I'm going to do something I never do.....

[sunkacola]

I'm going to do something I basically never do...........vent.
I hope you all don't mind.
There's a person I had a friendship with for 25 years. For the past 21 years we've lived in separate states and not seen each other, kept in touch regularly through email and phone calls. The past couple of years, most of our communication has been texts, with occasional phone calls.

What happened is the person started sending me texts late at night. I take medication that helps me sleep, but I am a chronic insomniac and if something wakes me up in the night I often cannot get back to sleep for hours, or at all. As anyone with fibromyalgia knows, if you don't get enough sleep your pain is almost always worse the next day, and of course that's on top of the fatigue and general not-good feeling any one has the day following a very bad night of little to no sleep. Sometimes it can have a ripple effect and negatively affect the next couple of days as well.

I explained all of this very carefully and politely to the person, and asked them never to text me past a certain hour, making sure I took into account the time difference between us of one hour. I explained all of it in a text, so there'd be a record of this they could read again if in doubt about the time. I also explained that I cannot turn the phone off or leave it in another room at night because if there's any kind of emergency at night I need it close to me and available immediately.

Well, they texted me late at night again. And again. And again. And again. Each time they did, I would (politely) ask them again not to, and explain all over again why. Each time they'd say basically " oops, sorry" and I would basically say, OK, please just don't do this again, and let it go. Then a couple months or so would go by and they'd do it again.

Finally, the last time it happened, ( this is the 7th or 8th time since I first explained to them why this is so important to me), I got angry. I sent a text saying that I had already told them over and over why I needed for them not to do that, and that at this point all I can think is that they just don't care enough to bother to remember. It was not nasty...I didn't call any names or say anything bad about the person, just that apparently they didn't care. And their response was to kick our whole relationship -- a 25 year warm and close friendship -- to the curb and say that our communication was finished. I feel as though they threw me out like garbage. This hit me like a kick in the chest. I felt despondent. I texted back to say, basically....why would you do this? You are ending our whole 25 year friendship over this? And all they did was text back to say, "you hurt my feelings". It's actually incomprehensible to me.

I am still upset about it. But I am a person who never wants to be anywhere I am not wanted. That person will never hear from me again. I also am thinking that despite that person having said many times to me that they cared about me, the friendship apparently didn't mean as much to them as it meant to me, because I wouldn't have ever ended it.

I feel very badly treated, and I know I did nothing to deserve such treatment. That person hurt me over and over by waking me up and I always just immediately let it go and went on. To be completely honest, this is not the only thing .....they kept saying something after I told them over and over that it hurt my feelings when they did it.....although they did finally stop doing it (after a few years of being asked). I keep feeling that I do not deserve this. And I also know that I am probably better off without this person in my life. But it's very painful. I have very few people in my life, so each one is important. I have no one with whom I can talk about this, but probably talking about it wouldn't help anyway. Gone is gone. I was already in a pretty bad depression, and this has made it a lot worse. But I will survive.
I guess the only reason I am writing this is to see if anyone here might have words of support for me.

 

[30 plus years]

First of all, I'm sorry this has put you in a bad place. It's hard not to feel emotional when we're disappointed, especially when something happens
abruptly or when the situation leaves us confused about what even happened. With any relationship, it can really hurt. And it's okay to vent!!

But as I read your post, I couldn't help but think of some points I've learned from you. As you've often said, not understanding our fibro plight is acceptable as long as we are believed and RESPECTED. Anything else is "toxic," and if it makes our life harder, then we need to cut that person pretty much out of our life. Sad, but true. We don't need anything to hurt us any more!!

Having said that, a close friendship of 25 years isn't anything to sneeze at.
It's kind of hard to imagine the issue of disturbing your sleep at late hours wasn't brought up sooner. Or maybe it was and you've been putting up with the REPEATED DISRESPECT for many years. Either way, clearly this friend wasn't showing respect for you and your vital sleep needs. How many times can a true friend keep forgetting such an important request from you? And you hurt their feelings?? Hardly.

Obviously this friendship was important enough to you to try to forgive, overlook and make peace with this person, and they weren't willing to do the same, see your point of view or better yet, sincerely apologize and simply adjust their time preference (or maybe convenience) for contacting you. You really tried.

Yes, you will survive and hopefully get past this. Plus, maybe you'll get less interrupted sleep! What you don't need is a terrible, extended flare. Try not to dwell on what happened or why. (Easier said than done..,)

Just an idea, would putting your phone on vibrate wake you up? Because you can turn off sound completely and still get serious weather emergency notifications. But if you meant any kind of emergency from friends/family, setting it on vibrate, low volume, might be a useful option. However, for true friends that respect your real needs, that won't even be an issue.

 

[sunkacola]

@30 plus years ....thank you. You understand.
Yes, the issue of disturbing my sleep with texts was brought up earlier. Up until two years ago I did not have a "smart" phone and so did not text at all. I think the first time this person woke me up with a text was about a year and a half ago or so, so it's been going on for a while. As I say, it has happened about 7 or 8 times now. Which seems like a LOT of times just to "forget", if a person really cared.

The thing is.....if someone told me something like what I told to that person...with all the details about how and why I absolutely need not to be woken up at night unless it's an emergency, and what it does to my whole next day (or two) if it happens.....I would never, ever have forgotten this and woken them up again! I know I wouldn't have. There's no way I'd just forget.

I don't want to put my phone on vibrate or some other setting. The thing is, if there is an actual emergency and someone needs to contact me I need to be available. Plus, I have felt that it was not too much to ask for someone just not to text me past a certain hour, and that I shouldn't have to be the one to make adjustments that would potentially inconvenience me. I also think that the vibrate sound would wake me up anyway.

What you said about their disrespect for my real needs and then telling me I hurt their feelings is exactly how I have been feeling, but sometimes it's really helpful to get validation from another person outside of the situation. I have not in any way misrepresented the situation to make myself look better or anything like that, so it helps that you see it as I do.

And yes, I did try. I have overlooked things many times over the years, just put them aside and continued the friendship. I never want to let go of a relationship, and have hung in there many times in my life with people when it was only to my detriment that I did. I guess this was another one.
Thanks for reading, and for giving me supportive feedback. It helps.

 

[BoandBuzz]

Hi
Although I often view messages I haven’t actually posted anything before but your message touched me enough to reach out. If I thought you were a me, myself and I sort of person I wouldn’t of bothered but you clearly aren’t as it is always you who is offering support, advice and comfort to so many people on this forum. I am always touched by your kindness.

As is mentioned often, fibromyalgia is a horrid condition and impossible to explain to anyone else and that is why it is so important to us that when we tell people (especially those close to us) things that we can and can’t do, things that we do and don’t like or tolerate, that they listen and understand. We aren’t being difficult, sensitive or precious, it is our reality . I am lucky to be supported by loving friends and family (although people have dropped off along the way).

A 25 year friendship is a big deal and clearly tells us that you meant something to each other. If I was you I would take a week or two to digest what has happened and to work out what that friendship means to you. Sometimes it is with relief that we let go of long term relationships (family or friends) but other times it is pride, stubbornness or more often than not, misunderstanding.

I sincerely hope that you and your friend will reconcile and support each other moving forward

 

[sunkacola]

Thank you very much for your kind words, @BoandBuzz . I really appreciate it so much.

I don't think that reconciliation is possible. The thing is that once a person tells me that it's over, it's over for me. I am not a person who can be told something like that, especially when I feel it is unjust, and then turn around and still be a friend. I don't see how there could be any misunderstanding, when I explained the whole thing several times in writing.

I don't play games, and I don't do the "break up and make up" thing. Not with partners and not with friends. If someone throws me away like garbage, I can't come back from that, I never have, and a week or two won't make any difference. Even if I could go back to being friends, I am not going to approach them begging after being treated like this. I do not believe I have anything to apologize for. My text was not mean. I only said, I have told you over and over and you have done it again and I guess you don't care. I don't know what other conclusion to come to. I think most people would probably come to the same conclusion if someone repeatedly ignored their polite requests for something that simple and explained how important it is for them.
I am a person who never hesitates to apologize and ask for forgiveness if I have wronged someone, but in this case I feel that I have been wronged.

I am shocked all the way through that this person would do this. I always thought they were loyal to the core, the way I am. But I can only feel that I was right in coming to the conclusion that they don't really care. If they did, they wouldn't be throwing me away because I "hurt their feelings". I cannot possibly remember all the times I told them they'd hurt my feelings, and most of the time they never apologized for it, but I never once would have even threatened to end the friendship because I am not like that.

The end is permanent because I cannot forgive this. Everything else, I have forgiven, but not this. To ignore a need of mine repeatedly and then take it out on me so horribly when I finally get angry and question if they care is not what a true friend would do.

 

[SBee]

@sunkacola I agree with the replies from @30 plus years and @BoandBuzz . Keeping it short I just dont think that person understands what a true friendship is. I can accept that some people will not understand all the aspects and effects of living with fibro entails
. But for you to explain again and again why you cannot be woken by non emergency messaging and they continue to do so? Total lack of respect for you as a person. They have no place being in your life anymore.

I am sorry you are (rightly) hurt and upset by this persons selfish actions.

Without sounding like a creep here, you give so much of yourself to us on this forum, both in precious time, and also with carefully considered advice. I do hope that you spend as little time as possible mulling over this persons actions, lest it affect your health.

Take care of yourself, and use the advice you often give others - treat yourself kindly.

 

[sunkacola]

Thank you ever so much, @SBee . I debated for a long time if I should write that first post or not. After I wrote it, I thought maybe I shouldn't have. But I am glad I did because getting the supportive words from you and the others means a lot to me. And will help me to move past this. You know how sometimes you can end up second-guessing or questioning yourself even when you know something to be true? You all have helped me not to do that. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. ♥

 

[SBee]

Whilst you are moderator on here @sunkacola its important for us all to remember that you arent just that title. You are a person who lives with what can be a very debilitating condition,( and fibro never plays fair. ) and its important to remember ,despite all the advice you give and the support given, that you also are a person who has the same feelings as anyone else, and totally deserves to ask and receive those same things back to you

Please, never ask ' if its alright ' to vent! If it were, then a huge percentage of my own posts would need to be deleted.. Take care

 

[JamieMarc]

@sunkacola Your "friend" did not respect your boundaries. Your "friend" hurt you. Your "friend" did not listen; chose not to hear you. Your "friend" sounds selfish and narcissistic. You are better off without toxic people in your life. I totally get the not having many friends, but the tradeoff is not worth it. Ever. It was an abusive relationship, so to speak. You were right to do what you did by ending the friendship. I would have done the same thing. The time you spent with that "friend" is now freed up to spend with a new friend or more time with existing friends. You've not lost anything IMHO, but I don't wish to offend. Focus on what you have gained instead, and by all means, don't fall into the trap of false guilt (another thing I'm all too familiar with). Talking does help. Venting does help. I'm glad you came here to get this off your chest and let us support you.

I've had to do the same thing you did, although the circumstances were different. For people like us, sometimes we feel guilty for taking care of ourselves even though we did the right thing by eliminating someone toxic from our life. You don't owe this person any further explanation. I'm glad you let them go, and this will pass, what you are feeling.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank you for this forum. I recently began exploring some Facebook groups for Fibromyalgia and was shocked at some of the shady referrals and reckless advice. Thank God I'm smart enough to think critically and make smart choices, but others are not so fortunate and will act out of desperation and perhaps hurt themselves or get scammed. At first I thought, is fibromyalgiaforums being too cautious? Then, I realized, no, these groups are being much too careless, reckless with apparently no moderation.

Remember the many friends you have here. I think you are more blessed than you realize. Treat yourself with the same love you would show another, and know that you did the right thing for yourself. It was a healing action you took, and I believe in the long run you will be proud of yourself for doing it.

Much love and healing to you.

 

[sunkacola]

Thank you, @JamieMarc . Actually, though, I am not the one who ended this friendship. They ended it. And I am feeling as though I was thrown away like a piece of dirty garbage.

I have ended relationships that I absolutely had to end because they were toxic, and it didn't feel good but mostly when that happened, I felt relief. This time the pain, both emotional and, naturally, physical as well, is intense. I can't seem to sleep more than an hour at a time, and I find myself just wishing I were not here at all. This person is not worth my feeling this bad, I know. And I will get through this. But to be thrown away like this is intensely hurtful. And baffling as well, but I am not going to waste my time trying to figure this out. I am just going to do my best to move on. Right now, though, I feel pretty grim both emotionally and physically.

Thank you for your kind words. They really do mean a lot.

 

[JamieMarc]

@sunkacola Hugs!