I've been trying, but adjusting seems endless...

[Heavenjumper]

I've been absent from the forum for a while, just got into a depression because of multiple things going on and kind of closed off as much as I could to the outside world. My doctor started me on Effexor in February for depression and to block some of the nerve pain I have. She increased my dose when I went back about 3 weeks ago, and I have seen a little less pain most days (not much, but I'll take any I get). My depression hasn't really improved any, but that could be due to more things going in a likely bad direction. At the same visit a few weeks ago, she gave me the news of my blood results... My ana came back positive. She's sending me to a rheumatologist, but I still have another month to wait for that appointment. That will start more tests to lead to a diagnosis of whatever auto immune issue is now adding to my fibro. On one hand, I know having the information and getting actual treatment (which I have yet to get for the fibro) will be better than not knowing in the long run, but I'm not sure I can handle getting another diagnosis to add to my list. I already got a diagnosis of carpal tunnel and degenerative disc disease when my neurologist told me abbot the fibro, so I really need a fourth thing wrong with me, fifth if you count the depression treatment? I can't work because of pain and weakness in my legs, if I drive even a couple miles in our current vehicle I increase my pain for the day by at least 50%, I have trouble even walking short distances (literally just around my house) without having pain, weakness, and needing my cane. I'm 34 years old, this can't keep getting worse! I'm engaged to get married and I've even lost interest in planning my wedding since I don't know what my limits will be next year, money is tight with me not working since September, and now finding out that I'll soon have another health condition to manage and combat against. I try to stay positive, do what I can, and not wallow in self pity, but I feel like the more positive I try to be, the more I get sucked down. Thank you if you've gotten this far, I just needed to get some of that out to people I know can understand what I'm going through. I haven't even talked to my dad or other family I usually keep in touch with in months because I gave just been trying to wrap my head around everything, much less trying to explain it to others when I can't explain it to myself.

 

[sunkacola]

Heavenjumper, I definitely get what you are saying.

I also have carpal tunnel (both wrists) and degenerative disc disease along with the fibro.

I also try to stay positive but generally it is hard to manage. Deep down I am an optimist, despite the fact that I am also a chronic depression sufferer. Mostly, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter what. That is what I have done pretty much my whole life, because even long before I got Fibro I had major depression; I have been depressed most of the time since I was about 12 years old. When I think of my life and read the stories of other people's lives one thing really stand out to me: human beings can adapt to and survive literally anything that doesn't actually kill them.

I would say to you this: if perhaps you have been planning on a whole fuss for the wedding, how about abandoning that and going for something extremely simple instead? Just a small group of people, short ceremony (I think the shorter the more powerful, myself), and a little gathering afterward for only a couple of hours. Done. If anyone gets annoying to you about not having something bigger, just ignore them. Your wedding is the day for you and your love, only. It doesn't need to suit ANY one else, no matter who they are. If you have something super simple, just a cake from a bakery, hold the gathering afterward at a friend's house or your own, no fancy expensive decorations, it won't be much to plan at all. It could cost you less than $500 for the entire thing. Less than that, even, if you want. And you can use the money you save for something like a vacation or something you and your new husband need.

 

[Heavenjumper]

Thank you sunkola, sometimes it helps just to know somebody understands. I am definitely planning something fairly simple, any extravagant affair isn't my style even before all the health issues. It helped brighten my spirit about planning the other day when my godmother (my mother passed away a few years ago) told me she would be honored to help me make the plans. I've started wrapping my head around all that's going on and most days are getting a little better, it's just not easy knowing that so much has already changed and there are more changes to come with some new diagnosis pending.

 

[vickythecat]

I totally feel your pain and frustration, and sadness. When I was getting my multiple diagnosis and everything I tried failed or made things worse, I kept telling myself 'when it rains, it pours, but the sun will have to shine some day!'

I also once had a positive ANA test. I was just hired by my dream employer. For insurance reasons I had to have some health tests done and I walked into that hospital feeling very confident, at my healthiest, happiest, proudest ever....but left it 4 hours later completely depressed and with a) heel spur b) positive ANA test c) some spots on my kidney scans that needed further exploration. I had to have the tests repeated 3 months later and nothing turned out from those (incl. a negative ANA test) so I was given a clear bill of health. The doctors could not explain why, how, when, what to do.

And the times when I went to the doctor at my unhealthiest with extreme fatigue/pain, doctors could not find anything and just blamed my depressive mood disorder.

Just know that, even though a doctor's visit and all those tests make you feel lonely (even if you go there with a loved one), you are never alone. Try to stay positive, focus on you and you only now and on taking care of yourself.