making me and my girls feel un welcome. We agreed to move in with him to help out when my hubby's mom died, if I knew then what I know now it would never have happened. My girls feel rent is un fair being they aren't even allowed to have their boy friends over ( my hubby hates both of them and refuses to have them in the house) and don't want to /cant pay. not to mention his father said absolutely no sleep overs ever. Meanwhile I'm put in the middle with all the fighting, and stress and still trying to work full time. My whole body is killing me and now every time I eat I'm nauseous. I don't really need advise guess I am just venting. All this with the holidays I am literally about to run away from the whole mess.

It sounds like although your children both have some medical/emotional issues of their own, they are functioning (school/working) and trying to get through it, they are still rather young. With fibromyalgia, we both know that any additional stress causes flares. They have the prospect of being homeless at any point hanging over their heads (you plan on moving without them) and now the stress of rent to cope with. You say you are at your wit's end, where are they? I fully empathize with your struggle, I've lived this for 30 years. I have a 29 year old daughter living at home who works from home (computer whiz) with medical issues. I have never even considered her moving out, she doesn't earn enough to live on her own and requires emotional support. I've never asked her to pay rent. She pays for her own phone, health insurance, etc.. She also contributes monthly (voluntarily, never was asked) to certain bills and car insurance as well as paying for car repairs, tires, etc.. She does a lot of the maintenance in the house (husband is useless) and I make sure (even though it stresses me) that she isn't subjected to unfair demands (again, husband). When sweeping got to hard for me, she bought me a roomba. When I was having a bad day before Christmas, my son came over and the two of them baked 6 dozen cookies, cleaned and did all of my laundry. Talk to each other, listen to each other's concerns and issues, really understand and see that person, try to put yourself in their shoes. No one will have to ask for support then, it will be freely given. Everyone has problems and fears. It's easy to see that when you are in constant pain yourself. I hope that you can all work things out so that everyone gets the help and support that they need.

 

[notsogrimreaper]

UPDATE: My hubby all on his own came around and decided rent was not necessary at this time and is now telling the girls to just help out more around the house. until they are more on their feet. so for now things are on a level keel for a bit until the next stress. As far as homeless the girls will never be as they have 2 older sisters who will gladly take them in, and have offered multiple times for them to move in with them.

 

[Jemima]

UPDATE: My hubby all on his own came around and decided rent was not necessary at this time and is now telling the girls to just help out more around the house. until they are more on their feet. so for now things are on a level keel for a bit until the next stress. As far as homeless the girls will never be as they have 2 older sisters who will gladly take them in, and have offered multiple times for them to move in with them.

That sounds like a good balance - for us lot, the house work can be just as much of a hurdle as the financials! Best of luck to all of you, and a bright New Year ahead

 

[nikkozoo]

Sounds like you have an understanding spouse, happy everything is working out for the family. Hope you all have a good 2022.

 

[notsogrimreaper]

of course soon as i start to relax and settle down, my pita Father in law starts in again, I really can never catch a break. Now hes complaining about my dog peeing in the main yard because my daughter didn't hold her collar and bring her to the pen. now mind you I have been requesting to put a dog door in literally since i moved in, so he wouldn't have any complaints, but hes said no the whole time. now hes saying he wants us to rebuild the whole wall to put in a regular door. now the wall that the door would go into is a wall of windows. i'm at the point that i wonder if staying here is really worth it.

 

[Jemima]

I'm sorry you must be feeling so frustrated!

 

[notsogrimreaper]

ITS EXTREMELY FUSTRATING! I just wish we wouldn't have moved in here in the first place. I feel like our life may have been tighter money wise, but so much less stress. it sounds horrible but I cant wait for his dad to pass so we can move on with our lives. Its been such a struggle mentally doing this.

 

[sunkacola]

of course soon as i start to relax and settle down, my pita Father in law starts in again, I really can never catch a break. Now hes complaining about my dog peeing in the main yard because my daughter didn't hold her collar and bring her to the pen. now mind you I have been requesting to put a dog door in literally since i moved in, so he wouldn't have any complaints, but hes said no the whole time. now hes saying he wants us to rebuild the whole wall to put in a regular door. now the wall that the door would go into is a wall of windows. i'm at the point that i wonder if staying here is really worth it.

Doesn't sound to me as if it is worth it. Is there any way you can move on now and not wait?

To me, my mental and physical health takes priority over everything else. Even over my dogs, because although they are the #1 priority in my life, if I am not healthy I won't be able to care for them properly or at all. So if something is causing me too much stress and it is, naturally, affecting my health - I get rid of it. No matter how inconvenient that may be, or what is costs, I remove it from my life.

Life is short and it is not worth it to be miserable or to be stressed out for any reason if you already have fibromyalgia and have to deal with all that FM brings. Not to mention stress is the very worst thing for FM people.

I know you may not be able to move, so please don't think I am telling you what to do. I don't know your situation, but am just offering support if you are thinking it might be possible for you to live elsewhere and remove that stress from your life.

If you can't, is there any way you can mostly avoid being in contact with your F-in-law? I think I'd just hang out in another room, or leave the room every time he started in on something so unreasonable as what you describe. Can you just walk away? "Gotta go make a phone call!", or something like that?

Just letting you know i sympathize with your situation and am wishing you the best.

 

[notsogrimreaper]

At this point we are stuck waiting it out, If we leave my girls would have to find other places to live, due to me and hubby not being able to afford a place big enough for us and afford it. And if we were to leave his dad would cut him off and he would be cut out of the will. I know it sounds like its all about the money, but its more of not having enough.

 

[sunkacola]

I understand and sympathize. Situations like this are far more complex than can be seen from the outside. If there is anything we can do to help you cope with this, or if you ever just need to vent or get advice, I hope you will let us know. We are here for you.

 

[wiserlady]

If one or both of the daughters already has debts does this not mean that they over spend, and spend beyond their income? They will do this whether they have this amount or that amount then. So some of it may as well come to you to help you as get wasted on goodness knows what. Needing to pay rent would help them. It would help them to grow up and become more adult and responsible and capable. I had to give my mother all of my money as from the age of 15, I was only allowed my bus fares to work. She did it because she was greedy and could be very cold and cruel, not for my sake. I really resented it and it was not at all necessary as she had plenty of income from herself and hubby. But I have learned a lot about money and have never been in debt ever, even when I was unemployed and could barely pay for food I never got into debt, I made jams and quiches and sold them to local shops, I took in two lodgers and rented out two rooms to them so that I could pay the rent, there are always ways you can do it yourself without having to sell your soul. When buying my first house I bought it cash.

 

[wiserlady]

I am with you. Sometimes we have to make a choice. Sometimes it is a case of compromise and letting go of something which is useful in one way but harmful in another. Like you my dogs are very important to me, after all they rely on me, they cannot take themselves out, email or pick up the phone or feed themselves. Sometimes the price we pay for taking the so called easy way makes far worse in another way and ultimately is not worth it.