feuding family

[Libragirl67]

Hi everyone, all suggestions are wanted and welcomed on this one. My son and his girlfriend are going to be having their babyshower soon. My parents are ofcoarse invited. They will be making the drive up to our town to be at the shower. My mom and I get along like oil and water. She is very mean spirited, bigoted and never hesitates to look down on everything I have ever done. It was actually a crappy chidlhood riddled with alot of verbal abuse. I am just wondering if anyone has any breathing or calming exercises that I can do to keep calm and not let her get to me at all.

This day is about my son, not me or my mom. So I will not let anything ruin it for him. I just would like some suggestions on how to deal with this encounter. For my sons sake it must remain drama free.

 

[SulaBlue]

Libragirl, I have no real advice other than to avoid her as much as possible when she's around. Sit at the opposite end of the dining table, etc.. so you can get caught up talking to someone else. Stay busy in the kitchen "cleaning" even if you wash that same plate until the pattern wears off. Just remember that it takes two to argue. Try and smile any time she says something nasty - making her wonder just what the heck you're thinking may well be the best revenge You might try and imagine her as some comical, grotesque character from a movie that tries to be scary but fails because /she has no power over you/. Remember that abusers abuse because they often feel powerless. If you don't react, you don't give her the power she wants - and that's enough to smile about! Even if she's your mother, don't be afraid to take her aside and give her the "My House, My Rules" speech that she no doubt gave you as a child if she acts up! Can your dad help keep her reined in? Maybe he can give her a subtle poke whenever she starts being rude and nasty. I'm sure your husband knows about her as well - maybe he can help divert her attention by interrupting/changing the subject any time she veers into dangerous territory?

 

[Geraldine Higgin]

I think SulaBlue gives good advice in this case. I have done this with my now ex mother in law and it worked a charm and after the event she changed and we ended up getting on quite well. The first time is the hardest but once you do it you will find it easier and easier so stay calm and have a lovely time at the baby shower. Good luck.

 

[Libragirl67]

Thank-you so much for the words of advice. I want to be able to have fun and be there for my son. So this is what I will concentrate on. Yes, there will be plenty of people at the shower that I can interact with other than my mother. And there will be plenty of things to keep me occupied. If she wants to act up it will be her that looks foolish. And I refuse to add fuel to her fire. It is true, if I don't react she has nothing left to do but back away. Thank you for the well wishes.

 

[1sweed]

I have been in your shoes Libragirl, and things they can say hurt like daggers. I had a mean sister-in-law when I was married. She could get me in tears in no time and enjoyed every minute of it. My husband would not help at all. He just said that is the way she is. So I learned to play the game, which is as Sula & Geraldine, said. When she says something laugh at it and say something like what a sense of humor you have. Avoid her as much as possible. As for your dad helping, sometimes when husband's try to help they end up suffering for it for a longtime to come. Wife's like this never forget and can make living with such a person a nightmare.

I also stood up to my sister-in-law, not by quoting house rules, but by staring her down with a smile on my face. She could lay on the insults faster than I could give a reply or say something back, so by not talking, unless her comment is nice will make her realize your on to her game. Like you say the day is for your son. A shouting match would ruin it for him. So smile nicely and keep a straight face, and don't let her know if the comments she says hurt you. You can cry after she has gone home.

Better yet let us cheer you up. We will be rooting for you. I learned the hard way with a mean sister-in-law that just wanted all the attention to be focused on her. But you will get through this, it will be alright.

 

[mystysch123]

This all sounds like great advice. I too had a mom like that although mine also had anger issues and would become physically abusive as well and it can be very hard to deal with i ended up totally cutting her out of my life for a number of years just didn't need the pain she was dishing out she was not invited to my wedding and she didn't meet her one granddaughter until she was 6 years old. She is much nicer to me when she comes around now. And she never says those cutting or abusive things to me or my kids which was the big deal for me. I didn't want her dishing any of her crap on my kids. She ended up getting her crap together a fair bit and went to councelling and then she came back and apologised to me for what she had done at that point i allowed her into my kids lives with supervision of course. Can't remember who it was that complained abut their spelling but mine is way out of here today. I hope the killing her with kindness routine works laugh when she insults and smile if nothing else it will confuse the crap out of her and throw her off her game. lol Know that we are all thinking of you and rooting for you.

 

[1sweed]

Libragirl,
I was wondering how things went at the party. Were you able to hold your own and have a good time? I hope all went well and you didn't have to cave in to her or get angry. Let us know if you did good or not.

 

[Geraldine Higgin]

Yes please let us know how you went.

 

[MercyL]

This all sounds like great advice. I too had a mom like that although mine also had anger issues and would become physically abusive as well and it can be very hard to deal with i ended up totally cutting her out of my life for a number of years just didn't need the pain she was dishing out she was not invited to my wedding and she didn't meet her one granddaughter until she was 6 years old. She is much nicer to me when she comes around now. And she never says those cutting or abusive things to me or my kids which was the big deal for me. I didn't want her dishing any of her crap on my kids. She ended up getting her crap together a fair bit and went to councelling and then she came back and apologised to me for what she had done at that point i allowed her into my kids lives with supervision of course. Can't remember who it was that complained abut their spelling but mine is way out of here today. I hope the killing her with kindness routine works laugh when she insults and smile if nothing else it will confuse the crap out of her and throw her off her game. lol Know that we are all thinking of you and rooting for you.

I, too, have a mother who Is not welcome in my life. She hasn't learned to control her attitude towards me, so we do not talk. Every once in a while she tests the waters by calling, and I always let her simply leave a message on the answering machine. I wait a day or two and call her back, only to find that she has forgotten why she called...but I know what she was up to. She, like most mean people, wanted to push my buttons over something.

Everyone here has given great advice. Personally, I treat mean people, when I must be in the same room with them, as if they were invisible. I do not make eye contact, but do not look away, choosing to look through them when they swim into view. If they start speaking to me I turn and walk away. I save my smiles for those who deserve them.

 

[Ohyesuare]

I feel you. I had a pretty rough childhood mostly due to my mom and we really don't get along. I commend you for still inviting her for your child's sake. How I deal with my mom when I am forced to interact with her is just brush off anything she says. If I see things are going to escalate I will walk away for a bit. That is the best advice I can give, I hope it all goes well for you.

 

[Cheryq03]

Hi
I have it reversed. I posted yesterday about my two daughters who tell me I just can't be tired or hurt. It may be going to see a movie or out to eat. I just cam off a bad FMS/CFA attack. It was a side effect from Cipro. The worst is over but I am still so tired. One wanted me to go shopping and and I said I would love to but after what happened and it almost 100F outside I couldn't but would love to later. She just yelled and when I finally had to hang up she sent a nasty text! I do get panick attacks from being in a abusive family growing up. Deep breathing helps, have some things you can say in the back of your mind...weather, food anything. Just as I cannot control my daughter she is an adult you can't control your Mom. Hope things go well!

 

[Amalia]

I think that the best thing to do is to avoid her and focus on the your son's happiness. This is an important day for him and as you said, you shouldn't let anything ruin it. Try to be around people you like and just get busy helping out. It's only one day, it will pass. Focus on the fun parts!