Not a doctor that Gives a ....

diagnosed- fibromyalgia 2017, lupus anticoagulant 2017, MMD & anxiety disorder 1995 Mixed diagnose- in 2012 - 1 nero said I have MS. I have over a dozen brain lesions however the second opinion nero refuses to diagnose without a spinal tap - which I refused. and for good measure 2017 a high ANA, Rummy wants to start me on Lupus Meds but I am to afraid to start them. Meds prescribed -gabapentin, cymbalta, clonazepam, aspirin, Hydroxychloroquine Meds taking - Aspirin and Clonazepam A major fear of taking meds makes all this all the more miserable and depressing. I bought my own urn last month.. who does that? I want to go to therapy because it is getting that bad but I have been before and it just does not do a thing for me. The thing is now its pain on top of the depression and anxiety, I know I need the meds at least the cymbalta. It could help with the mental issues and nerve pain but I also have a blood clotting disorder and so I talk myself out of taking that too, ADD to that I cant afford the outrageous co pay and there is no place close by enough that my 20yr car can get to and so, I just dont go. I drag myself to work and that is the beginning and end of my life. I moved to FL and the heat is unbearable. I used all my savings to get here and am now stuck here. Over the years the doctors push me around like im a piece on a monopoly board. Im in pain every day, I cry every day. I mourn the lost of my life and am consumed with suffering and dying, and when I tell doctors of the physical pain and the mental issues and my fear of meds they throw more meds at me, all that can interfere with my blood disorder, saying the benefits can possibly outweigh the risk ( Ya, if I dont blow a clot.) and expect me to take the meds because I wont take the meds, they wash their hands of me. The only thing that has prevented me from signing into a mental hospital is my pets. I have the scripts for some of my problems I just wish I could find the courage to take them. I am afraid of dying and dying to live but I dont want to live like this anymore.