Infedelity Discussion

[Fishinabowl]

My boyfriend of 5 years are most likely going to break up. He has Fibro and I have a lot of mental/emotional issues that have been getting worse over the years.

Last October I tried to kill myself and cheated on him figuring I didn't care anymore since it was going to be the end. I survived and I told my boyfriend. He for the most part forgave me and then I cheated on him numerous times again. Mostly just kissing, not actual sex. I am ashamed of myself and I told him I did it again. Its been 3 1/2 days and I still don't know if we are going to stay together. The plan is to get couples counseling so at least we can remain friends if things do not pan out.
I don't know what to do. I know I did wrong that cannot be forgiven. I told him I still want to be with him but I obviously have to many problems since I ruined the relationship again. He feels the same. So we are stuck in this back and forth cycle of yelling, then cuddling, talking civil, then being hostile. Although for the most part the hostility is gone.

I would just like any thoughts on what people think. I'm not asking for a pity party, just advice as what I should do so he can heal. I already put him in a flare because of this and feel horrible about it. So that's all I think of...

 

[Fishinabowl]

I have also started cutting again but have been trying to seek help from my therapist/clinicians.

 

[Fishinabowl]

Wasn't trying to freak anyone out sorry. Can't figure out how to delete it.

 

[Happyflowerlady]

It sounds like, to me, that you need to take care of yourself, and your issues, before you are ready for a relationship at this time. I know it is hard to just walk away, and I am not saying that you shouldn't stay friends, but it seems like there is a lot you need to wrap your head around at this point, and trying to stay on the relationship, and it bouncing from hot to cold, is not going to help either yourself or him right now. You are hurting him, and then blaming yourself, and feeling bad for doing that, and you need to be just focusing on getting your self, and your life , working, and not overload things with the guilt like you have been doing.
It sounds like the two of your truly care about each other, and I think the relationship can work, once you get the help you need to work out the issues you have been dealing with these last few months.
Prayers and hugs....

 

[mariposa]

You didn't freak me out... I didn't see this post until now although I'm not sure how I missed it because I was here earlier today.

The answer I'd give is pretty much like the one Happyflowerlady gave. This is a hurtful cycle situation that's ending up being damaging to both of you. Maybe if you go into friendship mode for a while (and I know it can be done) some healing can happen and you can see where you want to go from there. Things like this can devastate a relationship without any health problems at all, but since he has Fibro and stress puts him into painful flare, it's extra damaging. And you have your emotional issues {your term} so healing is needed there, too.

Maybe some time for both of you to heal from the emotional scars would be a nice gift to each other, and maybe even end up being what you need to come back stronger.

 

[KNH55]

I definitely agree with the previous two posters. I think you and your boyfriend should take a break while you get your life and emotions together, and then you can try again. Perhaps the best thing to do if you do end up splitting is telling him you love him but need time and once you get the needed help you can get back together so you can be a better girlfriend to him and not hurt him. Good luck!

 

[1sweed]

Sounds to me like maybe your dealing with issues that came long before meeting your boyfriend. Did you have any problems during your childhood that might cause you to act out in this way? I mean like abuse. Are you taking your anger out on your boyfriend because he is ill, or are you so locked up in yourself that hurting another person who loves you does not matter?

I would say that you need time apart so you can figure out what is important to you and then maybe just be friends. It is not his fault that he has fibro. Most of us here have it and we would like to give it back to where ever it came from. Fibro is not something anyone would pick by choice. You mentioned that you were cutting again and usually those that do have had severe abuse as children. I hope and pray you get together with your doctors and try to stop this dangerous life cycle your in for yourself, as well as, your boyfriend. Best of luck to you.

 

[MercyL]

It sounds like nurturing your relationship will have to wait. Your own emotional issues need immediate attention.

It is time to gain some perspective. If you are "cheating" on your boyfriend, do you think you can be monogamous inside a marriage? Can you manage living with his fibromyalgia while you get help for your own issues?

I understand the difficulties in ending a 5 year relationship, but you are not married and, I assume, you share no children with your boyfriend. Putting this relationship on hold would probably be healthier for both of you.

 

[mariposa]

Just checking up on you today, fishinabowl. Have you made a decision about how you'll handle the situation you first posted about?

Also, is your boyfriend's flare better, and are you feeling any better emotionally? As far as I can see, you haven't posted since the 18th, so I hope you'll soon stop in and let us know at least a little bit about what's going on and how you're handling things.