vickythecat
Senior member
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2017
- Messages
- 366
- Reason
- DX FIBRO
- Diagnosis
- 01/2013
- Country
- EU
- State
- Earth
Somehow, ever since I was a child, I felt like I must be here on this planet for a purpose. I could not stand injustice and unfairness. But right from my younger ages, I was imprisoned in my social anxiety. I was afraid of humans - child or adult. So I did not speak because I was not brave enough to speak. I saw injustice everywhere - but I could not do much about it. I tried my best - by doing, not talking, but it was so painful, so frustrating.
Then I was also diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. It made sense - the mood swings, the self injury, self hatred etc. Now I had 2 demons to fight - next to all the demons = injustices on this planet.
I managed to finish university, work for a number of years, but I knew there was MORE wrong with me. I was so exhausted all the time. I could never get out of bed. I blamed myself for years for being lazy, for being weak, for being a loser. I gave up on the idea of a family, my own home, children, a successful career....
Past forward 20 years, I finally got my dream job. A job fighting unfairness. But then hell broke lose. I was bullied at work, overworked, was not given the salary I should've. So I had to fight...fight...fight. For 3 years!!! While I lost my dad....while I had 2 unsuccessful surgeries on my spine....while I was suffering from severe anxiety and pain.
Now I am at home. Unable to get out, unable to be useful, unable to laugh, but also unable to be happy or be sad. I am just numb. I want to know why??? why so many times? All I wanted to in life was fight unfairness. Fight for the rights that are overlooked. Look at me now - guess who is invisible now? So my purpose? Was it just to survive???
Sorry for the vent
Then I was also diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder. It made sense - the mood swings, the self injury, self hatred etc. Now I had 2 demons to fight - next to all the demons = injustices on this planet.
I managed to finish university, work for a number of years, but I knew there was MORE wrong with me. I was so exhausted all the time. I could never get out of bed. I blamed myself for years for being lazy, for being weak, for being a loser. I gave up on the idea of a family, my own home, children, a successful career....
Past forward 20 years, I finally got my dream job. A job fighting unfairness. But then hell broke lose. I was bullied at work, overworked, was not given the salary I should've. So I had to fight...fight...fight. For 3 years!!! While I lost my dad....while I had 2 unsuccessful surgeries on my spine....while I was suffering from severe anxiety and pain.
Now I am at home. Unable to get out, unable to be useful, unable to laugh, but also unable to be happy or be sad. I am just numb. I want to know why??? why so many times? All I wanted to in life was fight unfairness. Fight for the rights that are overlooked. Look at me now - guess who is invisible now? So my purpose? Was it just to survive???
Sorry for the vent