Apathy and Anger Phase?

[afa1979]

I'm extremely down in the dumps. Maybe I could get some guidance from veteran sufferers? Here is what is going on (and please excuse my disjointed post):

I was just diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in March (2013). I have suspected that I had it for almost 3 years. Two years ago, I had chronic lower back pain flare up and I sought many alternative treatments first, such as massage, acupuncture, chiropractic, aquatic exercise/hot tub, meditation, etc. although, they were merely temporary fixes to my problem. I was feeling my lowest in winter 2012-2013, and talked to my psychologist and psychiatrist about all of my symptoms in addition to my back pain---- depression, anxiety, restless leg syndrome, fatigue (I could easily sleep for 17 hours in one day!), morning stiffness, sleep deprivation, body aches, etc. It was their initial suspicions about me having fibro that made me consider making an appointment to see a rheumatologist for a diagnosis. I'm glad I did because I was a dead-ringer for having fibro and I was diagnosed immediately at the end of my visit.

At first, I was just happy to have an answer to why I was in my vicious cycle of symptoms. Initially, I was receiving support from family and friends in regards to them understanding that fibro is, indeed, real and for taking the diagnosis seriously. I had a positive outlook of how I was going to "grab fibro by the cojones" and not allow it to affect my well-being even while I was trying to accept the diagnosis. Treatments, meds, etc have helped me quite a bit and all was well.

However, I found myself in a downward spiral about 5 weeks ago. I had to get an MRI, which it was discovered that I have mild osteo-arthritis developing in my lumbar spine (hence, all the back pain), I had to do a sleep study (where it was determined I have mild snoring that disrupts my sleep, while teeter-tottering on having apnea as well), and I began physical therapy (which is actually helping). I can manage to exercise at least 2-3 times a week (but, in my head, I want to do more), and I have been attempting to eat more anti-inflammatory foods. But I hate being on all of these meds..... I hate feeling conflicted about alternative/holistic therapies vs. medical therapy/prescription pills... I'm scared of the long-term effects of my medication (my Rx's doubled since my diagnosis, and now I'm on Nabumetone, Tramadol, and Gabapentin). It was suggested by my rheumatologist to consider taking Cymbalta as a new anti-depressant if I wanted to be less reliant on the other meds, so I'm weening off of Effexor, staying on Wellbutrin while I introduce Cymbalta. The med change has been rougher than expected.

I'm deeply depressed now, I don't want to talk to anyone: friends, family, doctors, etc. But I hate being and feeling lonely SO much. I hate going out to events, gatherings, etc and find ways to ditch going at the last minute. I get sick to my stomach just enjoying only 1 social alcoholic beverage, so I refrain from drinking alcohol as much as I can get away with socially. I'm so foggy and forgetful lately, too, and it makes me feel even more insecure with communication. I'm usually very extroverted, so it's been such a struggle because I can't be myself with added social anxiety. I don't enjoy doing things that I would normally like to do and I get extremely annoyed and angered easier in social situations anymore. I feel insecure and worry about what other people are thinking; yet, I feel as if I don't care about anything anymore and feel like everything I have been trying doesn't work; therefore, why keep trying? I feel like a burden on my friends if I need to talk about my feelings, and I'm pissed that I don't get more encouragement and support from my parents (mostly because of their own selfishness, but that's another thread!)

I think the only thing I'm halfway motivated to do are my physical therapy exercises because I have felt less back pain, I feel stronger, and I receive positive feedback from my PT. Yet, there are days where I can't workout because I'm tired and feel dumpy. I want to SO badly in my head, but my body fights the thought of it. Last, and this is the kicker, I HATE HEARING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH ME, especially in regards to having to go to the doctors. This factor has NOT helped at all. I have gotten to the point, too, where I put off my appts because I am sick of it and all that is going to happen is be constantly reminded of things that "weaken" me.

Sorry for the long post, but I can't handle this! I also wanted to communicate with others who know what I'm going through. Ugh...

 

[Paul]

dear friend,

you have a lot to say about your fibromialgia and I can relate too much of it.I am just another suffer of this and I am having to learn how to deal with it.I try to get by with minimal over the counter drugs rest, and exercise,. I see a chiropractor every other week.I am new to this support group only 2 days old for me. But I consider myself a good listener and will be glad to hear what you have to say.I think it helps to talk things over with someone who understands the problems of pain family issues and other problems.

 

[1sweed]

afa1979,
I understand your feelings and anger concerning your many illnesses. In some respects it is good to know about the other things wrong with us that are treatable and medications that can ease pain and help us function better. Pardon me if I am wrong on this but it seems your depression and mood swings of late came with the change in your medication. It might be that Cymbalta, is not agreeing with your system. Instead of feeling better and upbeat, and enjoying life you are more depressed then before. I think you should tell your doctor and get off the Cymbalta, and see if your mental state improves.

I have mentioned to others here that many times we just take a doctor's advice and take the medication, feel worse but feel that telling the doctor will affend him or her, and we don't want to upset the apple cart, so we do nothing and suffer for it. There are times when you need to step up and speak up for yourself and take charge of your healthcare.

When we get diagnosised we are scared. We need help and often due to this fear and anxiety we follow along like sheep just following orders,
even when the medications make us sicker than we were before. I know first hand about this because in the begining I blindly followed any doctor who might have a glimmer of what was wrong, or then after knowing it was fibro, anyone could make the symptoms go away. I had some bad reactions to medication that could have threated my life.

There are other less troubling anti-depressents available. If this medication was given to you by the rheumatologist, I would as I said before ask to stop it and try something else. You said your afraid to take medication. Do not fear what helps you, only fear that which is not working in a positive manner. I take neurontin, and have taken it for over 15 years. I trust it. It is a medication that works well with other meds and the side affects are not as bad as other types of medication. Other's here may know about your other medications.

I would like to say you might want to get a mental health therapist to help you manage your depression. These medications should be monitored by a professional in that field. That way you would have someone in your corner to help on a moments notice. If you can not afford one go to the local mental health center in your area. Most are very reasonable in prices and work on a sliding scale depending on your income. They are usually very caring and understanding.

And please keep coming here and posting. We do understand the pain and hardships of fibro, and all of us are trying to support each other and try to privide coping skills and hints on ways to make life easier. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Most important do not give up on yourself. It will be okay.