Not sure where to post this

[Drummer76]

I've been in kind of a slump lately,depression and not even leaving my house for several days at a time. I'm dealing with chronic pain that pain meds aren't helping so I have self medicating. Losing my dad back in December has been rough.
I have zero motivation to do anything,I'm barely eating once every 2 days and I've lost weight from it,my daughter has asked me if there is something I'm not telling her,it's noticeable.
I had a therapy appointment that was suppose to be in January but to come to find out,my insurance refuses to pay so no place will see me unless I self pay.
I'm at a loss. I really don't feel like I have much control any longer.
I'm suppose to see the pain Dr tomorrow but considering on skipping it and going off medication that is doing me no good to take.
I already know I'm very hard to treat as a patient since I am medication sensitive to just about everything. Makes me sick so that works against me in a lot of situations.
Sometimes I just feel like life isn't worth living but the alternative is not what I'd ever consider. To me it's selfish unless you have a terminal disease that is going to be extremely painful to live with until you pass.
I'm willing to do just about anything to get out of this and live a little bit of a more normal life. I sure as hell am not living.

 

[30 plus years]

@drummer I too feel I "don't have control any longer," because in a way, we...just DON'T. Which is super hard to accept.

It's now been half my life battling chronic pain. Truly, there's not one part of my body that hasn't been affected at one time or another. Finding effective help is another story. Honestly, I never feel good. Treating symptoms is a crapshoot.

However, as we're often admonished, we have to accept reality and work with it the best we can. My advice for you would be to address the depression, if you haven't already. It's a downhill slide and we can feel like we're sucked in a dark hole we can't get out of. I'm on Zoloft and it's really helping.

I feel bad that you feel so stuck. Things can change, and will. It's a constant battle, I know. But with the weight of depression lifted, you'll likely start feeling a bit more positive and gain a little more motivation.

Hang in there. Don't give up.

P.S. Sometimes I don't get out of the house for weeks.

 

[sunkacola]

@Drummer76 I can tell you this: You are not alone. You feel alone (so do I), and of course we are not actually there in the flesh. But we are here none the less, and many of us know what you are going through because we could have written parts of your post ourselves and been speaking the truth of our own situations. It is very difficult to keep putting one foot in front of the other when daily life is so challenging, and help is so difficult to get.

One thing that has helped me tremendously in my life was to realize some years ago now that I never have had, do not have, and never will have control in my life. There are all these people and books and videos that will tell you they can help you to "take control of your life" and so on, but really none of us have control in our lives. It's impossible to have control. We were born with certain genetics, some of which come from generations ago. And we are not in control of those and how they affect us daily, nor can we control what happens to us in our lives. We can certainly make choices and decisions, but we are never in control of the outcome of those choices or decisions. This doesn't mean that we can't do anything, but it does mean that we are not in control.

For me, there was tremendous relief in realizing this, and in accepting this. I had spent my whole life trying to gain control, and not understanding why I couldn't, and thinking it was because I was just not good enough. Knowing I cannot possibly control things makes my life easier to take, because I am never wondering "why did this happen?", and I am more able to see that all any of us can ever do is the best we can manage in any given moment. What that "best" is will vary greatly from time to time, and we need to give ourselves understanding for that as well. Sometimes the best we can do doesn't include being able to leave the house, and that is as it is, and is OK.

I find that the degree to which I can practice Radical Acceptance, which means simply accepting everything that is in this moment, no matter what it is, is the degree to which I can have some inner peace. This doesn't mean I like everything in that moment, doesn't mean I am not depressed or anxious or in pain, but it does mean I am not wasting energy feeling as if What Is should not be. And, of course, Radical Acceptance doesn't mean apathy or approval, and if there is something that I can actually do to change something that needs changing then I will do my best to do that.

Having no motivation is a terrible thing, and I can relate closely to that, as well as not wanting to leave the house. I suspect that others on the forum will also chime in to say they know how that feels as well.

As for getting a therapist: Have you looked into all of the social services in your area? Years ago when I desperately needed a therapist and had no insurance and no money I was able in some places I lived to find free or sliding-scale clinics to go to for that. Some were state or county run and some were run by an agency of some other kind, but I was often able to find someone I could afford to go to. They weren't all good therapists, mind you.....but not all expensive therapists are good either! If you think that seeing someone might help you, I urge you to keep trying, calling places and services to see if there's something for low-income people in your area. Many if not most places in the US have such things, although if you are not in a city you might not have one nearby.
Wishing you the best of luck.

 

[Drummer76]

@Drummer76 I can tell you this: You are not alone. You feel alone (so do I), and of course we are not actually there in the flesh. But we are here none the less, and many of us know what you are going through because we could have written parts of your post ourselves and been speaking the truth of our own situations. It is very difficult to keep putting one foot in front of the other when daily life is so challenging, and help is so difficult to get.

One thing that has helped me tremendously in my life was to realize some years ago now that I never have had, do not have, and never will have control in my life. There are all these people and books and videos that will tell you they can help you to "take control of your life" and so on, but really none of us have control in our lives. It's impossible to have control. We were born with certain genetics, some of which come from generations ago. And we are not in control of those and how they affect us daily, nor can we control what happens to us in our lives. We can certainly make choices and decisions, but we are never in control of the outcome of those choices or decisions. This doesn't mean that we can't do anything, but it does mean that we are not in control.

For me, there was tremendous relief in realizing this, and in accepting this. I had spent my whole life trying to gain control, and not understanding why I couldn't, and thinking it was because I was just not good enough. Knowing I cannot possibly control things makes my life easier to take, because I am never wondering "why did this happen?", and I am more able to see that all any of us can ever do is the best we can manage in any given moment. What that "best" is will vary greatly from time to time, and we need to give ourselves understanding for that as well. Sometimes the best we can do doesn't include being able to leave the house, and that is as it is, and is OK.

I find that the degree to which I can practice Radical Acceptance, which means simply accepting everything that is in this moment, no matter what it is, is the degree to which I can have some inner peace. This doesn't mean I like everything in that moment, doesn't mean I am not depressed or anxious or in pain, but it does mean I am not wasting energy feeling as if What Is should not be. And, of course, Radical Acceptance doesn't mean apathy or approval, and if there is something that I can actually do to change something that needs changing then I will do my best to do that.

Having no motivation is a terrible thing, and I can relate closely to that, as well as not wanting to leave the house. I suspect that others on the forum will also chime in to say they know how that feels as well.

As for getting a therapist: Have you looked into all of the social services in your area? Years ago when I desperately needed a therapist and had no insurance and no money I was able in some places I lived to find free or sliding-scale clinics to go to for that. Some were state or county run and some were run by an agency of some other kind, but I was often able to find someone I could afford to go to. They weren't all good therapists, mind you.....but not all expensive therapists are good either! If you think that seeing someone might help you, I urge you to keep trying, calling places and services to see if there's something for low-income people in your area. Many if not most places in the US have such things, although if you are not in a city you might not have one nearby.
Wishing you the best of luck.

I feel my condition with my back is getting worse and trying to explain that to a nurse who didn't want to hear what I had to say really got to me. So I cut her off and said this is what we're going to do,I'm going to leave and you can tell your bs to someone else because I've heard every excuse that's possible as to why I'm in the amount of pain I'm in. I don't have another appointment or a new script for next week since I run out on the 10th,which is how it was prescribed,3x a day and I stick to it. She did ask how many I had left since I didn't take the bottle with me this time since they never asked for it. I said,I honestly don't know because I keep them locked up in a safe and I just take 3 a day out,unless I over sleep and don't take 1 then I just take 2 out and stay on 3 a day. I said count how many days I have left until my refill and that's what I have at home. She went on to tell me to try cbd and I asked her if she looked at my drug test,cause she'd see thc would pop and that's not even helping me.
So I'm done with the pain mangemnet thing and I doubt I'll look for another one. To many hoops to jump through and I'm done doing it.
As far as therapy goes,there is 1 place that does a sliding scale but they are horrible. They don't really do much and it's just a huge mess at the place. In all honesty,the place needs shut down since they get grants and turn many away and some have went on to take their own lives. I was a patient there until my long time therapist left and went to a different state. A lot of fraud going on at the place.
I guess I'll figure out how to deal with pain or learn to life with it instead of putting more pills in me that don't work.
I do question if this was what happened with my grandma. She passed away in her late 50s and dealt with chronic pain from what I understand. I was very young so I really didn't know her but was told she suffered like i did. I wonder if that is where all this is coming from. I do remember her not working.

 

[sunkacola]

@Drummer76 I wish there were something I could do to help you. I think it's appalling that there are not more mental health services you could access besides just one corrupt place.
Only other thought I have had is this: would your insurance pay for, or pay any part of, a telehealth visit with a therapist? Sometimes insurance will cover that when they won't cover in-person visits, and while in-person is better in some ways, I have done video sessions and found that not having to leave home can be a real bonus.
I wish you all the best.

 

[Drummer76]

Not sure if they will. I figure since they won't pay for a therapist then they won't pay for much mental health things. 1 of the biggest problems we have here in the US and an insurance company refuses to pay.
I'm guessing it eats at to much of their profits while letting people go without treatment. I live in a city of about 65k in the city and 118k people total in the county and surrounded by several small counties.

 

[sunkacola]

Not sure if they will. I figure since they won't pay for a therapist then they won't pay for much mental health things.

Well, of course I am not sure they will either, but it would be worth your while to find out. You might need to get a referral from a GP, or jump through some other hoop. But in your place I would certainly be making the phone calls and talking to people to find out. No need to give up unless you have tried everything, and if you feel that talking with a mental health professional would help, then I urge you to do whatever you have to do to get that.