All of a Sudden His Pain trumps Mine!

[cinderr]

So my whining may be at an end in one month. Next week he gets injections for his pain and in one month, I do. Seriously can't wait---just to take a walk outside would be so great. To sit on a bar stool long enough to have two beers! How did injections work for you?

 

[Trellum]

I'm happy for you I'm not at that point yet (injections) but I've heard they do wonders! Please keep us posted and don't feel afraid to share your results with us

 

[cinderr]

I certainly am making a big deal out of this, aren't I?
So I was wondering if my husband was tossed into the pit of pain so he might understand what I go through. Except, he is feeling a bit better and is already forgetting what relentless pain is like. I must remind him.

 

[cinderr]

Update on the fascinating subject of my family's pain He had the injection and already one day later, he is so much better. Happy for him.
Unfortunately, today my pain took a turn for the worse!
All alone all day, unable to do my work, I decided I could drop dead and no one would care. I am a tad better than it was this morning but my attitude is at a low point. I will bounce back because I am normally a positive person but for today, I may have to do some wallowing.

 

[Trellum]

Sorry to hear you had a bad day There are days that I wish I wasn't even born, lol, seriously! It's good you are trying to keep a positive attitude tho Today I felt very moody! And let me tell you it's ok to have days like that, it's super healthy and is one of the most effective coping mechanisms I've encountered so far! No doubt about it! So keep venting

 

[GingerR]

Yes, I have been in this situation and felt very hurt and angry. So, I spent some time researching how men and women respond to any kind of distress in a family member, close friends, etc. I know this is a long site, but very helpful. A new study from the Un. of Southern Cal finds that stressed men have diminished activity in brain regions responsible for understanding others' feelings. Our significant men see our distress, they feel distressed, and then they withdraw. I have learned that men indeed are babies about their own pain.
But, this is what is now helping me. When my husband sees me in pain and withdraws emotionally, I have my own list of things I ask him to do. This is a "to do" list of comfort I would like: "Please bring me a cup of tea." "I want you to bring me an ice pack." "I want a 2 minute hug." etc. This somehow let's him be the big strong problem solver and I get comfort.
This won't work with all men.. I know that. But at least I began to understand why men are so unable to feel empathy.

Do a websearch for psychcentral.

 

[nascarmike]

I think for most of us its taken as read we are in pain. We've been that way long enough its become part of the daily routine, not just for ourselves but those who live with us, i don't think that they don't want to sympathize its just become the norm unless you are have a particular bad day or something new comes to join the cacophony of noise that is our pain. Also we carry on, we continue to do the things we normally do, all be it a bit slower, we manage and say little about it. So I do think, sometimes, we have created the situations ourselves to some extent.
When generally healthy people get struck down with something painful its a shock to the system and its takes time for them to adjust, by then they are generally better till the next injury or mishap. So of course they swear and moan and complain constantly, we however have been accustomed to our lot and already know complaining doesn't help anymore coz what we got generally does not go away no matter how much we moan. only people like us can understand people like us, thats why i'm so glad we have this place to get things out of our system.

AMEN. Nice to have a place to go and be understood and not judged or looked at as some sort of fruit cake with make-believe pain. Take heart you are so not alone in this.

 

[Amalia]

It's not a competition. I'm not sure if your husband knows that. You should sit him down and tell him this and try to work together towards your goals instead of playing the 'who suffers more' game. Please don't feel offended, it was not my intention at all. I understand your frustration but I was just suggesting you should do something constructive together.

 

[Whyfor]

I have terrible hip pain myself, and I've found myself in a pretty similar situation! Unfortunately, I've spent many years without a proper diagnosis, so any time I have expressed even private discomfort in the presence of in-laws (like grimacing when I sit down, or the like), I've gotten a whole host of terrible responses. Once, my spouse's mother laughed when I had to adjust myself in a chair, and said, "Oh honey, if I could psychically transmit to you the kind of pain I'm in all the time, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself!"

Of course, my mother-in-law is the type of person who tries to make herself the victim of every situation, since she has a serious martyr complex, but still, that comment of hers has never really left me. It was the perfect example of people being absolutely unable or unwilling to sympathize with suffering that isn't visible to the naked eye. Truthfully, I believe it is an issue of empathy.

I'm sorry about your husband being a right jerk about it. I imagine he really is in a good deal of pain, but he doesn't have to make a contest out of it. Like Amalia said, you both need to come to terms that you are both suffering, and you will both need to set reasonable goals for yourself. Him saying that his pain is worse than yours does nothing but inflate his own ego, and accomplishes nothing for either of you.