Try to keep the illness in perspective with all of your blessings

I am 56 years old, a father of two and still trying only because of the love and support of an incredible lady. I have lived a life doing all of the things that I have loved. I have hunted, fished, hiked and heard the wind through the pine needles of high country pines. I have lived and loved my two strong sons and now 12 wonderful grandkids. I have truly been blessed. For several years, my dr. Was able to relieve my pain to a tolerable level but no more. I have reached the limit of what my dr. feels comfortable prescribing. He said that he was sorry but so am I. I was raised very poor and learned early how to be tough. My mother always cautioned that life is hard and no place for wusses. To be honest though I am fresh out of tough. My dr. Has me on both Fentanyl pain patches for day to day pain as well as Oxycodone for breakthrough pain. I have always used my pain mess exactly as they have been prescribed but that hasn't helped me to avoid becoming tolerant of their help. They no longer help. I have one good day out of three due to Fentanyl and then two days of terrible. I have found that I often hurt too much to sleep in bed and spend a good bit of my time sleeping on the floor. Sadly more than once my wife had thought that I had died. I promised to die in bed so that she needn't worry. I still say that we should all strive to be cognizant of all of the beauty that has been shared with us. I have spoken with my sweet lady about the future when my pain could no longer be helped. I explained that I would decide when I have had enough. She said that she understood. We are all given such beauty in our every day lives that the pity isn't for the illness but rather for allowing it to steal our lives in the interim. This illness has taught me more about forgiveness, thankfulness, love, and patience. My last lesson will be about forgiving myself and my weakness.