Partners Husbands and Wives

[diamond]

What expectations do you peeps that are in a close relationship have of your other half?

Aside from love I hoped for ...acceptance of me for being me...appreciation of how hard I've been fighting this illness for years and all the positive things I could still do like all the house work and still go out a few times a week together for a few hours and the fact i had kept a wicked sense of humour.

.....and believing me if i got a new symptom like migraines or IBS....and not being told it would all more or less go away if I stopped worrying about it or that 'nobody gets everything'!...as more symptoms join the party as the years roll by.

Do you guys talk to your partners or keep it all mostly to yourselves...but then how do you live a life together if you don't communicate whether you can or can't do something.

 

[Tony]

My spouse got pretty tired of me talking about it .. so I tried not to. It's tough to not talk about the elephant in the room when there is an elephant in the room I expected support I guess .. and got it! Almost as tough on the spouse as the aflicted I think!

 

[DK_engineer]

I do let the people close to me know when I'm feeling better or worse. I tend to be matter of fact about it rather than emotional. Sometimes a small detail is enough to convey the concept (I once told one of my friends that it hurt to wear my glasses. It was actually the least of my issues at the time but it helped her understand where I was coming from.). I sometimes ask others if it bothers them that I am being open with them. This gives them a chance to voice their emotions too.

Sometimes people feel bad when I ask for help because they think they should have noticed I needed help before I had to ask. I offer them a deal - I won't hide that I need help if they won't feel bad when I ask.

I had some friends who did not respect my limits. This really eroded my ability to trust them. To me, respecting for a person's body and health is just fundamental to trust and safety. Without that you can't be more than superficial, polite acquaintances.

The other thing I am not shy about is letting people know they cannot yell at me (even if I don't tell them why). I had to tell a guy at work to leave my cube a few months ago. He had come over just to belittle me over a work disagreement and would not listen to my replies. He didn't leave at first so I insisted again. My hands were physically shaking after, so I'm sure I did the right thing.

I hope this is getting at what you are asking, willow

 

[diamond]

Yes it is DK...I think its the respecting your limits and definitely the not belittling. You need to feel safe and trust that even if your illness seems extreme and your partner can't feel or see it they will still believe you.

 

[DK_engineer]

It's not easy - six or eight years ago, the consequences for telling that guy to leave my cube would have been worse than letting him stand there and yell at me. But now I am in a stronger position at work so I can afford to stand up for myself. That and having fibromyalgia changes my calculations. Now I can't afford to suck it up (which is a ridiculous expectation in our culture anyway).

I have had to sharpen my social skills to be able to talk about things other people don't want to hear. A couple of books really helped me: Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson and Influencer by Joseph Grenny

 

[Sarafina]

DK,
I have gone through the same transition dealing with conflict differently. I look back now and can't believe how people got away with mistreated me. Now, I speak up and hold my ground. Sometimes I still get shaky after effects, but it's worth putting people in their place.

BUT, I have a much harder time with my partner. I still fight the fear that speaking up = tension, which = pain.

So, Willow..I wonder if that is what a lot of us do, or just me? We don't want to have conflict with our partners so we let sleeping dogs lay but, then that too causes stress. It's just a big ol' ferris wheel!

 

[moe1959]

I get a strong sence that to those who question, or accuse, or condem, or Judge. May one day, sooner or laiter, be humbled, so I'll pray for them.. consider this answer a very personal prayer of mine. Not that others would suffer, but may know even if it's for a day to walk in my moccasins to discover the pain I endure. A very loved family member had alot of pain going on, at one time I was called a hypochondriac by this person. Do you know, not once did I want to say "your acting like a hypochondriac ". Although I will confess I did feel compassion for him. Some humans just don't know HOW to give something they dont have. Some animals have more compassion than we humans. Look at the geese for example, if one bird is injured the whole flock will stay as long as possible before moving on. The Elephants ,will Family up to protect its young. The human race has lost its compassion . You see some are givers and some are takers, it fufills my soul to give , so I will carry on with giving, because....it's much better to give than to recieve. So for now, (I'll hug on My Dog.) LOL. Talk to God, and myself, lol.....call me crazy if that makes you feel better. Talk behind my back, it's ok, I'll still love you, why? Because, there's no higher calling than to love, without conditions or limits. Love is something Fibromyalgia can NOT, and will not, strip away from me.

 

[diamond]

Oh Sarafina you are spot on ....I wish i found this place and some of you years ago who I can definitely feel a meeting of minds that i haven't found with anyone else...stress tension =pain is the bit only we understand but then being trapped avoiding dealing with stuff means you are sitting on a pressure cooker which also =pain.

Any one in the big wide world without fibro doesn't get it, the worst they may feel with conflict or discussions that raise emotions is a bit of stress.

I always have the' protect myself from pain' at the forefront of my mind.

 

[diamond]

Moe you are a sweet soulx

 

[diamond]

DK I Hear you.... standing up for myself against criticsm does the same as withstanding critical remarks or raised voices at me so I am trapped with fight or flight = pain either way.

This has been going on to various degrees since I got fibro but the kinder people are and the better my health the more resilient I become either way and vice versa.

I used to be very assertive but am not so now...it's a big loss in itself, the demise of a strong personality trait that I felt proud to have.

I know why it's happened but that's another long story.

Thanks for book recommendations.

 

[DK_engineer]

Please don't take what I said as an implication that you don't stand up for yourself, willow. Clearly you are a very strong & compassionate person.

Sometimes we have good reasons for choosing to avoid a confrontation, or to keep our reactions low key when someone else is laying into us. Sometimes a matter of weighing an unsatisfactory choice against a worse choice. And it's even worse if you beat yourself up about it later like I tend to. I'm trying to unlearn that habit

I hope the books are helpful. They taught me to make sure I am on firm ground before I start a difficult conversation.

 

[diamond]

no no Dk I didn't think you thought anything negative...i meant I totally understand.

I always love to hear your point of you. You are one of the regulars on threads I feel I know and i always feel in tune with you.

You are one who has read, researched, and self taught your way through your life with fibro and i so respect your input. x

 

[DK_engineer]

Oh good, I'm glad I didn't come across that way

Thank you for your kind words - I sure am glad I've had a chance toget to know you